dear JC

so much has happened, from Christmas to Meta to Watchnight....
yet... things have seemed so blurred....
Christmas was okay....
to me. perhaps i missed certain people. i missed some really good friends.. but it was okay.
seeing everyone with all their friends really made me wonder where my childhood went. but my childhood has made me a stronger person, and.... they'll never know what it was like for me...

Meta Camp, well.. i really didn't learn much here. yet the experience is something different, something new. perhaps its due to my spiritual maturity and my overall maturity as a person. And i've touched some lives during meta. Think even my leader was touched, cos.... its never easy to cry.. =) but i really admire her, i really have tonnes of respect for her, just as she has for me; i believe. Grace : Unmerited Favour. She looks like Xinyi also. Thats like such a coincidence. I wish her all the best with her Campus Crusade ministry. She shared so openly and so emotionally, u really feel her, in all her thoughts and feelings. Perhaps for her, living a real-life, one thats open to all the struggles, one that open to all the hurt and pain, living closely to Jesus, being a person for Him hasn't been easy. yet.... its a new start, and i praise God for that. Also, Pearlyn.... such a blessing and someone so spiritually mature as well.... i think we've all been blessed. Dianne too, all leaders in our own rights. Well.... i guess i went into meta with problems and came out of it with problems. during the camp, perhaps i managed to discover a little more of myself. How different i am from others, yet how i can spur others on towards living the christian life. I hope William, the youngest member of our group, CG29, and also a member of our church will grow and grow... into an established christian, strong in the faith and the word.... cos he's showing tonnes of potential right now anyway. I see everyone getting into a spiritual high though... yet i didn't.. And well i just hope as high as they get, that it doesn't drop, so many have suffered after they drop into the abyss of spiritual lowness after such a climb to the summit. Well, CG29 was really a special group, how everyone fitted, everyone in different walks of their spiritual life... ad it all came together....i think i might have found some friends, some gd friends.. yet can i be sure?
i told my group, how i wanted to build on the friendships i have, build all the meaningful relationships i had.... and i asked them the question.. "although i always wished i could make e best of friends from this group, i know, deep down inside how because we are all from different backgrounds, we will all probably split up. and what i want is meaningful relationships... " can we face up to reality? i think these sentences really touched my CG. really showing her how we don't hide anything from e world.... how we are spiritually and personally and emotionally transparent.... to everyone... thats how real one can be.

well.... yeah.... hmmm perhaps i told Cheri how i have this fear within me of how i'm scared of losing friends, cos i lost so many.... but well... submitting it to God, and living in freedom of fear really will work. PErhaps thats a themee that just keeps recurring for the new year, living in freedom. freedom of fear, freedom of anger, freedom from urself. yup! however my new resolutions are different, i need to concentrate more on my ministries in church, and perhaps do not get distracted by my own flaws, my own misgivings, my own wants.... cos its not about me. we do not lead the self centered life. there's a friend so young, yet so inexplicably mature.

Watchnight was okay. i guess finally, deborah q said sorry to me which means a lot, think she has changed so much, and from it all, she has learnt so much. i believe that everything i did, was not in vain ultimately. and well for Dorea q .... she's a great person, a great friend.... i really treasure her for all she is. Perhaps, seeing everyone around... i just wonder... to myself again......
"meaningful relationships" - are they truly around? do i have them? i do. well... i stayed over at Jon's house though i didn't fellowship much, i guess most of us have an understanding with each other about each other lives... yet we aren't that close to share our problems, perhaps thats because everyone here has found their listeners in their lives....
well... as the new year ushers in....
i guess one word for everyone would be "take care" .....
including myself....

thats all for now..
on a side note..
1. thanks woo for the cookies u specially made, really i've not done my part and gone over and collect it but..thank you! i will soon.

carolling and such.

well carolling has been a long long few hours...
and the whole time, through it i was thinking... and thinking and thinking....
What do i want from the people around me?
I realise i have so many flaws w/ respect to my eq.. by no means am i perfect.
I find myself wondering.... how does one break out of his shell....
is having more friends or gd friends more important to me...
where do i find these good friends... everyone in church seem to be social bees, and those that are not seem to have preferences in their friends as well.....
-talking about friendship again-... i always do.
i'm touched by the deepest friendships i have, those with the deepest concern and care for me....
those willing to go the extra mile for me.. its so rare....
i thought so much during carolling, i distinctly remember every moment of it.... in pure detail.. and i shall start here....

I reached church at 525... the bus had not left yet.. Tim drove me over, he really went the extra mile for me, he has done a lot of it for me, and i duno know what to say to him, but really i think he has given up so much more for me than i have for him, yet i want to and i'm thinking of ways how. when i reached there i immediately went to the toilet. but i saw amanda there and was happy to see her though she's quite closed up and all... but its nice to see someone different from the rest. So we went to the first house which was Jamie's house. pretty good warm up place to go to. i was hoping so much to see deborah there. cos she always take a moment, here and there just to spare a thought for me. and tt i appreciate it. sat in front of the bus with jerome... with claire and abigail behind me. they're cool, they appeal more to me.... with their maturity...
at Jamie's house. first thought that occurred to me was, is there something really going on with jamie's brother and roxanne? what a stupid thought, it didn't matter one bit. so anyway.. ya we went in, sang, and went out. didn't have much thoughts, the parents and all didn't really respond. then u wonder what carolling is all about? to spread the good news right! ?
so anyway abck to the bus, was thinking to myself the YAG people really have their own group, and they sing together and all that, and so did the SSS people. where does that place me then?
is it everyone just being cliqueish? no i don't think so, u realise its just some people that are like that.... but it hinders new people from joining in. all e same.
so anyway down to the 2nd place. pot luck cuisine. that was interesting, we were like a live band. think eveyrone stepped up discipline.... oh ya cherlyn scolded everyone on the bus, and sometimes u think.... its hard for her, yet sometimes she encourages it as well.. thats the problem, that lack of consistency. thought of what sharon said about janis being consistent... trying to do that too .so pot luck, we didn't exactly draw in e biggest crowd cos there weren't many people walking by, but those that did came to see and listen and take photos and all that. and the manger was clapping hard! just to encourage us.. really appreciate his effort as well. he gave us tonnes of nice foods. that the part of christmas .....
well it didn't exactly feel like christmas.
so joan's house next. and this house had special meaning, yet u wonder how many people actually were singing and all to try to spread god's love and all... u know i think too much. everyone singing for God. thats all thats important. Ultimately. sigh just that everything has seemed a social thing so far... i think for me its hard.. was talking to claire the night before. having that burning passion for God and trying to spread it to others is such a hard thing, and u always get disappointed by it. and i guess for me, when i find that girl.. she must understand and support me wholly in the aspect. sigh. carolling, a social event.. definitely is. i realise without the people, it would be not as fun and all.. and it was really enjoyable cos of everyone. yet social it still is .amelia and beverly just said they noticed me. to me it doesn't matter now. they spent the whole time with other people, and i really wonder why they came... they never came for any practices or such. u see her becoming closer to mark.... and u wonder... u know how u and her grow more distant. how she goes clubbing so much more and all that. she has fitted into her own culture now, and they don't need u anymore though they wouldn't mind if you were around?
the food there was great.. nice seeing everyone, its a lovely family.
went to toa payoh. saw aunty guat ha there.. this was different. out of every place that we went to, i think it was e most meaningful... that we really brought joy to the place, because it wasn't a party or anything.
then on to cho's house. saw aunty june there. haha she's still so nice to me and i respect her for that. she's a special kinda person...a very different sort of person. one with the passion for everything she does... yeah... well she kinda messed up cho's song. haha but it was out of her passion and love she made that mistke. made the most serious mistake of carolling for me too, where i accidentally started one line too early. anyway, ya people seem to think i have confidence in public speaking... i don't think i do, i have tonnes of insecurities. yet.. i'm confident of myself as well. but i dun enjoy having that facade all the time. anyway saw amelia like posing behind a fan. perhaps i didn't see it in her either.. but she's like a kid, she just follows the latest trend and all.and i don't mean to nit pick but she shouldn't have used the bible verses out of context. thats blasphemy. and she said it in jest. the choices people make. people ever change though... and i guess its only when they truly settle down can us eee what kind of person they really are, and what choices they make.
yeah anyway jerome was going on and on about "her".. and its all the time. he's a romantic. i respect that.. its what kids go through these days. yetit'll pass... i didn't mean to tell people, but i felt that all these older people will give him responses that will actually like help him through it. unknowingly but the responses will help him.after cho's house....
drove down to the han's place
i'm really starting to respect Tim Han... i think there's something about him that strikes u that he's a really good person deep beneath. Plus he's mature. Ivan.. well something else about him. think he's just an extreme social bee. still a little irresponsible though, and very inconsistent.
so the Han's place was great. really the food was great, the atmosphere was great, and the parents were nice, plus their maids were really friendly ! well Daryl Liu asked June this question,.cos marnchi was asking.. like who looks good in YAG and SSS. quite a few names came out.. and u realise those that are not deemed as gd looking actually tend to fade into the shadows in big social gatherings and groups. me too i guess. but ultimaltey thats what most people are. superficial. but oh well.. i really starting to appreciate claire... really i feel that for me, she's been special, and i don't see many other people actually being nice to me... she's actually nice, not like just being a gd friendly nice person, she's nice to me. something different between her and every other girl i meet.
slept over at tim's place that night. i slept early cos i felt that i was kinda out of the conversations anyway. and like it didn't matter to me anyway. a little bit out of place. sleeping was good, it stopped me thinking. life is so serious for me now... and i see all of them, all these young people and how they can enjoy joking around, talking about meaningless stuff like how they wrote for their chinese exams, all the jokes about people, etc... and really.. u wanna live life to ur fullest. what do they bring to u? just another thing to mention to ur friends right. guess its a social stigma. or even worse when they talk about the bible in a wrong way. really, they don't realise how important religion is to some people. irresponsible once again. i realise how everyone still takes to mark. and for me its a repeat of what i had in j1 again... its influence that matters, not how right. cos u wonder.. why is it that they reprimand me... yet they..... SIGH. so much troubles, yet so few know. i wanna be happy again.. u know. anywya i shall cut out "damn" from my vocabulary and replace it with "so"... out of respect. how many people can actually say they're will be saved anyway... we're all not perfect, neither is our faith. deep down inside them they know. but really... like ya sigh it just seems like its all going to happen that way. i really gave up on so many people today.....
i don't think i'm ever gonna really break into the SSS clique or the YAG clique. and i think all i can do is really, just make friends slowly but steadily, one-on-one... naturally with people. example with woo and tim. really at the chalet i was so troubled i didn't have much time for them, yet they always so understanding cos they were concerned about me... i so appreciate that. and u know, i'm trying to find people and groups that i can actually feel comfortable with, that share the same goals and passions in life as me... not YAG people who are concerned with school, with friends and all that, not SSS people who are concerned with jokes/fun...
i mean i like them too, but thats not what i need in my life... perhaps just wants. and at the end, its what u need.... to grow and all
anyway apologies to a lot of people, supposed to stay away from some people...
its only right. "submitting to authority i guess"

anyway i guess giving out presents for christmas....
to friends, not to acquaintances.....
=) get one soon.!

catholic

today my catholic friend told me how he's actually more of a christian than a catholic now ... and he told me abt the part i had to play, about stuff i told him that made a difference =) really happy i'm actually edifying someone....
hope he comes to church soon.

then i think.
i'm proud of what i've done for God.

and i think i know why

i know why i'm feeling e way i am...
i'm sad that people from my church persecuted me....
for something i did not do....
that they reprimand me and take away things in my life...
for what others did to me
and all the time.... i tried to take a biblical, godly stand... one that i asked God guidance for
yet i still got scolded. yet i still seem in the wrong....
perhaps there is just so much i can do....

sometimes good intentions bring about bad consequences...

one minutes just passed.

today i cut my finger 4 times...
and i felt no pain.
yet it bled and bled.....
and i could see e flesh....
and i think thats how i got 4 cuts....
1 cut........
and i just kept cutting..
without knowing.
i wonder why.


this happened yesterday.
because one minutes just passed

i miss the times when i was alone..

and someone told me...
"you're not of this world, u don't belong here".

and i felt it made sense.

stay away....

you know, so much have happened in the last few days
i just feel so lost once again.
i live by faith and faith alone.
as it goes now, things are going wrong.....
sigh.
u know.
i'm an idiot.
i just wish it'd all get better
really...
just that day i talked to aunty.
got reprimanded....
thats a first for me, being told what to do doesn't feel right at all, especially when its against your conscience.
really, i just feel so victimised by people and circumstances.
in my own home as well, my church.
that people even doubt me is one issue....
i know i'm young and inexperienced. and i realise i have not been as careful as i should have.
thats a big mistake in itself already...
sigh i felt my character being questioned..... how can people not trust me right.....
it really made me doubt myself, doubt my faith, doubt my calling, doubt my works.
that every good i've done and tried to do, has all gone down the drain, into the rubbish bin, how people look at only the negatives, rather than the positives....
i know the negatives should never be neglected.....
my conscience is still clear.
they are my friends as well....
can i not care and not be concerned about them?
it feels all e effort i put into them has all gone down e drain....
all because of circumstance.
i am demoralised... my heart broken.
i don't care one bit about my reputation. maybe i expect too much from them as well...
and people expect too much from me as well
they do not realise my age.... they do not understand me enough...
but they still vouch for me and i appreciate that.
but still.. i feel perhaps ministry is for all,
why leave those alone..?
really, sometimes i don't understand why... everything i do gets misunderstood...
it just identifies with me.
that one word.
misunderstanding.
and all my friends realise it too.
maybe i should learn to trust and expect less from everyone.
by faith, hope and love....
i lost a little bit of each yesterday.
on another note. i don't wanna disappoint anyone...
yet i feel they will misunderstand everything, and they will be disappointed with me
that will really hurt me.
that because of all that, people have lost trust in me, and many might lose more trust in me....
sigh....yet i wonder what did i do wrong? do good? be who i am? build others up?
sigh how can people do that to me?
i feel so untrusted by the people i have so learn to trust....
i feel like an outsider... in my own home.
i'm not meant to be at the centre of it all.

on another note, carolling was great but i was a little out of sorts.

once again.. i feel that we have so much it common,
yet things should complement... not just be in common
circle of trust.

all that was above....
are just some random thoughts....
i wrote a letter today.
really... u finish last.

life goes on.
i'm a psychotic.
just so misunderstood.......
@ least i know someone who understands.

stay away....

i love her so much...

i love her soo soo much
yet.... friendships are so much more important
and u never want to risk losing that friendship.......
losing it all.

maintaining the stand..

i mantain the stand tt we shouldn't talk bad about other people, unless its in a good light
we should not judge and condemn other people for what we think.
people are not as nice as they should be.
u really see people show their true selves in army.. and u can see from their reaction to it what they're like as well.
yet..... i've met quite a few nice ones lately.
my judgement of people has not really been wrong as such.
i'm just perplexed by why... things seem to be going awry...
talked to my best friend and the one friend tt i totally place all trust in
only to her, can i pour out my deepest frustrations with people, and with things in my life
i told her "i'm feeling old.."
and i wonder why
i just seem to be able to talk to the older folks now, the upper generation, and it seems there is a generation gap between me and others
but not with her...
and perhaps she gave me new insight.. its not just me
i just need to meet the right people....
its the people i hang around... and i see around.
and she's right, my judgement has not been wrong so far... cos of God's guidance in it.
Its not that i cannot communicate with them, by far i'm brillant in my own right in communication
just yesterday i said hi to the prettiest girl in the entire paya lebar air base... i know her of course
but like ya she's really nice and all...
pity she's 23 so i look up to her more as a cool sister.
its gd knowing people. esp nice people.
i don't feel shy at all.
i guess the people around me.... the people that i hang around with. the people i know.
just some not all, too much irrelevant, nonsense, meaningless things are talked about with them. and i don't appreciate it one bit. or they're just messed up in some way.
i'm struggling with it, i always wondered if it was me, but perhaps its not. its reassuring... its not me getting old, its just them staying young!
i need a mentor. ineed someone to edify me with thought provoking ideas and talk.
i need that adult to personally coach me....
the people that i meet, its so rare that i feel motivated, i feel edified by them...esp now that janis is gone. she, joce and perhaps jon cheah were the rare few that gave me new things to learn, new things to seek. and i so appreiciate it. probably because of their spiritual maturity. i need that mentor.. to help me move one more step upwards in my spiritual walk.
perhaps i've been hanging around with the wrong crowd...sigh
i have to thank miffy and liying really. they truly show me a side of church which i don't see very often, a very gd side of church, and of communication. they have truly "edified" me in some way or the other....
now thats what i'm talking about. talks with meanings.
and perhaps these little things set christians apart from one another. and ultimately what our role and treasures and heaven, our rewards will be like.
i shun all meaningless and senseless talk.
i shun all unedifying words.
i shun all gossip.

my friend once told me. he's 24 but.
he told me....
a pastor went to heaven and paul gave him the key to his house, and it was a small small cottage
down the road he walked, and there was a bus driver that fetched people to and fro from his church, he had a huge mansion with swimming pools and all...
the pastor asked paul. why is it that i have such a small house and the bus driver has such a big house?
paul replied... "everyday u preach in e church, but everyone is sleeping"
but when the bus driver drives, everyone is praying!!"

what determines your treasure in heaven?
every little single thought and word u think and say.
=)

flooding

having flooded myself with an overwhelming number of emotions....
the storm has calmed
and i always think too much
changing blogs has made me feel tonnes better
i realise that perhaps maybe i'm too rash, too open with everything i feel
perhaps that isn't very gd
oh well...
it was a brillant day today..
everything worked out....
u know its special when tt happens.
and more special things are waiting for me, whatever e case, whatever e circumstance
haha... feelings play around with me all the time.
still learning to overcome it.

It all boils down to personality types .. INFP. thats me.
Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive.
That says i keep most things inside, i follow my conscience and my feelings without thinking too much, yet i have such an open-mindedness side to me.
People misunderstand me all the time
i have one word for all those people.
idiots.

And, oh lemme tell u abt this most stupid incident.....
it was at ECP. quite a while back.
Went with some people.
After dinner, they all went toilet including me, said to meet back at the entrance
3 guys, all went toilet, 4-5 girls, all went toilet i think
everyone met back, except this one guy, who was loitering at the entrance at the other side of the toilet
one of the girls went " where is (the guy)?"
then she continued talking..
i asked " where is ? " and started looking around....
the other guy obviously didn't care
e girls just continued chatting.
in e end, i waited for 5 minutes see if they wanted to go look for him.
no response, just keep talking.
The guy too. OBVIOUSLY this shows how self-centered people are.
so i went to look, and the other guy was like at the other entrance loitering, duno doing what.
He was waiting there for us. Ya right, thats idiotic. either he's dumb or i don;t know what.
So i called him. See and he said "Oh i didn't know where you all were?" and i was thinking.. LIKE.... then GO LOok, like standing alone for 10 minutes and u wonder where people are and u don't bother looking?
Don't think anyone cared that he was really missing either
my friend is really right, everyone thinks of themselves only
maybe i should too.
perha ps then i'll accomplish some things i want to finish in my life more quickly.
rather than silently waiting.....
in all my sadness and struggles with these people
but then... they always say "never give up"

and perhaps this blog should stay as secret as it should be.....
a-secret-only-i-would-know.
cos...... i might offend others.........
yet i might hurt myself.....
with all my vulnerability.

leaving it

and the title of my new blog...

"when feelings are playing with me again"
so so true
it always does
i shall not play with it...

leaving it behind...
emotional baggage really ties you down
its a new year coming soon anyway
a rebirth of spirits
and.....

haha. =) golly
"when the door shuts, lock it"
never to open it again....

wishing well

u know u wish....
that sometimes everything would just fall into place...
and there wouldn't be a tinge of sadness
that u'd have her all to yourself
but it never happens
u wanna escape from everything
retire to that lonely island...
away on the horizon.
what do u matter anyway?
when u think of such wonderful dreams,
yet greeted with reality
stop sulking in despair.
and the inadequate love shown to you
one day it'll come
like a wind it'll sweep u up
and never let u down.
to you, to me, just waiting...
for tt perfect moment..
for that perfect girl
and u just wished it happen now.
u're a romantic...
u love, yet no one loves in return.
you wait, forever.
perhaps perhaps.. it'll come.
perhaps not.
feelings cheat u all the time
they play with ur heart
u wanted to ask her out
but u're stuck in e queue....
given a number...
when love needs to start over...
perhaps there'd be one with no queue
where there's only room...
for me and her.
and i'm just waiting...
for that moment..
of plan-etary magic.

on-a-bed-of-nails

i wonder why it hurts...
*ouch*

-on-a-bed-of-nails-
u think...

perhaps, perhaps.
perhaps not.

quots.

"your feelings are playing tricks on you"
"man is by nature self centered, and selfish"
"i don't wanna be hypocritical"

hmm.. oh well ... makes sense of course

had dinner with tim again at his club. he's always treating me.
i feel bad. waiting for my financial status to improve, then i can treat him.
he says i don't owe him anything, but its an obligation that i do not let all the treating become too one-sided. shall make an effort to plan something
well talked about christian faith and why i go to church and he doesn't.
he makes a lot of sense...
everything he said is totally and surely true.
and for that he deserves so much more respect than so many others out there.
for me though, i just feel that i'll never give up on the things i hope the world to become...
and people to become.
and for me to become. perhaps my future is still lying in the balance. but ultimately i know it'll be for him.
Everyone needs encouraging, even me. hope christmas provides it.
feeling jaded is not the way.
that optimism, so special.
and i think e answer to the qn tim was asking me would be "cos she makes me happy, and i wanna make her happy" but not up to me to decide.
but perhaps. perhaps.
this too, so special.

"God will make a way, when there is no other way..."
"He works in ways we cannot see, he will make a way for me!"

A Social Manifesto or A Worship Haven?

I'm a silent introvert.

One that doesn't connect to others easily.

i make up words like "Fantabulous"

"but the greatest of these is love"

I remain hidden underground.

waiting to be fully discovered.


"An Enigma"
Someone out of e ordinary.
doesn't conform to the usual lifestyles
mysterious... yet mystical
self-learning, hidden talents
unknown.

You learn a lot.

Abstract as it may sound, it actually puts across a story of the conversation.

Will you agree, or disagree?

And she falls like a prata.

How i wish i was just like any other. Why do i care so much?

Caring is forever.

"What sets u apart?"

That small little ray of hope.

I miss that, and that, and that and that.
And i thought i was better of this way...

Perhaps, perhaps.

I still think of...

thinking of.

hmm....
i don't know why...
but today.....

i just thought of....

hope

i hope.

"i could be mistaken"
trust myself.

hm.

sigh.
perhaps.
perhaps.

today it set in.

today it set in..
janis has left.....

the video totally didn't help
and i realise i musn't let her down, neither must any of my group members.
yet e personal ties she had with some of them had kept them coming, kept them here in church, and its hard for me to step her into her shoes and fill that void
yet i'll try my best, i must step up...
really i must, in so many things i'm involved in, i've always had to make that step up...
and i shall try my best.
i've failed so many times.

sometimes i find myself nitpicking on people
on small little things, yet i know i could be wrong
and i realise it doens't last long.. tt's gd.

its hard for anyone to admit they're in e wrong.
everyone.
yet we all should.
cos we're always wrong at some point or the other, we're never totally right
God knows that. he's always right.
me too, i need to learn. i'm a rebellious kid.
but. commit everything to God, u know u can't be wrong.
its never just about us.
its the chord of 3, me you and God.

today someone shared with me something, i'm glad i can be trusted. he told me of all people
and i just got to know him, not tt well either

tmr someone takes a test =)
and will pass.
i'll pray. i'm sure God will make it happen.
God will answer prayers.

anyway. i've learnt to climb the stairs.
one day u will too.

and we must realise we grow up. ultimately, not to keep on growing. but to make use of that maturity....

if they're not straight.

the adults said this.. not me, during tonight's bbq

if they're not straight, by sec 1... they won't respond to girls.
if they're ont straight.... they will wear unpleated pants
if they're not straight, they'll walk funny
and so much more
haha
and this parent was looking out for potential wives for his son.
we recommended him amanda.
haha..
really, she's so so nice.
i'd recommend her to anyone!

you know

you know i really don't understand people
i don't understand people older than me
i don't understand people my age
i don't understand people younger than me
in my opinion, almost everyone is messed up in someway or the other.
including me of cos, especially me in fact.

its damn weird when u expect people to be this way or like do this, but they do something totally opposite or just behave some other way.

i wonder if u can just sink into the earth if u concentrate hard enough.

then i wonder if i could take on a rhino.

trust is hard to come by
i should take my friend's advice.

oh well getting sleepy.
its a long long day tmr
duno if i should just don't care about e wedding dinner, after all i don't even know if i'm actually going or not.
its so dumb if i like go and there's no space for me.
anyway ther'es a class gathering as well....

realised my classmates had a blog ever since JC days
then i wonder, how come they got so close....
dats weird.
i guess its about DESTINY.
cos they could have become my gd friends as well
but like its all circumstance.

recall back the days i went for USP interview
i totally did not get in, and i think i know why

remember talking about God's plan for us.
tricky business..

anyway went to Swensens today and got a free earthquake, how cool is that. i like yam ice-cream now.

den went shopping with my friend, he told me about this relationship he's building up, hope and wish him all e best tmr... where he brings her out for dinner
once again. circumstance.

meida is so prettty, heard she's coming back this yr end. haha just a dream.
if a girl is so pretty to everyone, it just shows she isn't tt special ...
not to me though, probably to everyone else.

my friend treating me next week

i bought City of God for my friend for christmas.

got another class gathering next week

there's chalet the week after

there's sunday church on sunday.

Dorea, Syl and Roo coming back soon.
tts really gd. really nice to hear their voices when i first wake up
really starts off my day so nicely.

like today was great

making gd friends in army.

love them

love my other friends

but.

you one of them?

i really duno, waddya think?

damn, i'm a possessive friend.

oh well...

lets talk about something else

i duno why. i wanted to buy the omen to watch today
freaky movie...

my army friends deserve better
they share with me so much...
so much more.

weird

weird. i typed a pretty long post before e last but it didn't come out...
wondering about a few things right now..
just wondering...

can't wait for e days of being in heaven....

hope people are alright.

i'm a little suspicious....

yup.

to sylvia : being confirmed is a big step =) congrats... take care

and they don't really mean it

it only matters when people actually mean it.

i know. i can tell.

enlightenment

enlightenment....
after it all..... perhaps i was right all along...
now...
now i really know e whole story...
from e beginning.... since cookie making day...
till now.....
barring me overtrusting anyone. or people lying to me.
everything makes sense now..
the jigsaw fits
and i was right all along, and i did the right thing
yet the wrong consequence.... once again
really
people all make the wrong choices in life
IT IS SO DARN SADDENING!
enough, enough with all the attention on u.
i've been a fool for long enough.
i shall correct things...
w/ regret in my heart...
all e hurt u've caused,
not just to me.
but i understand now.
i'm angry
SIGH

and i had to find out this way
its not e right way.
and i've been wrong too
i have not been perfect.
but in a way, i know i've played my cards right
with God's guidance...

haha... oh well
things look bright
once again.....
that torch we carry for God
stays alight....
stays bright..

noo i'm happy

irritation lasts for a minute. haha happiness lasts forever.
wlel nah all those stuff is solved...cos its like u know u made e right decision
hahaand perhaps i was being a little oversensitive with everything
i think as long as u do e right thing, u feel assured that no matter whatever happens, u know u're right.
but oh well....
today. eventful !
haha... i sprained my butt!
now now....
not really my but but this muscle close to my butt
oh well
so weird
i got a weak butt...
nah anyway like its gd cos i'm on MC again...
but like it hurts to walk, its iced now
and like i can't press my car pedal without it hurting
anyway i took of my probational plates already!! ahah... like finally
so looking forward to e weekend
its always nice looking forward to e weekend
going janis' wedding!! tt'd be fun, plus sunday caroling too
oh well quite sad that someone has really decided to leave, despite everything and all things,.... and also because of everything and all things, its quite sad really...
yeah wonder if tmr christmas shopping is still on or not...can't wait for it...
but i'm on mc so its a bit hard... mebbe i'll go on thurs or friday instead.

which so reminds me....
i got tonnes of stuff to do
like a lot
i shall make a list soon

meanwhile, there seems to be space in my head for so many things...
i'm currently thinking of like so many different matters in one single period of time.
its like a "wondering " state...
but u know something
there's so many happy things in my life! likee i can't be sad for long
really so many, i think its christmas..
think its Jesus =)

grrr-----

mi not in a good mood
really really not in a good mood
but like looking forward to janis wedding...
there are ups and downs in my life
the downs a bit prominent today.
shall try, continue trying to be nicee...

pls tell me who interested in coming for e chalet!
invitations open to all, personal invitations will be given out on completion! but i don't know everyone so if like there are people i missed, please fill me in!
yuppps...
no alcohol!
and bring food if u can please...

sometimes i wonder why i do this.
people disappoint, they're never nice
some of them at least.
grrrrr----- but God teaches us love

grrr----- soooo irritated.

arrhh party woes

party woes....
like its so stressing organising a party...
its like, so many people u know
i realised like u wanna invite one u seem to have to invite the other. its like thats a problem with non-exclusive parties... like people all want their friends to be included.
anyway. 1. i invited the core group ! well they jknow they're invited i don't have to invite them actually! ( core group meaning those of us that discussed and so wanted the party!)
2. i invited the friends of this core group, closer friends of theirs.
3. i invited friends that i know that are closer to me or some friends of theirs that i think could get to know people in our church better
4. i invited their classes...
5. they're open to invite friends that they wanna invite as well. shall tell them that.
so basically its those people that wanted this party for them and their friends and thats what we did!
ya yet like it's become the biggest discussion topic outside the social circle.. esp among a certain group. and i'm wondering! is it so hard to throw a party these days
i'm sure gonna offend tonnes of people if they actually come across this blog.
so anyway i purposely didn't invite certain groups of people, i only invite people that are kinda linked to the above. so for example, i didn't invite some people cos they didn't fall into these certain groups of people. and i tried to stay away from people that are close to them as well. with a few exceptions that really can't be helped.
so YA like SIGH u know.
like i mean like ya why they discussing so much among themselves about it, like they could just have gotton to know me, and been my friend then they would have easily been invited cos i'll just invite them straight off, without thinking like whether to invite them or not now. so confusing, even my writing is confusing me, think my grammar is all mixed up. sigh u know, like i don't want this party to be exclusive but i don't have money to feed an entire army.... like ya... or like the time to organise it, like hope peolpe volunteer some help.... haha oh well.. its a party thrown for us by us.. kinda thing, so hoping everyone helps out too! its not my party, i just provided the invitations and the venue!
like ya u can invite who u want! really open to friends coming, this is not an exclusive invitation only party.. haha invitations are just for like funn, to make it formal, extravagant! people misunderstand...
well if u know anyone that wants to be invited!! pls sound me out! yup and not just for e sake of being popular and being in e happening crowd!
like those tt really wanna come u know, and not like "why am i not invited?" cos if they know me well enough... i'm not a distant kinda person, i'm not unfriendly, i don't try to make people feel left out, in fact i want everyone to feel in, but like....
"as long as u don't come and make others feel left out"
social things are so complicated. u know makes me a little angry. frustrated, whatever.....
like i just hope that people that invite their friends like not for the sake of like so they can make it their party u know, like so all their friends are included. sigh so confusing... well. like its so hard to say but like i guess they can throw another party!!!i'll gladly help them out...
i really don'[t know, my friend always has this policy "would they do the same for me too?" and u wonder... erally wonder, like "where is the love?" like ya thats what God and all is about, love. and we should show love to everyone regardless of what he does to u and all.. like love ur enemy... loev ur neighbour etc.
hope i didn't offend anyone...
comments PEOPLE...
me don't understand... why can't people be more simple minded. why can't they be moreopen, moer loving, less gossipy, less etc. etc. etc...
u know, u just wish....
but i restate ... its a " non - exclusive "
christmas partY!!!

star search!

golly!!!!!!
haha i just turned to ch8 to catch
and who i first see!

XIANGYUN! my all time fav chinese actress
haha then ohhh ZOE TAY AND CHRISTY CHUNG doing e announcing!!
haha zoe tay really can say e best and coolest chinese celeb we have.
then christy chung is like one of the most nautrally beautiful actresses around (chinese ones)
then oh MICHELLE CHIA!!!
haha.. super pretty la... and forever so sweet looking

looking fwd to e next few,
i want to see priscilla chan cos she's so pretty
i want to see felicia chin cos i think she looks really like a nice person
i want to see xie shaoguang cos he my fav guy actor
i want to see kym ng cos she's forever so bubbly
i want to see mark lee and patricia mok cos they really the funniest people haha

ahhh
it ended
like before i even typed finish....

oh well.. wonder where everyone suddenly went.

today

today was today... it was kinda funny, cos i wasn't my usual self....
though i was my happy self!
but oh well, its weird like everybody seemed kinda unhappy to me cos i was so happy and everything looked so bright
oh well, really need to cut down on spending, just spent a bomb again today.... but its okay , all for good causes...
anyway in e morning went to airport... think it was really sweet though i'm not exactly close to any particular one of them but it was nice sending them off... one day i shall go for a mission trip too....
went back to church.... had a gd time.... treated my kids to gourmet plus...
haha they really enjoyed it,. they want me to teach them next yr, looking forward to it, though i doubt i can keep the commitment level
but its heartening to know they want me over other teachers
haah so flattering, i just hope i teach them right.
YAG was great, worship was great. like haha though none of them standing on stage sang , so the people ended up hearing my voice....starting to appreciate my voice though i know i'm not a gd singer.. but i try haha and i enjoy it =) but i loved the songs, and janis cried cos of the farewell stuff we did.... sigh looks like 'm going her wedding dinner.. must dress up again...and really, one of the best girls i ever know.... if she were younger i would've liked her... but she's older by so much and on the way to getting married, sealed, and tied up with a ribbon and airflown to her pilot bf =)! ya... haha lucky guy that marries her.. she's like a gift. though a little "glam princesses-ish" but like one of God's greatest gift to the people around her.
then went caroling, which was okay, think the tenors are starting to open up... we're coming much better though we could be even better... think having ian around is a great help! he's really a leader in his own right, esp with his caroling experience.....
wish the yag people could step up more though, besides andy, the rest not really putting their experience and expertise to gd use. butttttttt........... haha no worries! it'll all work out
ya so caroling like tt..
hmmm... not gonna see dorea and sylvianne next week cos they're going for their choir comp in kl... not gonna see corrie, cho, mark chai, jamie, abigail, claire.. and most importantly janis next week. deborah said today "its not gonna be e same without them" and thats so true! hope they come back soon.. cos sure gonna miss them tonnes....
ya so came home, had a super healthy dinner, not super healthyy sorry, super hearty dinner.. lots of oily unhealthy stuff actually. like satay, oyster omelette and all
the next week and 2 weeeks later are gonna pass real fast cos there's gonna be lots of fun happening.... so looking forward to it...
some really nice people around these days, and one of whose name was in the previous post. haha..... i'm not joking, really, she's very very nice.
its gd...
i'm seeing the nice side of a lot of people.
its gd...
until they turn nasty.......
haha... then we'll see
we don't judge, we discern from right and wrong.

"God loves!"....
every single one, including u. u. u. u. and u.......

the best blog in e world

cos of this one word.

JOYCELYN


.... haha i'm pampering her.

happier note

on a happier note...
the shoes that kevin did is really really nice and i'll be wearing it to church on sunday!!!! =)
haha i like it a lot, its like personalised to what i wanted as well
so i put " all joy is darkened", from isaiah and "but the greatest of these is love" from 1 cor 13:13... =) and i really love it, haha well shan't say anything more, but its personalised so its all about me!
i like what he did w/ e colours as well ! he's superb.. haha.... and like u rarely meet people tt do these kinda things for their friends. oh well.... damn cool guy haha...
he looks really good too!
oh well ya! anyway i jsut rested the whole of today and watched tv and played comp...
like there wasn't much else to do...
my sec sch friends all go clubbing now, so like since i don't do it, there's nothing much else we can do together..
realised that e people i know outside of church are all really high-flyers
they're all smart, have leadership qualities, confident, look good, sporty, happening, charismatic, fun, some are nice.... and have good attitudes in whatever they do.
only thing is most of them are led wayward, they drink too much, go clubbing too much, and like do too many wrong things.
guess they have too much going for them. thats why!
haha then the people i know outside of church that i hang with are all those that don't look tt gd, not so leadership, not as sporty, not as happening, charismatic, well a few are, but they're e nice ones. haha and they don't drink, don't go clubbing. think its easier for me. like i can be myself and we can go watch movies instead or just hang around and chat.
oh well they are all really cool people nonetheless. and though i don't approve of what some of them do, i guess like growing up together, haha there's a certain level of understanding between us. we still respect each other for who we are, thats the most important thing.
And R-E-S-P-E-C-T is just so important!
well e world is such a comparative thing, u're better than some, but not as gd as others.
but like respect each person for who he/she is right!
naywya got some YAG gathering tonight, that shouldn't be bad
and....
my zaragoza team is winning.. currently 4th in the table... purfect....
wish i had a house super near church, then i can bring my jss kids there tmr for contact time, transport is always a problem
i really like them.... haha though they can be kinda clingy and attention seeking at times, but they're great kids.. and its just nice to see them grow up.
think there's always a need for a girl in every guys' life
thats all my army friends talk about.
yet i agree.

disappointing me.

sigh! its like i guess u know, how things are out of my hands again...
i'm not really sad by like whats happening....
i just dun like to see people leave e church i have so much heart for...
to me, every single person tt wants to leave church is such a stumbling block, that no longer can i continue to make a difference in their lives, no longer can i show them God, no longer can i help them through their walk with God.
and its SAD its so SAD. and i wonder why
i know that it was bound to happen, it just seemed like it was heading that way...
and like i couldn't interfere at all... and things were just tt way, and i tried my best, but yet it still turned out this way... after everything...
after it all...
she still wants to leave... i just pray that wherever she goes, whevere she is, she doesn't lose sight of God, and that God will continue to guide her .....
i guess, at least she remembers that, and in befriending her, i guess i did what i could, i showed her all that...
there is no mountain too big, got cannot move it, there is no problem too small, got cannot solve it.... sigh this song, a song full of hope... and what i quoted to her when she wanted to leave.... like all problems will be solved.... cos God will solve it all
if there's a mountain to be moved, God will move it...
abt that, i'll pray.
i guess like people lack compassion, lack forgiving others in this world today...
i was with my sec sch friends playing soccer, and all they could think about was clubbing and all.... and u really wonder, like even in church, so many people indulge in all that...
and i was thinking, how hypocritical it all is, and now i really realise i respect those people that do not lead that double life....
rather its those people that do that irk me more, and my friends are right.
but tts not life, thats not life for me, thats not life for others.... we make our own lives.....
just like 8 hours ago, e small deb called me and told me she was scared and she was thinking too much... and she tried calling others, but no one answered.. and i was e other number she recalled. and i answered...
yet she kept telling me how she didn't call me cos she wanted, more of cos her friends weren't there and i was like e one left. well at least she's okay.... yet u know, u wonder, like would u wanna be placed 3rd on the list? u would want to be there right. but i accept it =) some things i cannot bring to her, there are barriers. but well e poor girl is so scared, and i hope she's alright now... i hope God calms her fears.
"blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God"
ahnd gone will be all the nightmares, the thoughts...
so well, an eventful morning for me, i'm looking forward to collecting this nice pair of shoes kevin did for me =) really thank him, its a lot of effort...11am. tts soon
yet like .. it seems so much has gone by.

issues

haha there are no issues in my life
like who cares about the issues, life is going well...
like u just live and don't care, live and grow in your own way
no conforming to others, no like succumbing to what others look for in people
just be myself =)
like haha no one is perfect, but like i'm perfect to those who cherish me!
sigh don't know if saturday will go through...
its like i think claire not coming so not sure if kayaking is still on....
anyway will decide later. guess, anything be fine
kinda looking forward to tomorrow
i guess, like
there's always tommoorrow
weird.
oh well like, i better keep to myself a little more
and i wish people wouldn't like link to my site, like i want privacy...!
i don't wannt any tom, dick or harry reading this blog
i only want people ttt know me and understand me to read it, that way, )they be more patient and gracious with whatever i say here! oh well
guess thats the flaw of the internet =)
hooray for army u know, u learn a lot of things