finally..!!

finally!!! i'm going to sheraton!!! haha.. its been a while since i;ve been there but memories have been fond of the food and the place!
oh well, my parents watching sex and the city in the living room now and my mum is raving about how the christian world is unlike that. that is true, christians have a whole different set of values and thought pathways.. its not right to look at things from e way they do in the show! anyway i saw who is Aidan... he is good looking in a very.. gentle yet exquisitely charming way.... oh well... so anyway, the show is really good, exceedingly funny and all, but yes! we're not gonna follow what the show says, although there are many that do. but i'm not gonna to.
hmm... oh well... its kinda funny being 20 now. looking on to 21, and realise that u're actually pretty old ... OLD OLD OLD. then again i wish i was so much older.
happily married and all... haha not gonna happen, time warp is not yet possible.
not for humans anyway.
anyway.... hmm people are all damn stressed up now.
they are all irritable, unsociable and all... i hate it.
but i shall try to understand them, and i know stress brings out the worst in everybody.
hope they get less stressed, and well cheer and lighten up a little
anyway sending the YAG manual to the printer.. duno how much is gonna cost, decided to opt for the more convenient way to do it and ask my dad to ask his secretary to handle it all for me, hope it doesn't get too ex though. cos i'm supposed to bring it down to katong shopping centre to do it up, but 1. i dun know where the shop is. 2. its all e way in e easT?!
so anyway its a while more before people start finishing their exams and all again.. then they'll be free to keep me company.
looks like i have to pray a lot this week for everybody having exams, its a whole lot of people.....!!
oh and my mum's been gossiping with her friends, she keeps asking me about all the people in church ard my age that are in relationships and all, her informer is pretty good, but she refuses to tell me who it is. which reminds me.
matt! u got 1 very important birthday present to prepare next month.
i should put my skills to use...! hmmm...
thank God that for a guy, i have a not very bad art sense, not bad handwriting and well a most importantly, the joy of making nice presents. sooooo... effort + a little bit of skill + the right materials + money + a bit of help from other people, and *PooF*! one nice present coming up.
its project time, think i'll steal an idea.

my last day of extra

my last day of extra was a wonderful one...
haha basically went to eat dinner, then after that, we just tidied up the notice board and was allowed to leave! can't believe it... but we still left at 715 nonetheless and we even offered to throw the rubbish after that cos we were so happy. Maybe it was our good attitude that we showed the last 4 days of extra...
oh well my friends have been telling me how the last post a while back was really raw, surprising, shocking and all.. but it was important. See n it shows i care about it!!! alot alot...! i care about how things are going; cos if i'm unhappy, things will not work out for me, or for my friendships as well! maybe i haven't felt that way in a very very long time, but... its kinda terrible when u see urself like getting into conflicts with someone u think very well off, that has tonnes of potential as a very good friend, is already a very very good friend, and has every likelihood of becoming one of your best friends around. i wasn't the only one getting hurt! think i hurt her along e way too. people say, "thats a very different side of u." yup i'm an expressive, outspoken, open, emotional, sensitive guy, that is really really nice if only u realise it. i'm sure some of u know that! but well... i always feel let down time and time again, till e right people actually come along, then my life gets better. the social stigmas around us... ...
anyway prayer always works. i prayed hard that night.... and things worked out.
i'm very happy i stuck to my this year's resolution really really really well... that how this year was a year of making friends and good friends at that. kinda really worked out well, now that i look back on it. well, everyone can make their choices in their lives....... some people just choose wrongly.... and there's nothing u can say about that.
well anyway there's a typhoon moving towards vietnam, pls pray for the people there, my dad is there too.. and it worries me. hope he's alright. i miss him going overseas so much.
kinda in my heck care mood once again, it always happens like this after a rainstorm kinda event. where after u care so much, u decide and think that you can stop worrying again because things are going to be alright for quite some time. i'm still concerned over a lot of things, but i can stop worrying about somethings right now. i feel happy in the world with my friends, my family, my friends' friends, with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Really God is so wonderful, so almighty, and like the bible says! cast all your cares upon him. i just pray now that all my friends will think about what God has done in my life.... maybe he can touch theirs too.
well better explain my previous post here for those that don't know what happened. basically i was kinda down lately... and like i realised that things weren't going well... that i was kinda in a phase where... i kept telling myself, don't bother urself with them. 1. they not worth it, when have you ever let them down? have they ever let u down? and some people kept rubbing it in.... by making me feel worth it, by making me feel like i was important in their lives.... thats what kept running through my head.... about cherishing the gd people and treasuring the nice ones..., and how u must learn to let go, and sometimes people are just not nice to you! that point must have come up like over 20 times in the last few days. and i was just a few inches away from that, when this single opportunity came, it threw up the entire question up in my face. do u really want to let this one go? do u really wanna let anything go? and to me i guess the answer was no. i'm not going to let any single one go... as long as there's something of worth, something to be treasured within them.and tt one single opportunity made me think, and think and think. and u realise there's something there worth going through all that for.
on another note, today we had this debate about poly and jc students, and it came up today that poly students look down on jc students in some way and vice versa. its not about brains, its not about what they're like (today, 8 out of 13 poly nsfs failed the polygraph test and people were saying, it shoes that jc people can lie very well, and i was telling myself thats utter crap.... i mean for my batch 10 out of 12 of us passed the polygraph. i think it was a matter of just being truthful to urself/them) so anyway this poly guy in my army camp decided to take on about 7 jc nsfs, at one shot. he was saying how this guy is going to retake his A'levels and hinting at how he won't be able to do it, and going to poly would be a better option. then u realise it was all about pride. cos he went to mention how poly people in the working world would be more welcome for any job compared to that of an A level student, and u might as well walk down that path, cos the diploma is a more cherished education certificate?!!! oh well... nothing to say to him. besides maybe how he shouldn't just compare to people just because they haven't done well in something they chose to do, as opposed to what he did. why not compare to others? why not give others a 2nd chance to prove himself? after all this poly guy has definitely not proved himself to be capable in any single way in my army camp... after all he doesn't even admit to mistakes he has done...( mistakes everyone knows he did). to think my army people can be so childish and look down on others... for that i look down on him.... after all, words account for nothing. still wish him e best. and perhaps if he's becomes a distinguished, successful leader... i will say... "i'm happy for u! " at least now his words have backing.

pay it forward...=) God's e guy at the top.. e very very top.  

liv tyler... .... so damn pretty.  

charlize 2!!!!  

my church, adrian's wedding, e guy that i thank God for, e best teacher u'll ever have 

milka chocs...! really much better than cadbury, one of e best bar chocs around  

emotional days.

hmm.. what an overwhelming emotional burst.....
oh well... maybe too many things has been kept within me for too long.
i know i'm emotional....
well.... nothing wrong with that.
hmmm..... yes matt is right in what he did and felt. it is and was better this way.
matt was also a bit harsh and all, but thats cos matt is disturbed by the world,
disturbed by.....
damn a lot

Dearest Amelia.

Dearest Amelia,
you've caused me an entire sleepless night. its 2.49am now and i'm sure by the time i've finished this entry it'd be 3++am... and still i won't be able to sleep. After all my entries about friendships and all, i guess it had to happen to me, where friendships are broken and perhaps lost. I don't blame you one bit, perhaps i blame myself. its kinda funny that i really miss you and being your friend so much right now. But i guess you decided to move on before i did.
I guess it all started from that one wrong message you sent me the other time. And i guess i was in the wrong nonetheless, and i hope i really reconciled that. i know you got annoyed at me then, and well, i hope that maybe those presents would have cooled things down. It kinda did i guess... We never continued friday night dinners since then and even when we met in church, we wouldn't really say hi to each other. I know perhaps i'm a guy and i should say hi first. But i didn't cos i felt you were just being just as aloof and well... why make the first move when u're not willing to? but thats wrong thinking of my part, and i hope when i called u to chat, and explain things, things would work out. I guessed it did...
-censored-
I did want to work it out earlier. IT burdened me so much. Everyday, it would be the lowest point in my day.... just the thoughts... just the thoughts. I think too much i know, i do have my flaws i know.... but God still loves me, my friends still love me. Even when others find fault with me.... I tell Shu about it, and she tells u how i tried to prove a point about u not caring much. When deep down all i wanted was for you to care, and imagine when i realise u didn't care much at all...I wanna be cherished, like any other person on this globe. The children in Africa wanna be cherished, the PRCs wanna be cherished, even more so by their friends and family. I've told you so much.... about my past experiences, about everything that happens to me. but yet i guess it was unreciprocated. I talked to u with the aim of sharing my life with you, that perhaps u'll understand me better, that things will build, with God, a strong foundation. Yet this foundation has chosen to crumble... at this point in time. I can't keep building castles in the air. Elsewhere, there are friends building the foundations with me, constructing the building with me.... I;m never going to let a friendship grow stagnant. IT just doesn't happen that way. You grow with God, u grow with ur friends as well...
Ask yourself this question, do you accept all my flaws, or do you get annoyed by it, from e bottom of your heart. how much do i matter to you, where do i stand? Make me feel that way. sigh... i just wanna sigh right now. Can't you understand what u made me feel is that i've to say hi, i have to keep persistently asking you out till you have this 1/2hour slot right for me when i'm at work and i've to take leave so i can meet u for 1/2 hour. Can u understand thats what i feel.. Can u understand i never had the chance to ask u out one week in advance cos u're so busy, and i am so free and for me its like picking a lottery ticket to find ur free day. where the hope of winning just puts u down already? can u understand now why i choose to take a choice out of 7 rather than a choice out of 365 days? Remember the times we set our friday dinners...... it just disintegrated like that. Sigh. i don't know what to say. I just know that i'll be sad, i know that everyone is on your side at this moment. and i AM all alone out here.... Perhaps u dun understand that. In church. i got hardly anyone that really bothers about me besides emerald, and i guess u, but like that has all changed right now. And really, whats the point of me going to YAG, whats the point of me going to class when........
people all are more concerned about janis leaving the class.......people more concerned about meeting others. people more concerned about other people. Where does that leave me?
Who's concerned about me? Are u concerned about me like i am about u?
-censored-
i thought u did, but... i'm not so sure now. i'm full of uncertainty right now. Do you know why now i always want to move on? Do you know now why i refuse to be so nice all the time? I wanna be nice, really i do. Do you think i really went to say hi to u all just to know a little more pretty girls? do u think i beg u all to come for events last time so that you can keep me company? And when u all finally came, where did u leave me? behind? I've mentioned it to u so many times, and i really don't know if u remember things i tell u. i've always told u how u all Never wanted to get to know the YAG people and that they were all dao, and i always persuaded all of u to get to know them, but yet u left be behind once it happened. u've got new clothes to wear and u dumped ur old ones. You know now why i wanna help shuhui out with her stats? cos she hasn't forgotton..about me at least.
I've never said a single bad things about u to anyone and i can promise u that. you can ask around and i always think u've been e nicest girl in e class, e ones that would make e best friend, the one that doesn't forget, the one ... thats the most spirituarlly mature, e one that encourages me the most. i've told u, u're the most beautiful girl in e class on e inside... and thats what matters so much to me. to God, to others. I do sincerely still want to save this friendship. but with this major stumbling block in e way, and perhaps maybe u might say my expectations are that high, my friends have been able to meet that expectations, and i know u can too.... even if u don't i'll still have that same heart for u. now.. how about u..?
hope u really realise that its not about me wanting to ask u to cancel ur things to go out with me. its not about u forsaking ur work and ur other friends to pacify me... its just e heart for me...? is it there? do u care enough when i'm feeling down. well, u never even really say hi to me... u can compare me to others, u can compare me to nick, u can say so many different things about me. but.... i'm not just looking for company for that simple dinner, i'm looking to build on things with u as a friend. and i really hope u understand that, friendships have to grow. relationships have to grow....
Have i told you about my friends.. from RI?how i've lost most of them just because of a single friend. When you realise that perhaps really no one is on ur side. no one there to support u, no one there at all.... i'm never one for the masses, i do not manage to keep all my friends here by my side, i do not manage to turn acquaintances into friends very often. my friendship with all my friends was changed because of what one influential, charismatic guy said to them of me. and i'm so disappointed with them that really, our friendship didn't count for nothing, didn't count at how they looked at things, didn't count at like when he tried to injure me again, and they all were on his side? and perhaps when u and whoever else gets annoyed at me... i always ask, does our friendship count for anything? Why do u think i gave u those things e other time, because friendship counted for so much... and i wasn't prepared to lose it, but what did u return to me? black faces, not one hi..... did friendship count for anything? rather think abt what u did for me... did u help in anyway in trying to salvage and save that friendship we had? we had... we had.... i get sad everytime i say it, do u realise how sad i am at being at this stage in things now, and having that thing gone by.. do u understand?
I always am very harsh on myself, i bring it upon myself that things don't work out, that its my fault like i did something stupid. but my other friends do cherish me... they do believe in me..... and are my expectations in a friend that high? that u don't fit in? what do i want out of it...? are u not willing to give me it? i alwahys thought it was my fault... but why is it i have friends that think i'm perfect to them, that think so much of me? why is it that my friend thanks me for just sending him lifts home everyday...and thanks me so much like i'm "indispensible" don't i do the same sometimes for others? i don't even think i'm doing much by sending him home because he's on my way.......SIGH...
do u cherish me? do u...? i do cherish u, u're someone that means so much.... my light in darkness, my friend, my confidante, my listener, my advisor, my calmer of storms.... and much more, and thats how much i cherish u..... but where am i? who am i..? to you...
i guess i'm so sad... and well i've always asked God, should i move on, should i move on? everyday i see u its like that? God should i just ask if they need a lift so maybe..... should i just try to say hi, should i just try to show u deborah's present? or should i move on, and yet always i always glance back at the opportunity.... u tell me, should i move on? should i leave it and just walk away and never glance back? cos i wanna glance back, but each time i glance back, its to get a poke in e eye, or not see nothing at all.... right now, i do wanna move on... but yet, there always is that one last glance back for u.
-matt...
its 3:56am now... and maybe, sleeping is such a good idea after all.
-lonely, i'm so lonely...-
*somewhere out there......life's really waiting for me to get there, and perhaps its time i dropped all my luggage, and just go running into the distance.. searching, looking for my paradise"

"this message has been censored so as not to let me destroy too many relationships with others. some things have been removed after some people have read it"

1.43am

its 1.43am i wake up...
i don't know why.
and i don't feel that happy. like....
i don't know
things really suck matt.
its my fault again,
i'm an over sensitive, freaking high expectations DOLT.
dork. whatever.
i'm sad not angry, cos i dun get angry.
matt its 2am, maybe u move on... maybe u get to 3am and things get better
maybe its time to leave 1.43am behind....

Realisations.

Realisations...
I've realised a lot this year.
I've realised my need for guy friends much more than ever. i mean, my good friends are mostly girls, but thats cos girls are sweeter, we do not get jealous of each other, no egos, and all....
oh well, but at the end of the day, i am still waiting for e one.. the long term one in my life....
well been just going through some stuff and like well i realise that there are seriously good guy friends out there for me. Like i know i've been hurt by what Daniel did to me but... well let bygones be bygones, and well guys can forgive and forget. Doesn't help that most of my friends chose to follow him, ouch* that hurts even more.
Really once bitten twice shy, and well tts why i'm very hesistant with guy friends these days, haven't exactly been nice to them, perhaps its time i let go, and today while talking to shuhui, ya i realise how i really would like to have my guy friends back....
it also helps to see how i can see 2 very good friendships developing in camp. Tim and Woo. Really sorry to woo that i couldn't join him today for Rice table though, promised shu i'll teach her stats today; and it kinda dragged, cos we met late anyway. ate at borders bistro and there was this waitress trainee there who reminded me a lot of some bubbly actress/singer. And i realised that i really like girls like that. E cool, calm, funky girl does not suit me at all. i am a very homely person, one that thinks and dreams, and i totally believe in God. Trying to be more of a leader now, i do have my problems but trying to be a leader to my friends in terms of christianity. It fulfills me.
Today bought a really nice present for Deborah's birthday, from my cuz' shop and my aunt was asking if she was a casual friend or special friend. and she was saying how i shouldn't spend so much but i chose to anyway, and i realise that like ya its what i enjoy doing, cos i love my friends so much and i realise how many people really want me to be their friends. its so few. so i should treasure those that really do. thinking of opening my blog to more people... its kinda secret but... ya maybe there are more friends out there for me. Claire helping me wuith the present cos i got no faith in my art skills, but it'll be really sweet, hope she likes it a lot.
So anyway Tim is gonna read this blog really soon... really glad friendship has really blossomed. I really didn't expect to meet guy friends that are so great. But Tim, u really think too much of me... And well, the lunches are great, really love them. Sometimes i feel bad getting all the treats as well...i'm always busy.... cos i'm caught up with church, sometimes with particular girls and other friends and groups of friends. and i always feel so bad turning people down, not being able to make it for lunches and all that. well...
just wish i had more guy friends in church though. iknow there are guys like nick, jon, blue van, etc.. but they just aren't guys that care enough about me. i dun trust them that much, maybe blue van..... and jon cho... but i just wish i had guy friends in church that were a little more special, trustable.
Another thing, i realised that i really demand and want a lot of compassion, attention and things from my friend. i expect them to be always there when i want them to be, i want them to listen to all my problems and all.... and i was thinking, what if i don't listen, don't give them enough compassion and attention like i want... then aren't i just as bad a friend as i would judge others?!
i shouldn't judge others, its one of the hardest things to do in life.
so anyway realise i haven't had pictures lately so here is one.
charlize... theron, while every other guy is going on about jessica alba. here's my dream girl.

oh in between photos just liek to say to like sylvia, shuhui, tim and others that thank me for stuff.. i really wish u wouldn't thank me, because i enjoy doing all that, i enjoy u talking to me, i enjoy listening to u, i enjoy all that.... i enjoy talking to u too! just so happy that there are people there that i mean so much to and people out there that mean so much to me. truly like "one in a million".. well... anyway i was just joking abt my social life being tt gd, truly its not, i realise more inherent problems in my life now that ever before. i guess i've seen another perspective of a lot of things. think i'm a little insecure but i'm not gonna admit it. i'm quite confident too. both at the same time. cocky yet insecure. wonder what people think about that. anyway i must learn to let go. i've always struggleed with that.

so anyway next photo, in army i learnt a few simple tricks in photoshop which really make people look stupid. decided to work on myself haha...

i telling u i look damn FREAKY here. it scares mee.. there's a big nose one but i can't load it plus i look damn ugly and stupid inside so i decided not to. haha.

so last of all would be my recap for today. after all e extras i had.... it was time to rest. had a lot o f fun the previous day at weijie's birthday dinner.. really just feels good that i was part of it cos he's a really good person. yeah well today so i woke up just to eat then slept again waiting to go orchard to meet shu, to teach her stats and shop for the present. so after searching e entire taka and wisma realised i had nothign to buy from there, decided to go to my cuz shop to get something from there, at the same time help their business out. ya met shu and we went to borders bistro and they have mahjong paper tablecloth!! haha gusse what we did, we scribbled all over the paper and like used it for stats... haha i think the waitresses and waiters were really amused! we stayed there for hours. really impressed by shuhui's focus.. she's much more focused on work than i ever was in jc. but i guess i'm pretty focusesd as well. she works hard and well she doesn't get complacent like i do about my studies. i'm sure she will do well, and will try my best so she does well in stats. oh well.. anyway e entire table was scribbled with AIDAN. haha sex and the city. guess he must be really cute, must go check him out one day. alll the dream guys and girls. haha and well kinda talked about my 21st! she's gonna be my birthday planner which is cool, thought of a really neat idea for it..! so ya, was supposed to meet woo and reynard but the thing with reynard got cancelled cos the other cousln't make it and woo's one i couldn't go cos i was busy teaching stats. Really sorry to both but i'm sure they understand that i had that appointment first... yup so that ended the night and i came home to watch Man Utd lose to blackburn. upset of the season so far. which reminds me all that competitive stuff... people should be less competitive. wondering what everyone else is doing now.

waiting for more money. kinda short of it lately.

my wish list.

1. my wife-to-be

2. ORD

3. birthday

4. dear friends

5. my dad to return from overseas, really going overseas too much.

(no particular order)

haha.

haha. i can just laugh at myself, at the joke i am!
sometimes i say too much stuff without thinking, but anyway
its nice to know i've met a really good guy friend that treasures me...
shall let him read my blog, i'm so unserious lately, i guess its a facade of mine. to be unserious,
to hide stuff that i dun want others to see...
oh well.... hoping to meet more and more new people anyway
like i have made a few really good friends lately, but so many have not become my friends
guess this is a bumper year in getting friends. i think up to date i have about 12 people i call worthy friends. oh well my birthday next year!!! cannot wait. 21st very special. gonna have a good time.
my friend said something, why he decided not to treat some of the other people we both know . "i don't think they wil actually do something or treat me so why should i treat them?" well i agree with him so much, so fed up of stuck up people.... or like aloof people.
well today for extra, my inchik took out a screw from the toilet, threw it into the toilet bowl and asked us to pick it up. ultimately degrading but i still did it. how nice people are.
so many screwed up people in the world. think like mebbe 70% of the world is messed up in some way or the other. realise for every 10 people i know, 2 get along with me. doesn't say much about my eq.
oh well thinking of dear deb's god sis present. wnana make a really nice one. glad eveyrone's exams is over. gd luck o everyone for their major exams...
oh well kinda stifled by my thoughts now. think i'm living in my own world right now., which isn't too good. feel like i don't know whats happening around me anymore.
not that i care.. well i remember being like that in jc and it really doesn't please me.. but well what to do
maybe i should look for greener pastures.
men are fickle creatures.
but God will forgive me for that...
decisions decisions decisions.
i'm disappointed.
with so many things,.

God still loves me.
the only thing i can cling on to?
maybe.

guys n girls

guys and girls, my social life is MAXXING out right now
having tonnes of fun, realising i dunned people that dun really bother tt much about me. when i have those that do!! i've heard many problems in e last week, and i'm glad i'm a part of my friend's life.... there's been nothing more special in my life that sharing my life and others sharing their lives with me.
to you woo, thanks for sharing w/ me that secret, u know waht i mean i say its a secret so that it remains anonymous to what it is. to tim, thanks for treating me to dinner.. really appreciate it, and well i'll repay it back to u all one day. its nice to be a part of your life. to Goose, haha i know u never forget me but that one "who are u" TSK TSK!! to michelle!! u're WAY COOL!! i really think u're damn damn damn damn damn e best haha .. never had tt much fun talking online to anyone. i promise i'll meet the deadline and u'll see a nice photoshoped image haha.... i love ur fringe! pity most of these people dun read my blog....or even to joce, thanks for being concerned and taking initiative to ask how i am and offer prayers. really encouraging..... to emmy too who is always there for me when i need her =) to amelia who is my confidante in almost eveyrthing tt has to do with church, to deborah! happy birthday on tuesday, sso sad u not around on ur bday but... well =) really miss u, friends forever ya... .. and ya sylvia =) my dearest friend that i'll forever be around for, and that'll be forever there for me too. reynard, guess where's our gang right-encouraged to see u being more involved spiritually! and well harry, guess our friendship has finally matured after so long.
so anyway was just going through a few new things in my mind. going through each and every single person that iknow in my life... and well =) i guess... some people are just going to be more special than others. happens to every single person. people always tell me : " like its their loss..."
i wish i could say that, but still deep down perhaps its my loss as well. that if your world could be filled with just people that loved u for who u are....
anyway being sad is okay, everyone gets sad. its something if u don;t. i'm sad. i'm sadly optimistic.... look to the bright light at the end of e tunnel, it really brightens up my day.
i guess i lost a lot of friends before, but i'll never forget what they did for me as well. like dave, guess we really drifted..... i don't know why, just hope u dun turn too much to the "dark side.." , to dan too, pls become nicer.
besides my friends i guess there is life to talk about. i know how everyone gets depressed by army. its no joke just booking in every sunday.. i never enjoyed it, i guess when i went in to bmt, for me it was a step of new faith, like going in afresh, with a clean slate and how beautifully it has worked out. people know me for who i am, for themselves and well =) i know them inside out... army is all about bonding, in nature... spiritually, emotionally.... i guess after that its unit life, anmd i feel dragged down by the politics of people in my unit right now. Its so easy to tread wrongly, so easy to make the wrong step. i guess tts what happened to me... but well
pretty pleased with my attitude towards all of it..... "don't say anything bad", try to look at all of it positively, its okay if my superior punishes me, makes me clean the rat's hideout, makes me clean e entire unit, okay if he nit picks and does not want a speck of dust around. i'll just do it. i guess i do have paticen, i do have tolerance.. but i guess i'll need more.
been dealing much more in the religion debate as well.. i'm really glad to know that everytime i question my friend's religions and faith, it really ends up in something positive, then even if they do not come to know God more, i'm just kinda glad their faith in their God has increased. even like today as i went to the "little sisters of the poor" i realised i just keep wanting to ask the old folks if they prayed and encourage them to pray more... i know they're catholic, but i guess i just want people to have a God to cling to. just like i do. no matter how sad, no matter how bad life gets, there is God, there is Jesus for me. and it has given me endless unsurmountable strength and courage to carry on....
just pray for all my friends, tis is a period where everyone needs prayer... i realise including me, and just being part of this huge circle among my friends praying for each other. I'm sure many of us don't know we're praying for each other and even if we do, its working, and in spirit and in heart we're building each other up.
Anyway, kinda wondering about myself now. Whether i should continue as a CGL next year. in a way i don't feel i'm doing tt good a job, i'm being embroiled in my own emotions and feelins and getting affected by social stigmas. I always wondered what my cg people need from me, and i realise its nothing, they all have their own strengths, their own way of thiking now. and in a way i feel the same way as my sis. we simply cannot be leaders bcos of age, and of the way people think. what else can i provide to my classs? encouragement. basically all i can be is their friend, and perhaps i don't even think i'm that right now. guess zhong zheng and shuhui are really encouraging because i see them growing so much spiritually.... =) and i feel that at least in a way i'm playing a part, in their search for God. I'll still have to make a decision at the end of the year. and well... Pray first, Think next, Decide later.
Thirdly, i must try to strengthen the bonds we have in my army camp before we leave. i really do not want to lose these close friends i have made in army. really they are like my fingers. so close and a part of me already, and well =) we have shared so much,, all our problems, our insecurities.... i miss them alread just sitting her in fornt of my comp.....
Fourthly, uni...do i really wanna go there so much? what course do i wanna take? this baffles me, am i really cut out for environmental engineering? where should i go to? maybe i can give up everything for God. do his work.....
I guess next, i have to think about....status.... how people stand in society. and this has been a taling point in society.... the rich vs the poor, the gd looking vs the ugly, tall vs the short, etc.. the list just goes on. once again it boils down to the qn of "why is the world unfair? " the answer is of cos, if much is given to u, much is expected of u... can u live up to it... ? look long term, all the tressures waiting in heaven.

excerpts froma song i'm hoooked on...
Understand the things I say
Don’t turn away from me
Cause I spent half my life out there
You wouldn’t disagree
D’you see me, d’you see
Do you like me, do you like me standing there
D’you notice, d’you know
Do you see me, do you see me
Does anyone care

Unhappiness, where’s when I was young
And we didn’t give a damn’cause we were raised
To see life as a fun and take it if we can
My mother, my mother she hold me
Did she hold me, when I was out there
My father, my father, he liked me
Ol he liked me, does anyone care

Well.. i guess i have to end off with a recap of what i've been doing in the last week.
Guess most of the days i've been doing my extras finish. Watching my superior or inchik as we call him just display his saddistic nature. The look in his eyes that show him enjoying punishing us... monday 8pm.... tuesday 8:30pm, wednesday 8:00pm... thursday was e only break.. thats when we went to little sisters of the poor to help e elderly. 6:30pm anyway. tuesyda was terible cos we lost some classified info and well we could go to jail 7years for that so we spent the entire night searching for it, and found it in e end.... guess the night ahs been short and the days long. it isn't nice when u have to dig into the rat's hideout with ur hands and try to clean the place. guess this week has given me a lot of time to myself. to my friends that really care about me.
it really encouraged me last saturday when i called my friend last minute out all e way to orchard and he came, and when the SSS people didn't forget me and was so willing to make plans for parties and all after their exams end.. =) guess i can't thank God for anything else more.. i'm feeling blessed. for every sad thing in my life, perhaps there is a happy thing as well.
sometimes though i wish for things but i never get it, simple things...
i don't see and understand all, and perhaps those mysteries out there... are needless for me to know .
1 phrase that appeared to me a lot during the week
1. " i wanna go home"

5 extra?

first time get punished, punished until so bad, get 5 extras....
what can i say?
i guess..... liddat la, sometimes life unfair
like how a lot of things we all finish last and like WHY?
guess it be a gd 5 days of like not doing anything else and just concentrate hard on working.
like its not really a pleasant job... not the job i've been given to do extra anyway
oh well i think its gd i have something to break up my usual schedule.
like heck, jsut show gd attitude and get it over and done with and like they can slam me with another 5 and i'll just do it again. who cares really?! what do i lose out of it?
just shows them how mean they are.

kinda in trouble

not too gd day today..
kinda in trouble in camp...
cos i know all the passwords, and i used to be in training wing.
so what happened was that my friend who is undergoing some on the job training wanted some reference from my/another person's old works which was stored inside the network which i knew the password for.
so i opened the network and let him take out the references, well usually the old works of other people are always avaliable to those doing on the job training, but cos they changed the venue, so they haven't uploaded it yet. sigh ya so.. oh well!
Right after my friend transferred the data to his computer, these 2 warrant officers immediately called him down, and asked him why he transferred it for.. and then they going on about how its unauthorised data, and how he had the intention to copy.. oh well?! sigh.. anyway ya i kinda got embroiled in it cos i gave him the access to all the stuff. but well i tink its kinda unfair.....
its really such a small thing they made blown up so big.....
kinda heard i'll get into trouble too, which makes me kinda worried, my army camp mates say protect ur own ass first but its kinda bad to do that, so i'm trying to get both of us out of trouble by working through the ambigous points.... a lot of things are not concrete so i hope things can work out.. think they also just wanna punish him only... cos he has quite a notorious reputation.. but well one for all all for one right, just hoping, can only wait.

hmm ohhh

oh well i got 1 hour to finish this entry
so well whats happening todya? i'm staying at home, waiting for my army friends to all come online before we start to play some comp game together. haha like we don't play enough in camp, tomorrow we can play e entire day, though i've got tonnes of work to finish so better juggle my time well.
hmm wonder whats happening w/ everyone, jon chan must be preparing to go to army, amelia is in her west house, sharon is at zouk, shuhui duno where, nick duno where, sylvia must be with her bf, deborah is slacking at home, claire must be studying, joel and reynard probably in camp still, dave prob playing wow, tim probably listening to soundtracks, haha and the list goes on...
oh well here's a photo of the comex girl haha, think she's really pretty...
some people dun believe me though! haha all those ego people tt look down on me... some people do!! haha but they seem a bit envious. but oh well... only wenqing can vouch for me cos he was athere and he was the one that noticed it anyway. really made my day haha.

she's on the right, haha my friend n me searched the internet to find her. think her name is clarisse.

hmm anyway i should upload more photos now to spice up my blog, think its getting boring. so i shall show photos and write a little about them! by the way i got a webcam now!! so any of u got webcams! haha webcam with me?! it'd be really fun! !

so anywya here's a really nice pic of my car which i really like.. haha my car been giving me toones of trouble lately, like not starting and all but i really grown to love it, lots of sentimental value here... =)

this are the people from my army camp! they're all older than me and realise how i'm the youngest there, there are some girls but haha the guys are the ones tt really rock so from left thats FISH (leow), then there's RSM inchik yeo, RABBIT! (allan ), Badger (jon), Eric! (my fav, he's super nice but he's buddhist... like what janis said about the nicest people not necesaarily being christian. and horseshit ! (staff ong) haha what a great bunch that was at my house but pity i got shifted back to my old branch, i was the only nsf there and really doted on. and jon the badger was actually my mum's old student and he was looking for my mum to thank her cos he thinks she really saved him in terms of his education.! and its so funny cos he came to my house and then he saw my family photo and he went ... oh my gosh.. is that ur mum? she's the teacher i've been looking for for so many years, over 10 years... so on w/ more photos anyway.

haha my old yag cg, haha so much fun, we all look pretty stupid there though haha . just look at janis.... !

haha for the guys that read my blog, these are the hottest girls from rj all found in one photo. more or less, kinda missed a few, but enjoy!

the guys from my jc class, haha oh wellz.. nothing much, not very close to them, but would like to point out tim yang, on e left in the white shirt, he jsut won some writing competition.. saw him on newspaper haha... quite a nice guy...oh and harry the 3rd guy in the front row from the right who's quite shuai and a gd friend, but damn nonssense and so bastard! he's the one that told a girl, "hey i think u're really cute, (Then she blushed) then he said " nono i'm just joking, u're so ugly" then everyone broke out in laughter !!! who else can do that?

haha my pri 5 class!! haha really bubbly but really quite a handful as well! k few more shots to go, wanted to put my new yag cg here too but i know haha they wouldn't really like me to show their photos here....

oh i added captions to this photohaha but its damn nonsense and damn lame! oh well embarass myself nvm haha

oh my nsf batch!! haha some very very gd friends here but oh well =) they all the people i spent the last 2 yrs with...... not gonna mention their names for particular reasons. haha

a giant collage i made thats actually up in my room... itsquite a big one but i scaled it down to put it here. for all my memories i had in my unit.. =) NS... well i guess its' been a new experience. don't have any more time to put up any photos but hope u enjoy those already here.

going to army...

going to army.......
its never fun going to army, jon chan is going to army.
haha, think if he doesn't find it bad during the first few weeks, he's gonna cope with army fine.
oh well just bought army daze for friends. hmmm haha its really quite a gd depiction of what army life is like.... anyway, hmmm...
besides that guess nothing much happening besides e fact i'm really kinda broke.
dun wanna dabble too much in too many activities.
still feel a bit lost though, like caught in between not knowing what to do
still wondering still wondering about so much thingS!
but for now, i'm looking forward to end of year, trying to make things exciting .....
my friends all went bali, thats like some hotspot lately.
mebbe i should go on a trip too!
anyway oh well.. think eveyrone quite stressed by their uni life so i guess i hope they cheer up...
studying matthew in church these days which stresses so much on evangelism and the importance of it, i kinda grew into that ministry after alpha, think yeah... really grown a lot from that. trying to find some gd role models to follow in church, can think of uncle soon boon. really such a down to earth guy with such simple mindsets.... really amazing, wish i could be something like that, its okay to let ur feelings overwhelm u sometimes.
God is Great. i hope everyone realises it.

comex

haha.. this yr.
comex!
nono but in the morning first today had JID family day, its some army thing.
well found myself in the telematch team and oh well we won! but the prize was kinda bad, it was a unknown frisbee, a mini fan, a lollipop... deciding to give it to my pri 5 kids tomorrow
anyway abt my pri 5 kids they quite an interesting bunch and i shall talk about them today
erica! noisy girl that bullies boys haha though i seriously think she just likes them. daughter of my previous alpha group participant so its quite cool cos i know her entire family now.
joshua! naughty boy who's really caught up w/ bgr and he just keeps thinking and wondering if i have a gf, he even asks other teachers, soryy to disappoint him though.
lucille, this girl that just loves the net and nudging me and loves to chat and message, likes everything cute, super bubbly.....
japher! noisy noisy boy that talks an endless amount of rubbish but when he talks seriously, he's really quite a gd boy.
natalie! erica's gd friend who lives in the west like me, haha really mature for her age and really fun.... my fav girl in my class
sheng wei, this boy who very guai and sticks to his mum a lot, haha my fav pri 5 boy in my clas cos he's very personal and enjoys learning from me.
janelle... kinda closed up and seems to be quite stressed always.
oh well ya... so we went to ecp i woke up late, and my friend waited really long for me to give him a lift. ya so highlight was winning the telematch which was quite unexpected. cos our team wasn't tt great but we had cohesion though, guess that worked in our favour. but had quite a lot of fun
after that went to comex. went with my army friend, and the most interesting thing that happened was like i walked up oblivious of my surroundings, wanting to look at speakers and my friend suddenly kept tapping me, iw as wondering, whats up? haha apparently this relaly cute girl from the canon store selling canon photo printers was like looking at me, ,as my friend said "i made her turn her head" , like while she was selling the printer to another person, so i went to check, stood at some other shop and went to buy something and ya she kept glancing over haha. mebbe she thinks i look familiar, but i of course dunno her. .so my friend was going on and on and so we went another round to see what she looked like... my friend said it was very obvious she was interested, but i duno, dun believe so. buy my friend was encouraging me to get her number. haha think could have gotton it if she wasn't working. he said 50+ % chance at least of succeeding haha.. but haha dun believ ehim. oh well
then went to talk to faith a little bit..... haha really funny, was telling her what my friend was saying and her other friend that was pretty amused too hahaha
oh well e canon girl looked really good.......
but oh well! haha naother day tmr, a nice sunday =) go to church and pray.