hmm...

today i met a really nice photo developer...
he was really friendly and we had a nice chat for about 1/2 hour...
he's like a photo enthusiast who used to trade machinery in SEA.
then he quit... took a break for a year, then decided to do something related to his hobby : photos. well.. its such a common hobby today....
well.. i'm sitting at home. today i woke up at 545am.
yes i think i actually have jet lag, though not a very serious case.
but anyway... yeah i saw an IB boy walking down the track and a couple of IB girls walking down the staircase... wonder what they're all doing in school... i really wish someone would come say hi to me sometime.
its schol holidays though.. yeah everyone seems to be having their own stuff on.
well thats okay! i've got errands to run and orientation camps to go for.....
but well... i hate assimiliating into new communities. can't it all stay the same. well at least i've heard that one of my friends know someone that is going to environmental science engineering so... well "yes! my course is actually quite popular" haha. they even have a chemical and environmental engineering society though i wonder why they do have it... like why not just environmental science and engineering society? and be nice and exclusive!
lets see.... whats up with life these days for me
i guess..... nthing much. yup! happy to take a break. Tai Vie has been doing a great job with the cell and will continue to do so. on another note. i have to return to JSS... well miss my kids.. hope they haven't forgotton about me! or about God for that matter. i was always scared that when i went on my trip. they just might stop coming.
okay.. need to pray more. and have all these fears erased...
missing people now.. i always wonder why like people can't just stick around.. u know like be my exclusive friend or something like that. possessive streak in me... totally.
anyway.. yes after an AWESOMEEEE (this is a very american word) time in San Diego (note that is where all my cousins are)... i don't know what to expect.
CSC club, Chemical and Engineering Society, VCF camp. these are e 3 that i wanna go for.
okay.. next question. So who's coming with me! not RUAN PLS! but beggars can't be choosers. so well.. ruan it'll be.(At this pt of time)
apparently i think i'll have a lack of companions in uni. once he finds some fresh open young hot blooded female.. well he's probably gonna leave me somewhere by the roadside.

= they say my path is a lonely path, so join me will ya? =

yay!

yay! i'm back.. back in Singapore... no more flying! its so tiring to fly all over the place..
and well my dad probably did some reflection and he was really nice when we came back...
even played a little game of hide and seek when we walked out and were looking for him!
haha... and well..
my mum's sisters quarreled! and haha oh well. it didn't end very well.. 2 of them not on talking terms at the moment but that'll be okay.. in time to come....
well didn't get a chance to take a photo with the rest of my cousins.. but well...
with all things over.. i guess we can look forward to more....think some of them are coming to Singapore soon....
so yeah i'm really happy to be back in Singapore! haha... and well...
feel so refreshed. so rejuvenated, re-energised......
my dad went off to Vietnam again though, so family all sperated as usual.
miss my brother... i guess... yeah wish he come back to Singapore though...
haha its funny how we both developed into our roles in our family... very very different.. both of us...
Yup with all things said... I drove my dad's car back... ahhh gonna take the mercs for a while to practice for my cuz' wedding. soooo anyone wants to look rich?
haha.. yup nw is the ardous task of un-packing my bags.. so many things okay.
and.. well World Cup is starting.
off to seclusion for me... pretty nice.. its been a brillant getaway.
to end off....

here's a song i learnt in Thailand.

My Dear Friend,
We Meet Again...
Hello, Hello...
How are you, thanks i'm fine
it is nice to meet you too
it is nice to meet you too

its such a simple song,.. yet it really wells up feelings when u sing it.
which reminds me, i was watching "casanova" on the plane and someone reminded me of "Victoria (Natalie Dormas)" Which is really cool... Interesting Show though! more substance than ol' X-men 3. okayy..... anyway i'm back. and in all honest fact.. i already have no idea what to do... school holidays have started for everyone though, except the poly and army people..!

Okay.. bible teaching lesson now.
Simple but well.. hardly preached in Singapore.

"We are chosen, glorious in the fact of who we are as God's creation and as God's Children. Not just by our works alone... Do/Don't Do lists are common in the bible.. but lets not forget who we are"

Divinity and Humanity. In Jesus' Divinity, we learn his humanity, and in his humanity, we learn his divinity.

manchurian princess

talking to my aunties and all who claim my great grandma to be a manchurian princesss
i've been sanctioned to go explore. on a journey to trace my roots.. fully paid for
in a quest to confirm that fact.
various and many different accounts of my great grandma... have all led to one fact:
she's of royal blood. a princess that fled china after its wars.
june/july. perhaps we shall find out...

to china, to malacca, to amoy, to the hometowns and musuems.....
=)

blue blood...
somethings don't change.

sometimes i feel i can't go on remembering everything. i have to forget some.

its 9am

its 9am here. well its 12pm in singapore. look at the time difference!
i feel so far away... so drifted.. and i get homesick... i first realised that in my sec3 camp.
well.. but home is not where my house is, not where i live, not where i study.. its where i feel i have my niche, my circle of friends and family i can rely on, people that love me and that i love.
and well... over here, i don't have that.. i have family.... and we're bonded by that, not by living together, not by staying together.
well, but its fun here and when jabba says "mum! they're not going to be here for very long!" and then refuses to budge to go home, u feel nice, warm, wanted, and happy.
sometimes i wonder why god made me the youngest, why he saved me from miscarriage, why he made me an accident. i can't run away from being the unwanted one...
"stop at 2 the govt says." stop at 2.. my dad says... well.. ya. i guess.....
i really don't know. perhaps its quest of greater being and knowing. but. i just sit here today, wondering why its so hard for me to leave e world i want to leave so much, staying here just based on faith. is faith really that strong in me?
i always say.. if u have perfect faith, u don't need to pray, u don't need to do anything, u just need to feel and think in one word. God. God. God. u'll be perfect in God's eyes if u do have perfect faith. for me, i struggle with 1. why am i here. 2. whats my purpose. 3. what is the greater purpose... i've always dreamt of heaven. and i've always wished to be an angel....
on earth, an engineer, a businessman, a doctor... but that doesn't matter to me.
where i live doesn't matter to me, what people think of how other people think don't matter to me. we are where we are bcos we are meant to be, isn't it!
okay. emotional barrier one. i'm getting a little tiny weeny bit emotional right now.
this wells up every maybe 20 seconds. and if it starts and gain momentum.. it goes on for hours, days.. and i wish i wouldn't have that internal conflict between mind and heart.

i wish i had the power to jump... to jump from one time to another. and live life in the blink of an eye... to see whatever i've gone through, going through and been through in a flash, and know what it all means right now.
its not that life has no meaning right now. there just is that greater meaning somewhere....
that greater plan.

imputation of God's Righteousness.
ur works do not count for anything, until u know Christ. because it is through christ good works were derived, it was through christ that we know sin.

k my bro, me, mum and auntie lee sian in shreveport. 

thats tory! 

tory in torrey pines

today i watched xmen 3... not that great. and well... a lot of things weren't very well done.. like character development.. with e exception of wolverine....
watching a movie with my cousins in a foreign land made me realise how much i really miss Singapore. its like in the USA. u're the odd ones out. and its weird. and its hard to control it.. u can't really get rid of that sense of feeling...
but i guess its better in the USA than in Australia.
haha well but Singapore is fun because everyone is like u, and its easy to fit in... well but it has its cons. Singapore is pretty small.. and well.. u're going to meet people more than once.. everyone is gonna have friends in common... and u're always going to meet people that perhaps know u in some way or another. and well. everyone is always so busy... our favourite past time would probably be meeting up with people that we know...
the qn that popped up more than 20 times on this trip is... "have u ever thought of studying here? (in the USA)"
yup... i have. well i think most of the people i know are act studying in USA/UK/Australia.. hardly know anyone studying in Singapore anymore.
haha well.... Singapore is full of scholars from all over... not very gd reason to stay, isn't it?
oh wellz... anyway movie was fun. yup.. haha it was like jabba day.. liek a day just for my little cuz. haha.. how fun is that. every friday get to do what she wants. she chooses a movie all the time though. yup
anyway today went to torrey pines, and we brought little tory along.. haha he's a handful.. yup went hiking. well it was a long day. i lost quite terribly at scrabble today. not tt i played badly. i played okay but well... just didn't get very lucky with letters... think my luck has deserted me. well its just a game=) more to life than tt..
be back soon. take care everyone.

in my dream world..

its 6am here.. and i'm really still dreaming....

so... in my dream world....
i have a house by the lake, with a small oar boat, a nicely hedged garden filled with roses and tulips. a balcony with wind.... 18 degrees celsius all year round with no rain and nice sun without the humidity.... i wake up at 6am... yawning, stretching, getting out of bed. my white silk bedsheets fall to the ground... my dogs, and my birds greet me with endless chatter... there's magic in the air. and i'm the ruler of it all... with me, my dearest friends and family; all in one house. we meet for breakfast in the courtyard... where children fill the halls with laughter and cheer. sparkling chandeliers light up the ceilings like stars in the sky. like a temple, there's a mystical aura about the place... and the walls are adorned with words of scripture from the bible.. at the front of the house... perhaps a stairway to God's kingdom. i have a river, a stream and a mountain flanking my home, with a waterfall, as majestic as that found in niagara, with the colors of the rainbow.... there's not a tinge of sadness, but only smiles. people don't feel tired, and its a community of love. what more can i ask for now? hmm..

i've got a home in wonderland! (God's kingdom)

well i guess i could ask for something more in this reality i now live in.
like... lemme think... -ponders-. hmm....
WOW! okay there is a lot. nvm.
i guess waking up at 6am.. i'm still half asleep. u dream but u don't think

and i feel kinda odd lately. i realise like i don't fit in with all my old friends.. thus making me drift from them. its not gd, cos i see photos of all of them together now, and i feel a bit left out. well i could join them cos well... they'll let me. but! haha.. i don't know...
they always say things happen for a reason right! ya haha.. likeeee........... hmm maybe cos they're all not christian.... so elitist. haha no my old friends all from my old school, haha smart, good looking (one of them used to be my kinda neighbour and now he's a model), haha etc. etc. etc... things should make more sense sometimes. its too profound. too abstract lately...

adversity... breeds heroes.

wow. just met a whole load of relatives... okay.. i've mentioned my auntie and uncle
but well so much more to say about them.
haha.. okay that auntie.. really healthy. really nice, really sweet. well.. yup.. i think its cos she's a girl... but she feels lonely... i guess, cos she's staying alone most of the time when her hubby goes to work. yeah her hubby is like in this "whatever, i'm gonna retire" kinda attitude. he's much nicer and much more accomodating.. but he gets irritated really easily. not by me though
okay...lets say more about my brother. he's nice. but he likes super wild girls... haha.. he likes those "hiao" (as the older generation would say) girls. or like those that like to throw themselves at guys... also he loves attention.. reminds me a little of mark (from my church) in the sense that he keeps repeating one single thing to almost everyone he meets. must be an AC trait..
anyway yeah... okayy.... anyway i jsut met another auntie... she' kinda old but like those old sweet grandmas u have around.. her hubby rocks too.. like this ol wise granduncle that still reminisces about the olden days. and who wnats to return to signapore after 40 yrs. then they have a son thats gonna get married and he's super nice... super friendly.. super guai! and well!! its amazing....
then i have another auntie who is quite the fashion queen...hhaha.. the young and trendy she's 50 but act looks like she's 30. and she's still majorly attractive.. anyway she has 2 sons. one whos gonna get married to this vietnamese girl. he's 21 and h's kinda eloped away from home already. then there is the 2nd son.. who does accounting in uni. but he loves computer and he's smart and a really gd conversationalist.. haha... i'm impressed by him. hes huge and really strong anyway.. so hes like those huge teddy bears. okay well yeah he's like really big... born and bred and american. anyway he's thinking of coming back to singapore to do his ns. so he can visit singapore more openly=) i'm kinda proud we have people tt is like that. thats 2 people tt wanna return to singapore
then there is little jabba! and well she's like this 14 yr old haha little grunge-look, i like rock kinda small girl. who loves scrabble, haha i love it too! we all sit down and play.. me, her and my 2 aunties.... haha so we're getting alogn really welll... yup i'll post photos of all of them!
and then there is little tory (i think thats how u speell it) the littlelest , my little nephew. haha which i'm visiitng tomorrow
but a whole load has been said about her..
anyway yeah i still miss home, and esp those people yeah that i usually talk to.. well!
and like... wish i could meet up with everyone.. was thinking about things and its like... in singapore where everyone knwos everyone, its tiring to keep meeting new people and trying to build on the old ones as well.. its not like in the US where people u meet are much more fixed... cos its so big, u dun meet that many people u get to interact and stay in touch with.
and like how we all use the net to keep in touch so much,, but well... haha.. its not very gd. cos its just conveinient but not exactly relationship building.. anyway yeah.
i guess.. all these nice people i meet...
i just got offended at one point.. well not offended but i was quite unhappy about it, but.. well no big deal cos i'll get over it.. its like how my uncle and my bro. they just feel like how now that they've come to the US to work/study.. how they're better off than those in Singapore just because they're enjoying life here more.. well... ya.. its kinda an unfiar statement to make.. but i mean well Singapore has its perks as well...
golly i miss home. i wish all my relatives were back home as well.....
and my dad has some sweet points... so forgive me for all my disdain earlier.

=in adversity, we get stronger=

accept him! tts him!

all my blog posts are coming late.. not bcos i didn't write them...
but more because i can't access a stable internet service network...
so like i always have to wait a while till i can access the internet and post it.

yeahh i kinda miss typing... thinking now.. i feel quite brainless now...
just today was listening to my mum, her sis and my bro in the other room talking about relationships
yes thats what people still talk about then they get old...
not sure if they knew if i could hear anything they said.. but i did anyway..
haha.. not because i meant to. just that because they were so loud.
anyway i really miss singapore.. US is great, but the people aren't that great.
they aren't like the continentals. the continentals are nice Americans. here they're a little bit more dao
and u feel a bit out of place, being a Singaporean/ Asian in a place such as this..
but people are very very pretty...
but oh well..
"she should marry an angmoh guy"
yes all my relatives, are mostly overseas. esp on my mum's side
one has a vietnamese gf, 2 have angmoh bfs, 1 has a mexican bf who speaks spanish, chinese and english
1 has an angmoh gf. haha.. and so on...
well anyway following on their with conversation..
yup they believe how boys in Singapore are so fussy...
haha. my brother has so many gfs in America. All kinds.
don't know what he's up to also. the last one he had was really shady.
like.. loose? obviously not serious.
anyway yeah they all were talking.. a lot about all of this...
so anyway yeah i miss talking to people.. i need more people to talk to here.
debs! haha.. hey... can't wait to get back. you can definitely Rant to me.. i think i need it after such a long absence
oh well.. miss army days where there always was people to talk to
well.. anyway my beloved Cleveland are out of the NBa playoffs.
nvm. world cup coming.
anyway its back to feeling old
yes i feel really really old and i don't know why.
well... most of my family still think i'm really young and all that bcos i was always the youngest...
but... i really feel old... and like i'm much more mature than they all think
just that i choose to keep quiet becos its hard to change people's mindsets.
at the end of the day. they will see it... and perhaps understand me a little better
for now.. perhaps i'll always be e small one in e family. it comes bcos i have an older bro
so... yeah they'll tend to look to your older brother bcos they're used to it.. always forgetting
little ol' me. but thats how things work out.. how its meant to be. its hard to change something like that

perhaps on another note...
everyone realises how my parents really dote on my eldest brother so much.
in a way.. i believe that when everyone gets older... me and my sister lose more and more
respect for both of them, yet my brother retains so much of it. i guess favourtism hits everyone hard
perhaps i'm a little bit "can't be bothered" in that aspect. i believe in the.. i live my own life....
perhaps God has made things happen in a certain way, but its my life, as long as i live it according to
the right principles and values, its fine. i don't need to be the richest, the most fAVoured. that doesn't matter does it.?
but my brother lavishes in all of that... and thats a big reason why my sister and I are actually more independent.
we learnt to live more on our own. my sis moved out.. partly cos of that reason. if my dad has any anger issues..
he always takes it out on me and my sis... he doesn't shout at my brother much. even if he does
he cools really quickly.. he just doesn't use him as a punching bag like he does e rest of us... but thats how everything is meant to be
once again.. and well =) sometimes u just live by faith alone and know that..
yes.. its e best for u
SIGH.

to those who are given much, much is expected from them.
i really feel old, alone, neglected.
oh friends oh friends! how i wish u were here.
my sis loves her friends more than her family... i'm starting to understand her a little more
its taken a really long time.. but through differences we grow, and through similarities we stand strong.

=FAMILY=

we live by the moments, aware of what we are in now, and not what is to come.

a quote " thats him... u just have to accept him"

shreveport. day 3

oh well... despite all that goes on in my life...
perhaps there are still many bright moments....
somehow... admist all e darkness there is light...
there always is a balance somehow
i'm really enjoying my stay with my auntie in shreveport now...
she's really nice, and her entire house is low-fat.
like low fat ice cream, low fat peanut butter, low fat sausages, low fat ham, low fat juice, 100 % fruity jam (sweetened with fruit juice and pure fruits only), amazing isn't it..... no fried stuff if their house also. plus they love fruits just like me! its really healthy which i like. plus they go to gym every single day.
its really fun, relaxed. and there is a daily chatting session at about 9pm everyday.. on another note though
i ate some weird prawn called crawfish. its like baby lobster.. and i got my allergy coming back again....we think its some protein found in certain prawns. sigh anyway yeah everything puffed up... so i had a swollen face. took a picture of it as well. okay things are happy for now....
for me at least=)
everyone could be a little nicer, my dad, my mum. yes and things would be perfect..! haha.. thats not gonna happen though. we are all born in our own unique way with our own little imperfections.. well but that makes it interesting doesn't it...
i still miss home though, nothing much to do in Shreveport. my mum keeps shopping. she got like 2 huge bags of shopping that she couldn't even lift yesterday. who knows whats gonna happen today. -shudders-
haha.
yup! =) enjoy ur hols.. see u soon ya!

Without You

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the stars roar the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

The world revives, colors renew, but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.

Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I’m gone.
Cause I die, without you.

Without You
The Ground Thaws
The Rain Falls
The Grass Grows

Without You
The Seeds Root
The Flowers Bloom
The Children Play
The Stars Gleam
The Eagles Fly

Without You
The Earth Turns
The Sun Burns
But I Die

Without You
Without You
The Breeze Warms
The Girls Smile
The Cloud Moves

Without You
The Tides Change
The Oceans Crash
The Crowd Roars
The Days Soar
The Babies Cry

Without You
The Moon Glows
The River Flows
But I Die

Without You
The World Revives
Colors Renew
But I Know Blue
Only Blue
Lonely Blue
Within Me, Blue

Without You
Without You
The Hand Gropes
The Ear Hears
The Pulse Beats

Without You
The Eyes Gaze
The Legs Walk
The Lungs Breathe
The Mind Churns
The Heart Yearns
The Tears Dry

Without You
Life Goes On
But I'm Gone
Cause I Die

seasons of love

oh well.. i'm actually typing in the airplane now... have so much to write about.m. and sometimes i really miss my blog so much...somehow, i think that besides this blog, i don't have any other real place i can throw all my thoughts and frustrations, my feelings into.. some people havetheir mums, but well... mine can't keep secrets.. some people have their brothers and sisters, but well.. we all understandeach other pretty well, we don't really bother to ask. and well i'm kinda away / out of touch with all my friends back home at this moment in time. sometimes i do journal. but.. like its so much faster to type, and well.. u don't like to get interrupted halfway while u're pouring urself out.

so well.. i look out of the airplane.. and i see a streak of cumulonimbus clouds.. and above it a slight bit of cirrus clouds. wow... things look so wonderful from up here, except for the plane shaking, and e engine drowning out almost every other noise...

we've left my dad and sister back in NY... they're going back to Singapore, while we continue on into Texas, and then to San Diego.so well... once again.. yes. everyone's grumbling in some way or the other... i just keep quiet. and still i get scolded.. but today, the point is not about me...its just how perhaps i wish i was away. alone perhaps. but away from my family.. or at least my parents.. and i don't say this very often.sigh. everyone's unreasonable. and like i always get linked into it, even though i really dun add any fuel to the fire...

flashback : my brother got scolded on his graduation day, my sister got scolded for grumbling too much while we were looking for a particular chinese restaurant.today my mum got scolded for like wanting to go another place to eat besides the "food emporium" which sells a huge variety of foods, but foods not exactly palatable.yes well... yup everyone gets scolded.. except my dad. pity. well i dont' really get scolded. the only thing i got on this entire trip was perhaps.. 1. the computer thing which blowed over without getting too big. 2. oh for forgetting to return my room key card to him before he asked for it. besides thatkeeping quiet has really kept me out of all the major "hairdryer treatments, walk-outs, scoldings, etc. etc. etc" my sister and mum seems to invite the most trouble..my brother gets it too.. but oh well....one day... when i leave all this.. perhaps i'll be much happier, like i already am now.and i just sigh.. and sigh... and wish things were different...i guess, sometimes 21 years is enough... yup and i always wished that how things were perfect? me and my sis really believe... that people make wrong choices.. and if u made the wrong choice (if u feel that way)1. its probably not the wrong choice, it was probably meant to be, but even if u feel that way...u should accept the consequences, and live with it.... and make the best out of it.i guess, for us, it wasn't exactly our choice.. but whatever the case.. well.. there's not much we can do. yeah.. unless u move out, i guess u're away from everything.but really.. coming on this trip has been nothing short of terrible...i've hardly had many happy moments out hereand i miss home even more now..

i wish that i didnt' need to be around all this...and i sometimes would like to vow, how i wouldn't ever go on a trip with them again....whats the pt? like... its better back in singapore where everyone is busy and everyone sees everyone less.at least we can all go on with our own lives... and we can take more upon the nice-ties that we all show sometimes but here.. well.. ur lives intertwine so much.. and everything is done together.. and there's no escaping from that.right now i'm happy i'm alone, or at least with my brother .. yup =) we grew up together, cried for each other.protected each other... fought for each other. at least there's more to cherish and to hold on to there.family.... i need a family


=things don't always go your way, because its all part of God's perfect plan. live life with love.. 525600 minutes of the different seasons of weather. its 525600 minutes of the seasons of love as well=


yes, i jsut watched rent at broadway.

here's what happened this morning : well.. my sister went on her own to shop. so my mum, bro and me who were supposed to fly off earlier todayto catch a flight to Shreveport (dun ask me where that is, i don't know), accompanied my dad for a brunch outingat first we were supposed to go this noodle house ( my dad wants to eat chinese food, ya. ) so we went there, this place calledOllie's noodle house and grill. well.. yes so anyway it was closed, opened later at 1130. it was 1030 then. so we were suppoed to leave at 12so anyway, ya.. we had to find another place to eat. so my dad wanted to bring us to "food emporium" (i have no idea why, cos he wanted to see the place i guesS)yeah... but it was like 6 blocks down. so my mum and my brother kept suggesting that we just eat somewhere nearer...he refused and walked off.. yup so we just followed. on reaching food emporium. he wanted us to buy the chicken to eat. my mum didn't want to, neither did my brotherthey wanted to eat pancakes.. i was just looking around. my dad asked me if i wanted sushi so i just grabbed sushi, since i felt like eating either that, a sandwich or fruitsyeah... well.. anyway the food wasn't very nice, a cafe would have been nicer, and probably cheaper. but my dad just wanted us to eat thereso my mum suggested somewhere else. yup my dad scolded her and my brother, and walked off in a huff, saying.. "you all so fussy, just eat what u want, i going back to the hotel first"i think he expected us to go after him. yup. cos he came back looking for us anyway. by then, i was eating my sushi, and my mum and bro were eating pancakes and french toast respectively.yup. so well.. everyone got scolded... except me.. well thats partly cos i din't say a word at all the entire morning to them,..i just walked. thinking about it all...and perhaps looking forward to now... and that has rubbed off on me quite a bit as i grew up... i guess, i wasn't born an introvert, neither was i born so reserved... or quieti guess people do change to how they live their life, or the environment they were brought up in.. though it'll be their own choice ultimately. sigh yeah so anyway there was a whole load of arguments after that (not including me - besides the room key thing) and u know... i guess when i couldn't write, or do things to take my mind off all thisu know what i did? i went walking around, shopping.. haha. ya but well.. i didn't spend a loti got my shopping list though! so all of u, yup i think i got what u wanted. and more.

sometimes i wish i didn't have to write it all down here, but sometimes it just seems i need to.

"New York, Washington, Niagara. whats the point of it all, whats the pt of this whole holiday"

connection problems

well not really connection problems.
people always wonder why i'm so different from my dad... its because i choose to be different. i belive that what he is and what he has achieved has made him into a person i don't wanna be... we all learn from our parents.. in many ways i've learnt not to be what he is... yes. contrary to popular belief.. though probably being more like him would have ensured my future and i would have been much more successful. i'm not going to be a successful man, i'm not going to be a high achiever. whatever i achieve is thanks to God. and has nothing whatsoever to do with me.
well today hasn't been a particularly pleasant day... when my dad doesn't get what he wants... well days are never pleasant... it all began when he wants to use my computer... so i say.. "i brought it, can't i use it first? u can use it afterwards" ... he of course refuses and says "its not your computer, its from me, so i am going to take it back and use it" then i say..." then why didn't u bring it yourself?" then he says.. "we are bringing the computer along so i can do my work" (i know what he's doing. clearing his email... work? SIGH. oh well.) i say.. "but i brought it, i wanted to bring it so i can connect myself and do my own stuff, u just said u wanted to use it here and there" he says.. "i want it for 2 hours." and then the argument repeats itself.. this goes on everytime we look for a food place, everytime i tell him we should just tip a little bit more... anyway, he's probably gonna use it anyway.. cos he wants to take it back if he doesn't get to use it... i guess.. well he even refuses to pay for my bread for tomorrow... so i had to pay for our breakfast tomorrow (my brother and i)... i really sigh at this. call me disrespectful, call me biased, or even childish... but i belive i'm old enough to follow my own principles and values....
no one ever wants to wash dirty linen in public... but. we are already transparent enough to God. what does it differ making ourselves transparent to the people we love so much. love thy neighbour.. love ur enemies... love your brother and sister. so anyway... well... i don;t know what the future holds..?
sometimes... can u owe someone so much.... that u have to submit and succumb to his every wish and fancy? perhaps as parents we owe them that much.. but as people... we just choose whether to give our respect...

- when do u know u are right.... when right or wrong is not determined by us, but by God's moral law... -

we never do... we just pray and hope that God tells us.

in his name, god bless...

photos!

there there... the wonderfully, magnificent and mystical horseshoe falls! 175 feet of plunging water
lala, me and my sis at niagara... its really magnifique. there's the american falls, the horseshoe falls even more splendid.
graduation.... w/ e whole famiy, as usual.
there is my brother... its raining cos someone in wisconsin prayed for rain... God answering all prayers, even if the rest of the graduates have to suffer.

be more assertive

be more assertive, he says....
well.... okay i am being more assertive now, but just in the USA.
yeah... God showed me a little bit of reaping what u sow in the casino yesterday...
as my brother/sister/dad/mum went in to gamble.. i went in too.... yup i'm finally 21.
so they all gambled and they all lost...
-flashback-
earlier in the day... no one wanted to pay the poor waitress' tip, so i took out $10 to give to her.
okay back to the present. yeah i actually got back $20 in the end....
and my mum is a compulsive gambler. she actually sits in her chair, looking possessed, rotating the seat... slowly rocking it from left to right. the way she presses the buttons is mysteriously patterned.... while my sister goes on about how she didn't lose.... what a day. when money comes into play.. thats what happens. yes i'm never going to be a gd businessman, i shun it, i don't like it very much... whats the whole fuss about money anyway...
so anyway, we're really rushing about a whole lot... really really rushing. its kinda because my dad was the top rated officer of his days,... and their rush to wait and wait to rush motto is really personified by him, in the most frustrating manner. imagine flying from state to state.. every 2 days.. its really taxing. plus since he always wants to be early. imagine going to the airport 2 hours earlier just to wait for a hour and a half flight... then taking another taxi for about 45 minutes to the next destination. yeahh =) i do that every 2 days...
sigh anyway i was really thinking how quiet i've become.. i sit in the metro train... listening to my entire family. most of the time i'm silent... in all honest opinion. i have not been more assertive at all.. i kinda feel that perhaps everyone should just give a little bit, and everyone ends up happier.. all for the good of everyone =) ... well and my dad didn't give the driver a tip.. was quite disappointed and felt quite sad for the driver, cos thats his bread and butter, and he really took a lot of trouble to open the doors, give us a little commentary and tour... and help us out of the van....
different principles, different values...
does that make us different as children of god?
when we all follow the same word of God...
i can only sigh... but i look at myself and at all my flaws as well and know that i'mnot perfect. and i cannot judge others bcos i know not what they're thinking.. and we all continue to struggle with our own imperfections as well as their imperfections.. and in the end. we all have to look at the good in people....
and well stepping onto that plane... gives u a huge lift... like stepping onto a cloud and flying off into the heavens.... bcos u're leaving behind all ur cares, and u seem to be starting afresh. and sometimes u wish u never had to come back. yet u miss home a little too much. u miss the pleasant memories and the lovely friends =)

its e 5ht day or so?

its about the 5th day or so in my US trip.... i'm not really counting
yet there's been so much to think about...
how people in the US are so much happier because to them, family counts for a lot... (esp in Wisconsin).....
and like how my brother has met such a great/nice group of people to form his cell group.. really..i'm pretty impressed. people that have sacrificed much of their lives to serve God.. something thats so rare in Singapore these days....
its by no coincidence too, that while talking to my Godbrother, they manage to speak and move him into thinking so much about the faith, about how they're such nice people and how they're so God orientated, people orientated, and all the good works they have done....
and i have to ask... BFEC. why can't u be like that??
well... my brother turned away from bfec quite a few years back, and i don't blame him... he never really wants to come back for his own reasons....
and why! and now i'm really grateful that this group of christians have actually managed to rekindle that faith in him... thank God
kinda in a jumble, not sure how i'm feeling right now... the West seems such a viable place to stay in... but i just wish that u all were with me too !
but i had a lot of fun at niagara falls today...

14th May

soo its 14th may right now. thanks for all those people who tag my board. its nice to see people that remember me even though i'm away....
well... pointer no.1 in life, always pray before u do anything.
yes pray tonnes.... well and of course u must definitely mean it...
well today was my brother's graduation.. and well it was almost spoilt. well not spoilt but ruined... i guess... yeahh... sometimes i really wonder why my dad has to do that.... ruining the mood of happiness.... well but it ended up okay.. cos God is watching over all of us. yeah... sigh. its quite sad to get scolded on ur graduation day. luckily my brother is quite a matured individual and he really handled it well... my dad always does things like this. =)
yes and i realised how optimistic i am in my family. w/ e exception of my dad (compared to my bro, sis and mum).. yet compared to everyone i know. they would probably label me as a pessimist... but i'm really quite happy actually... i guess, i just think that i should share e sorrows of the world...and the people around me.
anyway....
yes.. my brother... the only guy i really know that is really nice... well yeah way nicer than myself okay. i know i'm not that nice but yup. if there is anyone nicer than me, it'd be him. kudos to my big bro.... i guess.. he's set the standard for all my guy friends, and really... i havfen't really met anyone truly as nice. (perhaps u zong. i'm pretty impressed by u, cheers to vickie!) anyway.. yeah today was his graduation, n i'm writing a little bit more with the american slang now.
yup so watching the tonnes and tonnes of people that graduate and collect their certs. it really got me thinking... how everyone is so similar.. that there are so many people. and to me, they all had something in common with one another ( i don't really know what it is, but something just strikes me about them) ..... what was even more surprising to me, was that in all the Americans, i saw a nice smile. and compared to Singaporeans.... i realised perhaps how much happier/or just how much smilier they are.... haha.. really American rock. whats more. 90% of the girls actually look quite gd (they have one pretty feature at least), while about 30% of these 90% actually are pretty (have more than one pretty feature).... oh and yes.... Singapore is so competitive... and i really feel that, why do we need to be successful? why do we need to go to the best universities, and have the best honours... We are so success orientated..
anyway yeah i really miss home.. i really wish i could talk to u all back home... yeah =) i met my God brother here in the US though... that was great. going for a cookout soon!
yeah =)...
going to Buffalo/Niagara Falls next. then off to NYC. Wisconsin was great. i haven't bought any souvenirs because i believe most of u would like more well known cities' souvenirs like NYC and Washington.
i really really miss some of u..
haha but well... if i'm missing u now, it means u'll get something! cos i'll definitely buy something for ya! like.. earrings, lip gloss, etc. etc. etc.
sometimes i really wonder why i bother about somethings though... i wonder why... i decided to say a yes when i believed in a no.. and yet caring and hoping too much. but living without regrets.

=u don't hav be to be special to everyone, u just have to be special to me, and me to you, and that will bring some magic between the 2 of us=

from e usa

well i never really blogged from the USA before.
but i'm here with my laptop and in someone's house with a gd internet connection
its like 338am here... so its pretty interesting. things are really cold here... yeah but i'm already enjoying my time here.
yup... had a nice long flight here.. lots of time to think. it took me like one day just to travel here but it was really worth it.
yeah... i watched a couple of movies, wrote a little.... slept a little, ate a little, and wished i was still back home a little...
i guess USA is really different but it does have tonnes of charm. drove my brother's audi too !haha audi A4, 2.8 litres... on the right side of the road! in e middle of the night at 2am. but i think everyone except me is sleeping now except those partying out on the streets.
this girl wanted to hitch a ride for 30 USD. haha.....
and amazing thing is i think i found a long lost friend i once knew; studying in my bro's uni.... i'm quite surprised. yeah... well kinda wonder how things are back home... but also wondering what if i really just stayed on here in the US and made a whole new life for my myself...
*thinks*
the US has tonnes of charm.. really. just so much of it. not just with all the really pretty girls. i saw 3 on the plane. but with the way of life, the friendliness and openness... w/ all the neighbourhood appeal. wisconsin is definitely my kinda town.
yet.. i wish my bro would return with us back to Singapore rather than stay on. its really true that i miss him so much... and when i went into his room and saw a picture of him, my dad and i together.. it really means a lot. like that was e only real photo he had up of him with other people... i know how everyone misses their brothers and sisters when they go overseas, and i'm no different. its been 4 long years. and if he stays on here.. i really wish i could come here and study too... perhaps its not the appeal of the USA anymore.. but just the wish of seeing my brother a little more often. we weren't be able to watch the world cup together this year.....

beybye

hi everyone.
just wanted to say byebye.. won't be seeing many of you for e next 3 weeks or even longer perhaps. guess i just wanted to tell u all that i'll really miss you all. yup.
life's been really up and down i think... just like a roller coaster in disneyland.
well i'm going to US now. if u don't know yet. i'll be back on 31st. 31st may.
well... just keep enjoying yourself!! and yes take good care of yourselves.
once again, i'll really miss everything back here.

"if i could fly a thousand miles to a place where no one knows me, i'll bring everyone with me"

bye! take care!

=my latest birthday present - a gun that shoots little cupids=

snail mail galore!

wow i received snail mail today!!! i'm pretty touched! esp since i'm so much more free.
there's a poem on it.. and here it goes...

Flight of Fancy

They lie in your hands,
in the shape of wings
a free spirit
you put them on
and gently dust your feet

off you go,
to a faraway land
under starlit skies,
where they dream
of fireflies
as the restless weep.

hasten not your return,
tarry a while and sing.
for the sweetest songs are
of the saddest thoughts.
then, peel away
the feathered layers,
where memories alone keep.

i always think in my sleep...
and what thought came to me last night...?
that no matter how envious i am of you.. cos i am.
i shall be happy with my life.
and i hafta say a sorry to someone out there..
bcos i could be a better friend.

19 days

19 days of being in the USA.
with approximately 40 hours spent in the air... wonder why i do it.
this trip doesn't have much significance for me, besides my brother's graduation.
just like the upcoming camp doesn't seem to have much significance for me.
i guess "whats the pt" really strikes it where its hot.
whats e point of going on a trip??
whats e point of going to camp??
whats e point of.. so many other things.
i shall not venture into philophical statements right now... they just end up in circles.
and we just marvel at our lack of understanding for our own understanding.

as my friend goes about accounting the years, reliving the experiences of his life.. i begin to think about mine as well .
but i can't...
because its just so long, so many memories, so much hurt, and joy. so many people, so many things...
and i gave up, because they have all passed. and we live a life born anew.
For i am a child of God. And someone whom through he works.
If God makes u a blessing, u'd be a blessing....
and sometimes u might feel he's asking you to give yourself up to others.
and u do, because he is God. and there is no better explanation than that.
and everything just ends up there... up there.
for the 100 years of your life - if you ever reach there-
and u ask.. what is the point of it all? and only you would know. thats faith right.

the gauntlet is there right in front of us.........
the rewards are right there above us.....
look past your life. look within yourself.

and these are the idealistic truths that i cloak my life with.
and i ask what's the point... whats the point of being idealistic?
and i just keep quiet. silent. because u have to find it yourself....

these are memoirs of another kind.

"i would just move on with my life and go where God leads me. How much can i resist his plan for me, if i so much believe in it. I shall make decisions without any fear, and live my life without any regrets. because if i don't, what faith do i have?" -Me

and i stare into space and wonder.

rain, rain go away!

it just rained....
i'm kinda intrigued by the rain.
how it changes my mind in an instance

its another day in paradise.

well... moving on with life =)
yup.. hey i'm really moving on. i'm slowly moving e pieces of the puzzle to form another picture.
so things will definitely change, not just for me, but perhaps for everyone that i know...
i don't like change, i definitely don't. well but anyway...
all of u that mean something to me, that won't change.
God has put u all as significant people in my life... and u all each have ur own special meaning to me... i'm seriously beginning to doubt my philosophies in life with regards to that.
somehow i believe that i'm probably much better off just moving on all the time.
but there's something within me that tells me to cling on to all that i have and treasure it till the very last days. its just like faith. just like religion.
i don't get much more honest with what i feel or think.... what u see here is really what i am.
i think it opens that little bit of vunerability in me to the world. not a very gd thing to do. but well its the way i live my life. i really don't know but.. i just hope i'm doing it right.
i hope every choice i make in my life is the right one, whether things turn out right or wrong. as long as it is right in God's eyes, or something really essential to the plan he has for me.
i wonder though, what character each and every single person i know plays in my life...
like in e movies, e person that sacrifices himself for me, the person that betrays me, the person pulls me to safety, or.... well yeah. i really wonder about that. and when it all has passed, one day i'll look back and all of it and tell myself.. "God, you had me there!". nah just kidding it'll prob be... "i realise now how it was all meant to be"

and wow. shopping list. someone act gave me so many details just for one small lip gloss thing.
C.O. Bigelow Apothecary @ Jeffrey New York
449 W. 14th St.
New York NY 10014( near 10th ave)

@ 414 Avenue of the Americas, NYC

Item : Mentha Lip Shine /
Breath Freshener no. 502 (product code BMEN)

Px : USD 7.50
i already feel like an online ebay store.

sentimentality

sentimentality... its like how much u miss a person after they're gone... (an emotional response)

TODAY.
its 4 days away from the day i leave for the USA.
mixed feelings.
leaving has never been easy. especially when u always look forward to coming back.
i watched lord of war today....
they detained him for 24hours, not because they felt like doing it, not because they wanted to deprive him of a day, but because they wanted to give everyone of those children a day a free day, a free day to live...
things are so muddled these days.
i'm being terribly honest with myself.
i told someone the other day. "its not what i want..."
the days ahead look dry?
and this paragraph has been totally random.

so....
shopping list so far.

for other people.

star earrings... (how many? as many as i can get)
lipsmackers lip gloss - i forgot to ask what flavour
C.O Bigelow peppermint lip balm
some dorothy perkins thing. haha. i forgot. is it a top?

my pleasure. yeah esp the star earrings. =) cos i get to choose them.

for myself.

i need a belt.
i said doughnuts just like in chiangmai and i will TRY hard to get them.

every single day, its getting harder to keep in touch with the chiangmai people... but well =)
one day goes, and one day comes, and one day we'll meet again.
its all in God's hands.

=time to email the continentals... yes maybe i might be able to meet them=

not much pt?

today was AGM in my church.. yup AGM, where every member should turn up in my opinion..
well think half the people turned up late. cos i don't think i saw them coming in.
2ndly... i got a feeling, 1/3 of them didn't turn up anyway.
messaged a very gd friend of mine to ask if she was coming... apparently not. not much pt? well...
so now coming to church has not much pt.
so when does it have meaning then? when all your friends come?
i really don't know what people think these days.
i'm probably nitpicking again...

many other positives to look at though...
i had a really good chat with cheri. just sat there...like yeah.. discussing our lives, talking about the future, our dreams... how we wished life would be, and how life was.. getting advice from one another on how we should do things as we grow up... well...yeah...
u'll wonder if talking about these kinda things really build u up as a person... and i guess the godly views that we both share really warm up each other...
she really encouraged me today.. =) she wished me all e best... and she hoped that i'd receive the best too. that means a lot to me.... affirmation of my life....

on another note. i find myself increasingly cold..

and on another... i was wondering why i seem to view a person that almost every other person thinks as like one of the best girls (in terms of what they would wanna be like / the girl that guys notice first) with quite an amount of disdain. i'm weird? probably. just different in the way i look at people i guess.. u share that same view?? not that i'm judging! cos the bible says we shouldn't judge. i just wondering why i don't feel that same way. it really is my problem.
can i shut my eyes? and switch off my mind?

oh anyway Tim said he really liked the present i gave him =) so happy i chose the right thing.

on a last note... i look at myself in the mirror... and i feel so flawed... as a creation of God.
but yet. at least i'm still living in the days where i can look at myself in the mirror... and really...
still see myself without too much disgust. on to better things? being a better person? we all strive for that. and pray hard for forgiveness.

and from a very famous song so close to my heart...
Whatever will be, will be... =)

tim's birthday!

its not tim's birthday yet! but happy birthday tim...
well cheers and thanks for the best dinner i've had in years.
first.... came this entire plate of salmon sashimi! and i don't even really like sashimi.
thennnnn....... camee an entire plate of chicken with ham.
then! it was an ENITRE PLATE JUST FULL OF BEEF!
then prawns! then SCallop Omelette!
then! egg tofu with all kinda seafood. like prawns, crabs, WOWWWW....
then Asparagas!
then Noodles with all kinda seafood!!! =)
SIGH thanks tim, i know it must have cost a bomb......
like someone said..to him "you have great friends"
i haven't thanked him tt much, not just for being such a great friend, but also for sharing his great friends with me.. like nat, dan, and now we both know denise, laura, jiming! thanks yeah. =)

many more years... its jap food at 50% off next on the menu ya!

somethings feel a little...

somethings feel a little too near, yet too far.

oops

i realised something just sitting there thinking...
its like a little bit of me thats kinda screwed up....
yet its good to have... depends on what perspective u have.
well...its a very idealistic nature though, where u believe that everything will be according to plan... and everyone will fit in, somehow.
however... because it is idealistic in nature, it does not really happen here in this practical society of ours.
it kinda goes like this....
expecting people to the best they can be.... giving them such high expectations and hopes,
that perhaps they might never be able to live up to. and its not because they're not able.
rather, u have smudged the lines, so that it cannot be seen anymore. and everything lies in the grey area. u want something that lies in the black portion, yet is defined by the white portion, because u call it "the grey area" But everything is grey! so without drawing the line, how do u get either one? because what u really want is something that is grey. that is black and white in nature and lies and is defined by both sides of the line.
now does this mean i need to refine and rethink the principles and philosophies i run my life by?
or can i be just idealistic in the way i lead life....

and is growing up all about being less idealistic and more practical? or can we live with the childlike innocence that we so proclaim.

obviously!

obviously i'm thinking too much.. my mind is in a whirl.. certain thoughts keep popping up and never seem to leave... it tires me out so much that i just want to sleep so i could stop! but obviously i can't! its like a neurological problem... but it probably makes me unreasonably smart as well, as i keep building on the endless amounts of neurones i already have... i feel the synapses close in on each other every time these thinking spells occur. i guess, writing my journal, writing this blog really helps to ease to pain and the stress its causing on my brain. already i feel it hurting...and i pray and pray that it would stop! but will it ever?

hours later...
it can't! it just won't stop!!! sigh...

i realise.. i keep too many things within me.. 0% output does take its toll... no wonder i always think i'm putting on weight. where is my SINK! i need a brain drain.

-back to normal-
yet i love the enjoyment of being introverted... it really gives me something more, an inner peace that i'll always have... something that keeps me calm and stable always. that makes me deeper than i actually am, that gives me refuge... even though it comes with hurt/pain, struggles, ups and downs, and a lone ranger's battle with all his inner demons... but i still thank God i am one. =) i so very believe true love.

heyyy mr chan's son

i just watch from my window..
as the touch rug girls play their rugby... haha i don't think they notice me.
should i say hi? or should i not. when they come nearer my window i suppose.
yes, shall just leave it to that.
just looking right a little, i see mr chan's son joking... laughing, spinning has hp...
seems like he's having fun with 2 other guy friends with him... he's so much unlike mr chan, he seems the confident, can't care less, bo chup attitude kinda guy... his dark shaded eyebrows really accentuate that smirk he has on his face.
so i just sit here and wonder what i'm doing, sitting in my room, one moment watching the tele, one moment thinking and dreaming of what life would become for me, or typing this, or observing the world around me.
its not that life is meaningless, its just that i haven't fulfilled the one thing i want to fulfill in my life. or well.. there are certain things that i want that i have not gotton, things that money can't buy. as everyday goes by though, i feel that i might be edging closer.
things feel a little bit confusing, as i can't see the plan God has ahead for me. not in all aspects. he has carefully shaded parts of my life... hiding away from my keen senses... i do have the feeling of his guidance all the time, once in a while, i even get a glimpse into what i'm mean to do and become. but... somethings i want to see... and when will he let me ever discover it?

sometimes... i really hope that the time has come.

softball/soccer

today ACS (I) won their B div Softball Championship.
it was a good win. they played well, though in all honesty Pei Chai was their match in all aspects.
today i went to play soccer with Melvin, Jon Lew, etc. that was fun too
i also met shawna, vicky, zong jie and chee mun in their class!
guess the low-down of all of that was when mrs pat tong came and told me to shoo... wasn't very nice or respectful of her.
on another note. hey hope ur ankle recovers soon.. not really nice to see your ankle in such a state. hope it doesn't hurt. get well soon!

on another note. yes on a very much lighter note.

how to replace Rooney for the World Cup. in my opinion. They should switch to a 4-3-3 formation. Owen, Gerrard and Joe Cole up front.
Lampard, Carrick, Beckham in midfield. so while defending, they essentially become a 4-5-1 formation, but in attack, a 4-3-3 formation. well... i'm not a really big fan of watching soccer matches but.. yup thats my 2 cents worth.

and last pt to add for today.
i think i find myself fading into the background.
which is good, just not in all aspects.
just wondering if things would be the same as before, if it didn't stay the same way it was.
just wondering though, just a thought.

life is so long... not physical life, but spiritual life.

i miss people.

i really miss the company i had during the chiangmai trip.
now everyone is back in school. well while i'm out of it.
its just how i find myself coping hard with change once again.
its just like how those thai ladyboys change....
they go through so much just to turn them into a girl.....
would they wanna change back into a guy?
i went to chiangmai. while we miss home. and are glad to finally be home,
things are just not the same here, in this bustling city we call Singapore
sentimental me....
i really don't know why... i really don't know why.

i just went back to camp to collect my IC and my Certification of Service..
for me... i found myself so attached to them whilst in the process of leaving.
but when i went back, everyone seemed to forget me for who i am.
except for Jerome perhaps.... another sentimental guy like me.
its a shame.... in the lack of sentimentality in Singapore today.
is there any hope of me getting something i'll never have to let go?
i need that now.

go...

I have often dreamed, of a far off place
Where a hero’s welcome, would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face
And a voice keeps saying, this is where I’m meant to be
I’ll be there someday, I can go the distance
I will find my way, if I can be strong
I know ev’ry mile, will be worth my while
When I go the distance, I’ll be right where I belong
Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you
And a thousand years, would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime, but somehow I’ll see it through
And I won’t look back, I can go the distance
And I’ll stay on track, no, I won’t accept defeat
It’s an uphill slope, but I won’t lose hope
Till I go the distance, and my journey is complete
But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero’s strength is measured by his heart
Like a shooting star, I will go the distance
I will search the world, I will face its’ harms
I don’t care how far, I can go the distance
Till I find my hero’s welcome, waiting in your arms
I will search the world, I will face it’s harms
Till I find my hero’s welcome, waiting in your arms

small ben, lee mey, shawna and me... how much i miss chiangmai..how wonderful u guys are.... don't forget me k...  

i really feel

well ...
now i don't really know what to say....
i've been thinking and worrying tonnes...
at the end of the day.
i really don't know what to do....

=signing off, all in God's hands=

whatever will be, will be...
*prays hard*

gosh.

wow.. sorry
really sorry. i think people talk too much, whether things or right, or wrong, or a little right
Ya. hmm... makes things all go wrong...
kinda not sure what to do now.
they just talk and talk and talk.
i think i've accidentally, unknowingly created a lot of nonsense for other people.
such small talk....
i think liking a person too much for who that person is might be a problem.
but then i really like my friends much more than anything, and people might misinterpret that cos it always happens.
just tt its a matter of perspective.
when u see all e gd in a person, you're bound to like tt person, but what goes on after that takes much more than liking that person for who that person is. it like takes that little touch of destiny.
yup. like if ur destiny is bound towards friendship it will end up there nonetheless. same if desinty is bound anywhere else. i guess, whats important is that u identify destiny before anything. okay in christian terms, God's ultimate plan for me. others won't understand what this destiny is because its hard to see. process counts, but so does destiny.
in retrospect. yup. this is the story everyone misinterprets.

perhaps i really don't enjoy it when destiny seems to present itself so clearly to me... only to see little specks in it and realise its not exactly what i want it to be. yup but that happens most of the time, and like u just wish there was one time where that destiny will be perfect. like... with everything/anything u indulge in. i really don't cope with tt really well. i don't like the little specks. i get really hurt by little specks. or even worse, big specks.

anyway overcome these little specks and continue following ur destiny =). don't let anything come in e way.

people alway say...

people always say.. "friends come and friends go"
i really don't believe in that... to me... i don't know. friends stick with you through all times, share your joy, your laughter and your tears.. thats what i learnt.
only as we get older does this idea of friends seem to change so much, shaped by the world.
well...
for me, "letting go has been the hardest thing to do"
and its always a wonder.. whether i should, or whether i shouldn't.
take today for example. i went to the library yet....
yeah it just felt so awkward. but i say sorry on my part.
i didnt' really manage to talk to anyone else rather than small ben.
i guess perhaps the time was too short, and its just not the right environment or place or time for it.
and then i'll say....
"perhaps one day, our paths might cross each other's path again...."
then perhaps our paths might walk along similar lines.
and then perhaps it might all work out.
i really dunch know..
cos i don't know many things.
what i do know is hope, and me, and you.

as the song goes...
as we go on, we remember, all the times we, had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be, friends forever......
our paths might lead elsewhere, yet things don't have to change much
maybe 8 days is to short, and everything is based on circumstance....
i really would just like to wish and hope. but its not always about my own little wants.
i'll play my part as much as i can in everything i commit myself to.. but thats as much as i can give.

signing off...
with randomness within me.
i don't really feel up to par now.
i'm 21. maybe i should grow up a little more.
for those who saw my photos, yeah hoped u liked it.

i can't wait for sch

i really can't wait for school anymore
i think ACS (i) is doing a great job with their programme.
i realise the culture in the school is such a close knit one.. probably because of the small cohort.. really envy it... and really wonder why....
why things can't be different for me. perhaps i'd be born 2 years later and i could hang around with deb and cho and all so much easier....
or like 4 yrs later and i'd might be with all these chiangmai people as a classmate and not as drong's son.
or perhaps even born a yr later, and do 4 months less of army.
or maybe even born 5 later and perhaps join e dingbats.
grass is always greener on e other side.
i shall make the most of my uni stint.
thats school for me. i shall make tonnes of friends and really rejuvenate things in my life that lay dormant, and unhappy for so long.
*yawn*

i stay happy for this long at a time... holds out fingers 1cm apart.
i wanna be happy for this long.... holds out hands 1.5m apart...
and i want my life to be this long. gap measures 1m apart.
right now i'm here in my life. uses tongue to point to 21cm from my left hand
i just want things to work out now.... 79cm from the other hand.
but then God holds up my hands in whatever way he wants it to.
be it 1.6m or 23cm. its something i cannot control
i just wish it were me holding up my own hands.
or God holding up my hands to how i exactly want it to be held up.

i'm too jealous and envious of everyone around me...
for being able to achieve the things they really wanna get.
while i struggle..... =) but its all in his plan
through every struggle, we grow stronger. through every experience, comes something wonderful.
pls god! don't let me down!