Dear God,
Thank you.
Perhaps i have many prayers today, many thanksgivings, many things to share.
But in a way you have answered them all, listened to them all, even before i've clasped my hands.
so what more can i ask for?
Amen

a cow sits in my car,
a duck quacks,
the dog and the lion bask in the sun,
the monkey hangs from above,
the elephant and the chef stays in darkness,
the snake wrapped up in cloth,
and i..... just dreaming of noah's ark.
hope starts here.

if you ever wonder, you must ask.

congrats to tim.... hope u're happy now =)
God play a part?

Give Thanks to The God our Lord and King...
Forever God is faithful
Forever God is strong
Forever God is with us

Remember this, everyone.

No-words.

a jukebox of quiet words, and silent tunes.
can't express itself,
but retain the vintage charm it has,
till its used again.

the simple life =)

the simple life...
is really not Singapore.
perhaps it was Singapore years ago.. many years ago...

Somehow i really see how much happiness i would have had... if i were living in the past
when i went to Ubin, which was a great trip.. really, picking wild cherries and eating wild berries were such a thrill...
it was really fun being away from civilization
somehow i just wish i could go to the beach everyday, that u could accompany me there. and things could be so wonderful...
i look at my parents' photos and what they had then....
and i look what i had now... and i don't really enjoy it
msn.... i could talk to everyone and anyone.. but yet.. i don't even feel like i'm getting to know someone that well... that even just spending a night on a lonely swing brings the relationship forward in many leaps and bounds.... seems so much more fulfilling, more meaningful, more heartfelt.
that people i know well are people that i never talk to online.. and those that i do just tend to drift in and out of my life like the wind. people are just different online... somehow!
i know i have more than that.. that by losing the net i'm not losing anything....
i still have God. God doesn't need the net to speak to me and i too, speak to him without the use of any electronics. and i just wish everyone i really loved so much could be like that. and not let technology come in between, not let our busy schedules and work come in between... its inevitable i know, it happens. yet i wish it were not so.
we too always let things in our life come in between us and God... things of little importance.. money, fame.. etc.

i just wish i could go to the beach every single day...
yet i sigh, because i don't wanna go alone.
dreams do not always seem to happen in our practical world. but yet they still do....

-planetary magic- the beauty of it all.

i guess i'm just feeling lonely now.

there's a bridge to cross the great divide
a way was made to reach the other side
the mercy of a father
cost his son his life...

his love is deep
his love is wide
there's a cross to bridge the great divide...

=) a Song that sings a tune the entire morning.

Answer to Question
Is it possible to be at peace with God, yet continue to struggle hard and be affected by the world

Yes, but depends on what you mean to be at peace with God... That is down to an individual. Here it means.. "to continue to hold strong to the faith, and recognise and live in that relationship with Him." So... Well the world is full of challenges for a christian, and many christians will tell you how they continue to strive hard and struggle against "the carnality of things". Especially after they become christians, because they see the limitless sky of goodness that they can achieve. or should strive to achieve. "We are from this world, not of this world" Yes. thus we're still affected by the world, by satan, yet we should never become of this world. The carnal christian is a huge term that comes to mind at this point. The carnal christian places himself and the world on the throne, and God beneath the throne. The true believer places God on the throne, and himself, kneeling beneath his feet. We must be at peace with God and we will be. Because God allows us to be. And we choose to be. Yet Satan will always strive hard to destabilise us, bring down our faith, destroy that peace we have. And the stronger we are, the harder he'll try. We'll always struggle with him.. due to our limitations as man. And only with God can we overcome Him. We must always remember that God will never let us fall, and he'll never let us endure more than we can suffer. Thus in remembrance of all this and knowing God is with us, we'll be at peace with God even as we go through the sufferings, and the struggles. Yet the stronger we are... the more Satan will try ... and the more we'll struggle... Because every mountain is higher than the one we've just overcome. The important thing is to know that we'll never lose the battle, we should never give up the struggle, and give in to Satan. rather that through each struggle, the more we struggle, the stronger we'll become with God, and our relationship will be more peaceful. =)
The pure in heart will truly see God.

"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom in heaven."
Matthew 3:11

=) how we long for heaven =)

If i could say a thousand things it'll all be about you.

Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
And oh God let us be
A generation that seeks
Seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob...

Seems like i haven't been writing for a while
today i officially took over the CSL Treasury job.
i got a new duck in my car that quacks! =) i'm really blessed to get gifts like that....
really i so didn't expect it.

things have been going well at the moment...
i'm slowly pushing myself on to do more things at this point in time...
feels like i have the avenues to do it. the most important of which is time.

November is reaching.
November used to be a really important for me, Sylvia's birthday... if there's one person i like buying a present for, its her.
but she's overseas.. oh well.. =)
no present this year.

tagboard is down.. i'm gonna miss some of those messages.
Well i'm much free-er now, but in a way i don't really know where to start...
studying inertia, u could say that i've built up too much inertia lately..

Nothing is really bugging me at the moment and i guess you could say i'm not thinking much now... well i do always think of God from time to time...
I just wish i had time to just keep praying and focus on Him more. It seems that studies and all distract me so much... it bugs me...
that really... its nice when i have alone time and i can sing a song of praise out loud... sing a song for Him while walking... that i don't have to be shy or anything, but yet sing a song to Him...
My faith burns ever so brightly.

I have one very very very big wish right now.....
i hope it gets fulfilled =) it'll make me so very happy.
-a wish thats spoken never comes true-

U know its been a while since i lived in the East.. yet so many of my friends live there
I grew up there...
i realise there's not many places to go to in the West actually...
i really wish i have my own home, my own house....
it still feels funny living in a school.

Things are getting done, slowly but surely, and i thank God for that =)
there's been many blessings in my life...
but the best blessing has been that of happiness
not of success ..

And this post has been absolutely Random.
I'm praying about my results, i know it doesn't matter....
i give it all to God anyway.. i know its hard to say this and mean it, many don;t
but i'll keep telling myself till i do.
Thank God for all my results, really...
Its about happiness, its about fulfillment, its about meaing, not about results.

Jurong Pt just called, this nice woman called Susan is really sweet about helping GAW out =)
Another thanksgiving.

CSL has been great so far! what more can i give thanks for!

Food, Bed, Shelter, Water, Light, Opportunities, My Childhood, Family, Friends, Neverending list... hmm....
Its really amazing how i can grow up clinging on to all my dreams and my hopes.
That like many others, i don't have the burden of monetary issues, of an unbelieving family, bad influences... I'm honestly pretty sheltered.
It makes a difference you know. Perhaps in adversity i might have come out a much weaker person. Sometimes, I don't even know how i landed here....
But every step of the way, i can say that God has led me through it.

The focus is not on me, neither is it on anyone else.
How good each of us are is not important. Because it is all from God.
From much that is given to us, much is expected of us...

Really, use it wisely...
and that doesn't just apply to water.

Heaven knows
I long to love You
With all I am
I belong to You

i offer up my heart to all of you.
they say... half a heart is better than none.

today i typed "always distant" in my phone
and saved it.

thats what expectations always are

simple yet profound.

thats what everything is.

spiritual warfare.

what a majestic battle.

Without fear..
We walk on.

knowing we've fought the good fight.

hmm... i shall smile even though i don't feel like it...

i just feel like i don't understand a single thing now...

i really don't think i do.....

guess i better keep my mouth shut a bit more....

stop thinking too much....

just be like everyone else...

Staccie Orrico....

I've got it all but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go?

There's gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high
To satisfy me'Cause the more that I'm
Trippin out, thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life but I'm sure
There's gotta be more

Is it really that simple? or am i just... such a fool....

hafta write.. really just feel like writing.. =)
honestly... i think i've been keeping things to myself quite a bit lately
well anyway today was great. birthday was brillant...
=) i really did enjoy myself so much... even though i didn't really know, or wasn't familiar with so many people there
i won a prize today at the birthday party... its basically about being careful about the words u use and not say "no" .. =)! thanks!
i guess what impressed me the most was the way grace, (i know u're a regular reader of this blog.. i'm honoured) well... u're just so nice really! u even made ur own cake!! and ur cake was fabulous... never tasted nicer brownies before... well yeahh... and though everyone there was little or no initiative to sing u birthday song... u started us going! u were the life of the party, yet the party was for u =) i know sometimes i'm a little caught in my own world thinking of things... well! but i really did enjoy today. u have a great bunch of friends... Lander (tt how u spell it?)... ! super fun. haha glad to meet him. just hope u like the present... i guess i do hope u like the words i wrote more than e present itself, cos it does mean more to me than giving u a present...
yup... really happy to know u, never thought anything would spring from meta camp last year. haha u remember what i said.. i'm sure =)
honestly.. u seem a little different to me though... i think u're a little bit more carefree. mebbe not so stressed trying to build up SIM CC right. now got more helpers... but oh well =) ... happy birthday! hope u enjoy it.. its ur big 21st birthday!
yeah i guess i have a test coming up on thursday... will and shall study hard for it. God willing.
ya.. but all that pizza makes me full... really full.. pizza de france. i shall support it. cos they believe in God... and cos its ur brother's shop! God will bless it for sure. i rate it the best party i've been to this year =) Cos god is part of it.. and cos i'm truly amazed and how wonderful people can be.

On another note, I had a pleasant time today alone.. just walking around =)
i still haven't found that mysterious heart + jell-o + cheesecake shop though! i really wanna find it....

today's birthday reminded me of wishes....
what a wish means, what a wish would do, and what a wish is for....
and i find myself reminiscing each and every year, and every wish i've made
=)

there's something in u... brothers and sisters..
something in you that i can see but cannot place... and i cannot decipher....
that is beyond my understanding. but yet shines so brightly.....
that u are the salt and the light of this world... so needed, and shining ever so brightly.

=) i can always smile
God is so magnificent in so many ways.....
sometimes i probably do care so much about what might happen.
u know, every little thing that happens is such an awesome testimony ....

i'll always wonder... =) bcos God is the God of Wonders.....
and there are many miracles that happen in our lives.
i don't see so many things that happen... i don't know so much.
that i might live by faith... is something that might be hard to impress upon ourselves
but yet knowing our plan is there for us
I know...
I'll give up everything....

Thank God... for every single little thing he has done.

i smile =)

sometimes i feel i give up a lot just to be honest.. pride... hmm FACE... Style? etc.. superficial stuff that i don't really care for.
its tough though, nonethless. i am human and definitely affected by the world.. though i'm slowly edging closer to my spirituality.
haha =)
something i believe in though...
just like i believe in God =)
i'll be true !! and have not a care in the world. =)
what am i feeling at this moment? i'm really not sure.

from the inside out.

i slept well last night... really well....
yet my mind didn't rest at all... have you ever had a night where... u couldn't wake up...
u're in a dream... just that you know your mind is working, and when you wake up... u've had this feeling where you know u can remember things.... because its all still there in your head?

this is going to be a very honest post...
i've decided.. i'm really a huge victim of my own insecurities....... and i can't really think of any way to cure it... That sometimes i wonder if i'd lost it all... who would be there for me? think my best friends were there at my lowest.. and they really brought me through all my insecurities... yet now as i grow.. as i become more secure, they've let me grow on my own.. face the harsh realities alone. and i'm struggling without them. They are pillars that'll never waiver... pillars that have always been there and will always be there... and i really do want this security all the time... they, like God, have just given something to me that'll last my entire life. i might always dream about the long term but i don't think i can ever reach it.. that somehow along the way... i might trip... and i might just stay fallen.
People don't understand me because they just see me now... they see the "smart" matthias, they see the "confident" matthias... yet i wasn't like that, and even now i'm not like that.. i'm so aware of my inadequacies, so aware of my flaws... i feel so under pressure..that truly who they see is perhaps just half of me.... so few can tell me what i'm truly inside; even the people i'm with day in day out... that they just see what i am on the outside.
and yet when i was what i was before... who stuck with me? and i can count the numbers with less than a handful of fingers... and i don't even want people to like me for who i am now... i really don't... i want people who'll like me when i am nothing at all.

Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

and perhaps i've been listening to this song too much.. yet i think it struck a chord deep within me....
can u love me from my inside out, can it last forever, neverending?
and that why i love God so much... i see everything from the inside out...
everything...

-can i cry.... with no shame.... -

How can I say thanks for the things You have done for me. . .
Things so undeserved, yet You gave Your life to prove to me
The voices of a million angels cannot express - my gratitude
All that I am and ever hope to be. . .I owe it all to thee

For you....

When you first found love,
Was it all that you had wanted
For a thousand lonely years
Was the memory so sweet
Now your scented touch brings me
Back to the enchanted
All shadows fade away,
The gypsy is complete
Someone is walking beside me
Someone is waiting till I say yes I do
Someone is living inside me
Giving me all that I need and I need you
Someone to cry on my shoulder
I just want to stay here forever
From the secret pool,
Did I stare at your reflection
Let the water wash away all the battle
From my soul
For the bride of spring,
Do I swear to your protection
Today will be the day that never shall
Grow old

its an empty feeling....
how perhaps i've accomplished that much in the material world...
i guess i really don't have much to say....

i could do more...
and i want God to call me into action everytime he needs me
and may i never EVER refuse his call....

i'd never ever thought i miss so many things.....
that you realise having hit the big 2-1..... that they won't come by anymore....
i'd tell the story, over and over again... just to reminisce those times....
back then, perhaps crying came naturally, everything wasn't so much of a struggle,
not like now... where a mistake might cost you so dearly.
its test time... and i dread to think what comes after these tests......
it never seems to end... its like a cycle that repeats itself over and over again.....
like a loop-to-loop track, and you just want to let yourself go.....
Over the 2.5 years in army... it really feels now like we're storing energy during those times to last us this next chapter of the race.. but it never does feel enough....
you feel like a rocket thats ejected its fuel, and you worry about the light on the dashboard that blinks a brillant yellow.
you just hope the next fuel stop comes, like an oasis in a desert?
and it will, its a magical world we live in.

I'm really wondering if we can equate stress to pain.... to suffering.
Somehow they seem the same, yet so different.
Its Singapore... we've our own brand of language.

So right now, admist all those numbers, are letters and pictures that float about inside that tiny little brain of mine....
haha... i do so wonder why i'm in engineering. numbers come like a jigsaw to me, like a picture. Just more fluid that one'd ever imagine.
I can just look at it in so many different ways...
You see, there is really more than what we see in a number.
its not just plain mathematics, or physics... its a myriad of your imagination.
2 can become 1, 3, 4 or even a word... then again it might become a picture.

God's love for me... Praise Him

you know....
i think i'm getting happier where i'm at right now....
with all the tests coming... while that competitive streak in me... added to those high ambitions to be among the best..... (blame it all on what they told me when i was younger.. u're the top 0.5% of your cohort) -So not true. Maybe then, not now... i guess i did study quite a bit even in primary school, or i wouldn't be able to scale those heights i once did... i still retain a little bit of it though......-
But now... its not about doing well, its not about getting full marks or reaching the top 20 or even top 50... well....perhaps i do sometimes fall into that trap...
But i really don't think i might be able to reach that good grades... i guess i never ever reach my fullest potential with regards to academics.. its a must, a definite must to study hard.. do as well as we can. but i guess... just trying to wringle every single drop of sweat from me is a little bit too extreme... but yet others do that.. and perhaps, me just being me, might not reach those heights... i guess.. reaching those heights have proved to be hazardous for me... that its one of my weaknesses that i might get carried away with pride... and sometimes i feel he shields me from it so carefully. i should just be thankful and be happy for what i have and what i can achieve too... yet never forget how i should live my life. that really.. God's plan for each and everyone of us is not to be the best academically... surely we should all try to do our best, but yet without forgetting ourselves.
and perhaps i feel that i have been a little guilty of that lately.. really forgetting myself and letting the whole academic arena and my own pride overwhelm me... that sometimes i might attribute it to my own hard work, or to my own abilities... when that is perhaps the biggest lie i can ever tell myself and i guess its really disappointing when that happens. yet... God always leads me back to the right path. and i can continue to trust him on that... today was a real mind opener.. =)
I remember something i once said many years back... when my life really changed through really knowing and experiencing him.. i trust god with all my heart.. that he'll "Never let me fall too deep, that i might know something after being in it, but yet to never fall into it" And through the years, its such a blessing to know, something i'm so thankful for is that... he'll never let me make a mistake too grave, he does shield me from hurt and pain, and yet he always reminds me of who i am, and what i'm meant to be... he always throws the lifesaver out to me... and reels me back in...
i'm not the best student, perhaps never... and i'm happy to be what i am. That i can follow him in my own manner. being who i am for him in so many other ways. he'll never let me fall... and i know i can be thankful for all that i have.. at every single moment... and just know its all from Him
Praise Him. We always thank him, we always ask him... yet how much do we really tell ourselves he's really such an Almighty, Great and Wonderful Father.

its time to blog....
i'm a little inspired today...

Poly Vs JC Debate...
I think! Poly people should have more confidence in their abilities!!!
that they can do it. Its not that they're less capable academically!
sometimes, they just have to believe in themselves.

Somehow.. while studying hard is what we should really do....
we should study with purpose, and not just for the sake of the grade...
Is it true that some of us study without understanding?
We study to learn, for more knowledge and more skills... not for that A.

So couple of mishaps lately. LCD Screen x 02 broke. Lap top + Phone.
I guess.... i didn't exactly learn from the first one breaking. and perhaps i really needed to be taught the hard way.. okay... well....
somehow i really don't have to look at everything in the way that i do.
I can choose otherwise....
But then again.. looking deep within each and every "event" that happens to me...
it always seems that God always tries to balance me out.
1. When i'm getting too proud, too ego, he finds ways to bring me back down to earth
2. When i'm getting too depressed, feeling too lousy about myself, he finds ways to give me confidence...
3. When i'm too happy and decadent, he reminds me of the sufferings, and the little mishaps that will happen... to cure me of my complacency
4. when i'm lost, he shows me my path even more clearly.
5. when i feel redundant, he shows me my worth.
6. when i let get carried away, he makes me lose focus.
7. when i'm stressed, he finds ways to let me relax.
8. when everything goes wrong, he shows me something that goes right...

and what can i really say..? i am thankful...
that really.. i might say that he never lets me fall for too long, or fall too much..

but it does take an active heart.... a willing spirit.
i am blessed... really really blessed...

hmm put God at the centre of everything....
today... studies really distracted me... that its not about studying, its not about how smart i am!
with whatever i am given, i must use it for the right purpose... the more is given to me, the more is expected of me...
Really.. i think i might have done quite well for chemistry, and not too badly for maths...
but really.. i think it shouldn't matter to me.... hai its hard to strike a balance. and even now i'm struggling with how to strike one...
WHAT REALLY is RESULTS TO ME?! =( SIGH
i don't even understand myself enough now....
i've always asked myself this question and will continue to ask it
when will i be able to give up EVERYTHING for GOD! ? i really do hope i do one day, even if its not now.... because i must continue to learn and strive for it... it just is a simple choice... and i must ultimately live out what i believe in..........
its amazing how i could tell myself i dun want an A for my studies, but for my life.. yet i might have fallen back on that... and lost sight of it. But perhaps God always balances out my life in so many different ways, that i'll never lose sight of Him, or of my purpose... and i can only be thankful for whatever i have =) life is a mystery...
another step towards the light... =) i can see clearly now.... the rain has come....
i can see all obstacles in my way....

for every sin that we have, there is an act of loving kindness.
and that makes the world a brighter place...

everyone seems to be studying now.. well except for a few friends and I.
i'm actually writing a post... and its stressful, just thinking how everyone is mugging so hard..
i've put it down to this feeling....
that i'll actually be satisfied with any results i get, however, it just seems that everyone is aiming to be the best. and i feel that if i'm not among the best, it means i'll be at the bottom.. u know how they say for econs module, if u lose one mark, thats one grade less... and thats my feeling right now! what if i lose 2 or 3... will that mean i'm at the bottom of the pile.. thus my stress, and everyone's stress in uni. and i don't really know if i'm being over confident, thinking i know my stuff, or whether i actually do... it is never possible to answer every question, neither is it good not to answer any question... it really does feel like i must know every answer to every question though, and only then will i feel completely confident about the test. tests are stressing.. i must constantly remind myself this is uni, its not A-levels. Admist our mugging culture and traditions, it is important that we do not cut ourselves off from everything else, just to pursue mugging like we once did during those "major" exams.. things have changed. we grow up, our priorities have switched, our directions have taken on a new path.

my dad is in vietnam now.. typhoon just struck....
u're sick.. it kinda worries me, though i know by faith, things will be alright..
yet this really takes my mind of studying..... sometimes i just think about how life would change if tragedy struck me.....
what would i then want, what whould i cling on to in my life? definitely not my A+, A or even B+ in my tests.... probably much more than that....
i do want an A* for living my life.. i do want to make that difference.