my car

i just sent my car into the workshop...
hope its alright, no news from it yet...
wonder if its okay.. got a feeling there is a big problem which will cost quite a bit
oh well...
its important i keep my car safe.oh well it also gonna determine if i go home today or not.. as in home to the west or stay in e east....
nothing wrong with either..
anyway like today i had a really really good chat with one of my guy camp mates who decently treated me to lunch as well! =) yum, had pork spare ribs too....
haha.. really appreciate small things like that, and perhaps i feel, i'm making a good friend here....
though i din't expect it and we seem to be very different but we both seem to identify a lot with each other, or at least are willing to..
kinda a bright spark in each others' lives i think
haha.. anyway like december is here
going christmas shopping next wed with my camp friend.
=) like it makes things all cheery and all! and
i got new new shoes
really new, nicely, hand-designed shoes...
haha show on sunday!
bye!

and she made me take it off..

my cross... and i wonder why
cos my inchik ( warrant officer ) allows me to keep it, but she had to make me remove it
sigh! like haha... oh well

then i wondered, why did it bother me so much
could it be then like stripping me of e cross, was like stripping me of my faith? but that can't be it
its jsut a mere cross, symbolic yess but just yet a cross
or could it be that i wear it all the time, its like a security blanket for me? that everytime i'm in trouble, i know and feel that god is with me...
i just wonder.... haha
but really i'm not that bothered, but if i was, i guess that was what would come to mind.

anyway my car brakes are really going down hill..
like.. now its serious
the handbrake light lights up all the time...
tomorrow going to fix it.

anyway i managed to get off for my chalet! so i can go =) and take a nice break from camp
really looking forward to 19th dec =) think a lot of fun starts from there...
hope things don't mess up
like anyway... tis sat we going kayaking i think! =) tt'd be fun
just a small group of us....
i like things that way, without all the mindless chatter and brainless fun, somtimes its gd to have some quality chats.. =)
like today, had a gd chat with one of my camp mates during break, and kinda appreciate him cos well.... ya he listens to me and i know that unlike my other camp mates, he actually really tries to take in what i say, think about it, have his own insights, rather than just give me what he thinks....
like there's this camp mate of mine, who's gets on my nerves
cos i'm a serious person, i don't say a lot of crap but he just makes everything i say seem like its unserious, nonsensical, or that i'm saying it for some underhanded reason or so!.. and i usually always mean what i say, but like even after saying it, it just sounds like crap cos he turns it into some joke
oh well i don't understand him , like i don't understand alot of other people
my friend told me today, i create lots of problems for myself
but i don't think so
i think its more like i'm just troubled by so many things
haha.. but thats partly due to my faith and religion!
=) oh well!

quite concerned about my car....
hope it doesn't spoil....
its my dear dear car
and i love it so

a dying curiousity...

k this entry shall have nothing to do with e title...
perhaps just a few more thoughts.
like now i'm waiting for tai vie to drive.. note the word drive, i wondering what car he drives, so happy for him, finally! well ya... drive to my house anywya, then we go holland v and hang out with emerald, been a while since i caught up with them
it'd be good...
so many things happening, coming, hitting me fast and hard.
people are opening up to me about things, but i always wonder...why
i know i can keep e secret, but i always wonder why.. what am i to them?
like why do they tell me stuff like that
i appreciate it.... =) i'll listen
i wish i had myself as a friend really, that would listen to all my little unhappiness, my little perks in life and all...
Been reading through people's blogs lately anyway....
and it has given me a lot of thoughts
like how different people think, and how different situations are in their lives
i believe, even though this is a blog, well ur emotions and intentions can all be seen clearly in it....
really u can't hide anything...
if u're fickle it shows, if u're emotional it shows, etc. etc etc..... but its a gd outlet for anyone
but yet the way people think are different from the way people are
and i'm still really struggling to cope with that inconsistency around.
today
i slept almost e entire day, and i wonder why. am i that tired? i don't think so
perphaps i'm getting exhausted by thinking again what to do with my life...
it comes so often now that u're in army. and its something different that only strikes people when they reach a certain juncture in their life.... like u can see when that happens, when life starts to get serious for them, and well... thats maturity i guess...
nothing for me is a game anymore
u can't joke around without thinking what consequences ur jokes might bring, u can't say things without thinking whether someone might get affected... u can't do things which might stumble others...
thats what growing up is all about... perhaps u might understand certain concepts in life, but.. this is real.... esp if u really take life and all seriously.
but some people will never grow up.. and even to this day, u'll see some of them around.
i was just thinking to myself...
well
thoughts invade my head all so often, and perhaps i think too much, tt i agree
and for me, processing all these thoughts have become a challenge that stresses me out so much each time i try to deal with them...
its a gd thing i try to say i'm pretty focused on things that are important now...
and well...
things that are important to life, to others, to God.
gone are the things of e world....
as i see the spiritual realm... that can't be seen
as i perceive heaven its all its splendour.
and perhaps there's so much more to look forward to in his plan for me
esp after death...

but we live to love, and love to live.
and thats the greatest thing that God has given us.

i find myself closing up myself to people around me....

perhaps after all that happened.

i've changed yet again...

yet i know what God wants from me

and i can't change

i'll be me.
(look at my life, and i hope it'll be a testimony to his name.... i shan't hide nothing)

stop hanging out with the kids

haha stop hanging out with the kids
tts true.. i should
i need to find my contemporaries.., follow and keep track of them
that they're okay.. =)
but i think over the last period or so, they have been, which is good =)
i shall attempt to juggle and balance both well...
that i can do my role well.....
that i can build up everyone i know, in the name of the Lord, and help them to establish their faith, and build on it, and to support them all the time!
i shouldn't stop hanging out with the kids, i shall just hang out more with the YAGGIES ! but only if they want to i guess, i'm not tt thick skin and go where i'm unwanted.
haha i think i got enough time for everyone... esp my gd friends
which reminds me, i'm getting a little broke again .. must go find some money
think its cos tuition stopped, so like i lose about 200 a month
but its nice having more free time
like this week is a free week for me, last week was a busy week.
oh well i hope everything in church turns out fine... that like despite all the little things happening and all, it'll be okay. think there are a lot of small issues, esp in SSS. really, must pray and trust God that he'll make it all good in e end. that everyone went through all this for a reason.
anyway small chris is going in for an op tomorrow.. he's really a sweet guy, he said hi to me, but i didn't hear him, then he said hi again.. usually he's quiet towards me, though he takes to me and likes to sit with me.. =) so i was so happy when i heard him say tt hi.... i think really, a lot of people just look through him cos of what he's like... but to me, i think his innocence and naivety, is something so beautiful... that like really, sseeing the world through his eyes, without hate, just love... with only compassion for others. i'm proud that he's been so strong through his life so far.....
and really, i think so many should learn from him, to be happy with what God gave, to love others, to maintain that positivity for God's works and in living the life. how he has changed his dad's life, his mum's life, his sis's life and so many others....
one of God's greatest testimonies i know... yet people look through him all the time and miss him by....
i always struggle with people, but perhaps little stars like him really brighten my day.

anwyays, some people have made me really happy lately... and really. thank God for them...

mood

i know why i'm feeling a little moody today.
like i realise why, i realise that despite all the people i talked to today, i never really managed to connect with anyone...
like between everyone, they can just talk to each other about all kinda things
like really nonsense, or like about the hot girl or guy
and i feel so old next to them..
like that doesn't concern me now...
other things do.....
n there are people i really wanna just talk to and like
build up the relationship, but i just feel like there's no opportunity to, they're not interested, or some reason or the other, or i'm finding it hard to trust them cos they seem to trust others much more than they trust me...
i feel i can't hang out in a group anymore
i'm too old for all the jokes and all...
i need serious, heartwarming chats...that means something to me
i'm e little ol fogey around now, and i can't lie about my age, i am what i am...
thats in church
i feel out cos like i don't need to know whats happening around me,
btu yet u wish someone would tell u..
rather than it all happens and u get kept in the dark
not knowing, aimlessly blindly groping around
looking for the lights
like u don't care about it, but u just want to see it
its okay living in the dark, but if see the lights next door keep switching on....
u would wanna know whats there right.
and that everyone outside that actually walks by does not help u to on e switch
its a weird feeling
but oh well
i'm okay with it. =) like ya..
u know!
cos
it prob doesn't concern me much
and i don't need to interefere with other peoples business, unless its important that i do
and like besides....
i am what i am....
like yeah
when i am needed i';ll be there
haha
oh well =) thoughtsd anre more thoughts
i dun really know anymore
but i just feel like a game thats being played
and like u wish that it'll come to life a little more
that you can actually get involved.

like zathura
like jumanji

today i met someone really interesting.....

weddings

weddings are so nice, today's one was exceptional, it was so sweet
realised that i will have to sing to my girlfriend one day.. cos its so sweet
love is so sweet, it can be bitter, but it can't be salty or sour..
when its sweet, its nice....
well just thinking about today, had really meaningful conversations with june and sylvianne....
to me like friends mean so much more... esp friends that really mean someting
so many people come and many people go, and sometimes i get conned by that outward appearance, or duped by the way they treat me....
but like its e small things, that matter, the little things that show that they care...
the little love and joys that these certain people bring that means so much...
even as i ponder on the events of the day, i realise... how misled i've been by myself, by my feelings and all...
hmm.. life is long and tedious...
and things never work out e way u want them too
but with God around, miracles do happen...
plan-etary magic is all about Him, for us, his plan.
crumbs, pieces loaves....
its the small things that matter the most, that build up into little pieces, and finally they make full loaves...
what makes someone a friend, someone more than a friend, and someone an enemy....
i haven't really figured that out yet...
what is it? as i talk to so many, i think..
its not about whose company is fun and all....
i think its who i matter most to.
life lis long and tedious....
it is.. and it'll always be
but for now..
love is in the air!

to e future girl of my life
if you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?
if you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way...
if you're not mine then why does ur heart return my call.
if u're not mine, would i have the strength to stand at all?

i don't know what the future brings...


i need reciprocation one day.

kids

think kids can really see which people are really good people.

sigh its so SAD!

why do people keep talking about me
like... u know they say i like people i don't....
like if u say i like people that i do, i don't mind! but like...
what makes u think i like u?? huhhhh like wat the.....
haha u're not that great a person are u?
oh well
heresay...
mebbe its not true. but if its true.. thats e way its gonna be.
went to eat paddy fields today, its not bad .......
thai food
oh well really spiced up my life today
i trust my judgement in people, though i trust people too much...
but like.. =) i really do...
and i see things and i realise....
perhaps i was wrong all along.

weddings

timothy is getting married~ !
haha so fun, i like him, he's a litle bit like an older brother to me... although like i hardly see him, while uncle mah tat is like my uncle though he's just my dad's best man...
golly everytime i see a wedding...
oh well...
ties in with my life long goal..
get a family.
and love them
and introduce my children to god in the hope that they'll love him as much as i do.
and ya show them the beauty of knowing Him....
and be a gd testimony to the world of His love...
need someone to share that goal with me though.
who?
duno.
one day la right, one day.
u know there's so much time ahead of me..
i just realised...
getting to 20 has felt like forever, in fact so much has happened this year....
well got next yr to look forward to
i love my friends so much... really they're like family to me.
always wondered if i could live with just my friends, but i think they can't all keep me company at one time or the other
oh well
plss love God.. i begging u all, everyone.. sigh the things he hath done....
the love he has shown for me, and for everyone, and the love that flows through us all from him....
u know " where is the love? "
its in us... show it...

hai!

i don't understand people
like... haha
oh well.... whats e world coming to these days
life is such a drag..
today my friends from camp came over, just to slack
had quite a lot of fun...
yup but thats it, just fun
nothing more than tt
just fun and more fun and more fun....

oh well just had jss camp and i like e monkey uncle's dance a lot
haha its quite funny
oh well....
ya kinda funny little camp which gave me tonnes of mixed feelings..
like
i was happy yet sad
i was energetic yet tired
i felt like i made a difference, yet i felt like i didn't do nothing at all
i felt gd, yet i felt bad....
i felt it was fun, yet it was all not tt fun..
and i really don't know why.....
guess there's something missing
but well...
to look on e bright side....
guess i should look on e bright side
and look out for rainbows
i shall not think too much abt me

think other people need more care and concern...
shall show it to them
as long as they don't let me down

sigh...

sigh so many weeks have passed
and my life has been like a roller coaster...
i look at myself in e mirror and see all e flabbbbb...
so sad.. u know i can just pity myself right now...
i'm always gonna be that fat duck.
i look around at the people around me, and they all seem so happy... seem so carefree
and i realise.. that for me, my world is centered around me, so make this resolution to center it around people, to always care about others and not for myself and yet i still get hurt. disappointed. it always amazes me how things turn out exactly the opposite i wanted it too...
how i just pour out my life to people, and only to find out......
SIGH really one big sigh, i don't really know who to trust anymore. perhaps God is really my only refuge...
where is that one person for me that i can trust forever? can't i meet her one day?
think i'm actually liking someone again, but yet so jaded, like whats the point of liking anyone, it just invites gossip, like people are just gonna talk, and it never works out anyway.not for me at least... why can't i meet someone i can trust.
like how can people just put on a front for their own sake? ! like just so they can give a decent public appearance?S like what for? whats the point of me sharing everything i care about with them when they don't reciprocate it... why is it i care about them yet they care about others....
am i meant to be alone?
i find myself.. even myself tending to put on a fake kinda happiness these days. i don't fit in... i'm too serious for all of them! i feel outcasted sometime, i don't talk about the same things as them... and when i try to , i jsut seem to end up like a fool. like cos i don't think when i do. its so rare to find people theses days that care to talk about more than like gossip, other people, or like experiences that make people laugh, where are those that share their deepest darkest secrets, their life, their sadness, their joys with u? i need special people around me. i don't wanna laugh for e sake of laughing, saying things for e sake of saying things.
i know that in my life... there are few that care for me yet, i'm so happy for them.. that they care....sometimes i wish the person i want to care for me e most did, but they never do.. and i get sad.... but i realise its not about me, i should care for them, rather than they care for me. i don't think i can trust things with anyone now, like whats with all that talk about transparency to others, seems like i'm e only one practising it. and its SAD! cos i'm getting so jaded doing it. how can u get disappointed over and over again..? like everyone has their limits!
from today onwards, i shall dao every single person that has disappointed me one way or the other.... i'm sure they don't really care.
i know. its all cos i'm too transparent, people just look past me. it happens so much...
i'm not DEpressive la
anyway
i'm like way okay
like things actually rock
so many cool and fun things ahppening in my life.
like ya, get disappointed once who care sright, there are others who will make u feel better
life is all about optimism
people appreciate!
u know.
see i'm writing my blog again, shall type in my journal entries too. wanna post photos too
i miss certain people, i don't know why, and the rest, i don't have enough concern for everyone in my life, guess i just have to choose a few.
i sitll miss a lot of people
today was fun.
it was good.
i think i've become a better person.
one day someone will like this fat duck for who he is.
the world is shallow i know
but it might be another fat duck. but u know at least tt fat duck has a heart of pure gold. so fine, so beautiful.....
like beauty lies within.. =) i like u for the love u had inside u, not for ur smooth complexion, for ur good looks or like ur charisma....
haha who cares what others think

going nutz

going nutz....
just started drawing a line on a piece of paper today
and it ended like this...

it doesn't even look like anything, mebbe like some mysetrious person if u look closely.

GOLLY really...

haha but i'm okay.

starting fresh like this new page below....

oh wait .. u can't see it.

a really long post soon

ever since i started writing my journal so much has been happening, anyway i'll write a really long post soon, just keep watch here
and gd luck for those taking their exams now!!! all e best
will pray for u, every single day...