"hmm.. is there any room in your heart left for me? "
its definitely not a question i might ask you... but what someone else might ask you.. and what will you answer to that?
is there? is there really..?
will there be a day where u're going to get tired of all my insecurities, get tired of all my inadequacies... will there be a day? will there be a day really?
do we have places in our heart left for people that really want and need us?
when should we reciprocate the love others show us? can we look at everyone and tell ourselves how good they are, how honoured we should feel to be in their company ?
questions, more questions...it never ends.


just like the question i would ask someone today... it would go like this..
"really? don't kid me" in truth i'm really flattered u said my name. heh.. really really very flattered.

its a bright sunny morning...
birds and bees outside my window...
the sun shining through the glass.... the green glass sparkles like jewels....
the water in the swimming pool, glistening like crystals....
there are few clouds, with no distinct shapes.
the sky is a bright baby blue, and the wind whistles through the trees....
ohh what a beautiful morning =)

i think the hype is over for me.
time to get on with the rest of my life....
replanning, rescheduling, re-determining the places i want to go to, and how i'm gonna get there.
today i asked someone this qn : what do u look forward most to in ur life...?
ans: being happy, staying happy
makes a lot of sense to me.... good answer!
but it doesn't answer my own question.. what am i looking forward most to, in my own life?
being happy..?
then i ask myself, what does my happiness encompass?
and the list goes on..

perhaps, i haven't really sat down and thought about it carefully enough. what do i want, and how i'm going to get there. or perhaps i've been too caught up planning for that, i never stop to smell the roses, and just see where i'm at... that i miss the many sceneries and horizons that pass me by, miss the shooting star that streaks across the sky, and i miss the very many happy memories that i should have seen...

can i go back in time now? can i go back and find my happiness?
and right now.. i should just stop. smell the roses, look up at the sky, the stars.. and live my dream that is already right beneath my feet.

hmm.. my friends talk about affinity ....
=) they talk about their affinity with me....
i ask myself...
why is it so special?
how did it come about?
and i have no answer.....

i can just look forward.

life is complicated. so am i.
today has been a long day... talking to all sorts of people...
i'm trying to be myself
haha.. finding it hard to
things change, i try to adapt.
its kind of in-built in you to always try to adapt.
but its not me!

"boulevard of broken dreams" keeps popping up on my music playlist.
-ponders- not a good sign... definitely not a good sign.
but it might be preparation for what is to come.

tmr, am meeting sylvia for lunch =)
i'm so looking forward to that... its not tt often we get to meet up, esp once she's gone to McGill for a year.

my head is spinning, my thoughts in a whirl.
if only things were simple. and i wasn't caught in the web.

i need to be free.. all the time. like a bird.

=) just be happy.

Freshies.  

Amun-Ra from CSC Camp =) captured.  

sparing a thought for my army friends.
Poh is going for an operation on his slipped disc.. i really wish him all the best and hope the operation turns out fine.

yup.. on another note.
yesterday's gathering with the fcbc folks was really heartwarming.. i really felt the camaraderie between them, really felt the friendships and the bonds, and the love they shared. and in a way, i felt it as God answering my prayers... and i have so many, i'm glad like i've waited for answers, rather than rush straight into things. now just to do the same for the rest of the questions i have..
you really do wish that dreams come true.. when you see a dream right before you, standing in all its reality, u really hope that it might just be yours... and hope is such a powerful word.
and i would always say "perhaps, perhaps..." and no decision can ever be wrong.
sometimes, i get jaded when this hope does not seem to become anything more than hope...
but hope lasts forever, just as love does....
and i can only continue to strive on.

as we set our foot out on different paths... how can we say we're not going to trip over the next pebble, or fall and slip over the next rock. how can i say i'm not going to miss a step, or turn into the wilderness... how can i say that my path might be narrow, or that it might be wide, it might be gold paved, or it might be a whole sheet of white sand.. how can i say that i'll leave no footprints, or that i'll see the sunset..
i do not know where i'm going... i do not know what presents itself before me...
everything is possible, and so they say.. dreams might come true.

really.. but the greatest of everything is love.

i have to ask myself this question everyday....

how do i know its meant to be?

i find myself debating with myself.....over this entire issue....
how do i make choices if it might be the wrong one?
how do i erase all doubt.... ? how do i know that the doubt i have might be
thoughts of true guidance...? i pray! and i hope.

hmmm... u know i'm thinking what to expect next right now..
haha..
a lot of things tt i haven't expected have happened..
well.. that just proves one thing.. i don't have magical powers!
oh well first group outing went well,
i enjoy their company so much, though sometimes without Luke, we tend to fall into bouts of silences.... hmm some people are still awfully quiet, but yet we shouldn't forget about them.
somehow, yet deep within. u have to feel a little insecure....
not just me, but i think many will feel insecure.
because some friendships are forged stronger than others... and u'll never be 1st in everyone's lives... not unless plan-etary magic works itself.
now this is where the urge to get attached comes in.. where u wanna be 1st in another person's life, and he/she in yours... what more can u ask for from a person after that happens?

golly... going into uni... that urge strengthens itself so much... its not just yourself.. but everyone around u that seems to encourage it. the glare of the public is a little too great. so there starts uni life... someone once told me, it would complete uni life.... i can't deny that..
but then... how can i convince myself to rush into things? i can't... u need to find the right one.

knowing too much is tough...
it changes everything, changes the naive, innocent way you look at everything
it gives u insight, perhaps wisdom when u decipher different things that you see and hear
knowing too little on the other hand, always gives u a feeling of curiousity..
that something is amiss, but something is also missing from the picture
so where thus lies the balace in which we should know everything..?
can we simply put down everything into what we see and feel, and ignore everything else that goes on around... within the shadows and the darkness of everything happening under the light?
people change, and we grow as we develop into the situations and instances that we come across.. experiences definitely do change us, jsut as our decisions mould our lives...
but when can we truly be right...? when can i say that...
YES... i do not regret a single decision i've made.. i do not look back at everything that have happened and know that yes.. admist all the changes, my life has turned out perfect... it is such a thin fine line. every single minute, every single day... i question the decisions i've made in my life, and whether they were right for me... and how can i say i have the faith that assures me of my future?! when i contemplate every single move i've made... i feel disappointed with myself... always and forever.. but at the end of the day.. i too know, that life has to move on.. and on to the next part of God's plan for me... i learn as i age, i grow as i experience... i mature as i live on...
when is life an open book, until u have successfully lived ur life over once, forseeing every single experience happen once before. and know exactly how its going to happen all over again. life is a struggle, we live through it, not knowing what happens next. but knowing that we can always pick ourselves up after we fall down.
i miss simpleness... but are we ever that? perhaps if we never fell.. if we never succumbed.

today... we watched cars.
it was a really happy day. i enjoyed myself.
i like the stars tonight....
it was a lonely trip home, and i wished i had company....
every single minute was a good minute, every single hour, a splendid hour, and it was a magnificent night...
we walked along the river... and we shared the night sky...
i miss it already...

when does the magic start to kick in.... or has it already started

starry...

we're a people of the Lord,
we're a holy nation..
a chosen generation....
just for you... my Lord

when i was young, i listened to the radio...
waitin’ for my favorite songs
when they played
I’d sing along
It made me smile

Those were such happy times
And not so long ago
How I wondered where they’d gone
But they’re back again
Just like a long lost friend
All the songs I loved so well

yesterday, i went to Tim's house where we played Axis And Aliies : D-Day (a board game). He has a collection of it.. well 2 so far. and shall get him more, as he builds up his settler's cafe image. Betrayal : House on the Hill is the other excellent board game he has.... but its not the games that makes it fun.. (okay i know this is lame) .. its the company (we always say this) yup.. but i guess... its not just any company but how the 4 people that were there are such excellent people in their own rights... nice. fun people.. Example. Daniel is typical nice guy... is gf, Denise, also my ex-Og mate and friend, is a super nice, super fun, super crazy girl, then there's Tim, the owner of the house who really is one of the best friends a guy could ever have. so yup the 4 of us make excellent company for each other... everyone is trustable. everyone listens, no one gets offended by another.. and i should spend more time with them... because we have lots of fun, without the booze, without the noise... and talking was more enjoyable than the game itself.

haha... i was just thinking.... someday... when we all get our houses in the same neighbourhood...
just that one big neighbourhood where everyone is friends... we'll have gatherings, pot lucks, bbqs, tea parties, star watching sessions, every day and night... i'm so waiting for that day...

my latest past-time i'm into... watching the stars...

and i got tickets to night safari. the indonesian people i'm supposed to bring not coming anymore.... shall ask some people out =)

starry, starry night..

one day...
i'd wish upon a star...
that the star i wished upon...
might fall down from the heavens, from the sky....
down right before me....
so i'd know that.....
the wish was answered.

and thats all that matters...
because it signifies all hope.

look at the stars.. and see how they shine.. for you.

its beautiful.. you're beautiful

i think me and dan has made up.. we're much nicer to each other now.. a really good thing
yup.. in a way, looking at us now, we've both moved on with our lives.. and so have many others.
its not a bad thing.. how things have moulded itself into the picture it is now...
CSC has been a wonderful experience once again...
and well my car is a little cranky today... so i'm not going for YAG camp.. and perhaps... that's really God telling me something.. that perhaps i shouldn't put myself into something if i'm half-hearted about it.. well... i hope they had a fantastic time there all the same.. the organising committee has done a fabulous job....
the same goes to the Ethelonther Camp Committee.... well... life goes on..
and my ego is back down... i could be more confident i guess. but i am who i am...

'But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light' 1 Peter 2:9

i have convinced myself... i'm just a simple guy going into uni...
with really nice people around me that i should treasure...
and i shall never forget that!
people have done so many nice things for/to me... and i'm really happy for that...
i can't thank them enough.. i can't thank God enough for all they've done.
i wish someone would message me now though. wonder what everyone is doing..

had a nice chat with Chia Joo about our lives, and how we want to see each other happy...
to us... we've discussed it many a time, about how we're gonna find the girl... in our lives... and we're really hoping each other finds a really nice girl.... its deeper than what we see on the surface, and we've both recognised that.

Come What May... =)

For every broken heart in need of mending
for every lonely child that needs befriending
For every time the innocent, will ever need defending...
thats why He Came

Thats why he Came
for all the lost and lonely
thats why he came,
for all the world, only love explains
and so that when we need him, we can call upon his name
thats why he came.

magic in the makeup

ohh... CSC camp is over
Group 6 won best group, Han quan won the best Group Member of my group.. which he totally deserves... for his leadership, his enthusiasm and all that...i envy that.

well anyway i was just thinking of how things were when i was going through the SecretPal Game.. really i never really wanted to think of anything along those lines.. but they (her councillors) just had to made me think of it.. and i'm really pondering now... and i think almost the entire club is hoping we get together. almost the entire club.. well she's nice.... and pretty in her own way, and she has her own type of spunkiness and funkiness... yeah.. a great girl.. why not, u know....? hope things turn out really well...
i just wonder.... i'm feeling very encouraged,..i don't think i might be able to cope with it all.
on another note..
i found a neighbour/schoolmate! thats rare. the last one i had was Gerald Wu but now i have one even nearer... pretty surprised.
anyway ... a toast ... to the members of Amun-Ra and my SP.
Denise (KC), Luke (AKC), James, Yaotian, EE Jay, Adrian, Lionel, Shiying, Shuhui, WenBin, Lixian, Yuet Ting, and yvonne! Han Chuan, Wei Hao, Xavier, Weijian, Ivane, Qingling, Peixian, and Janicia (really really unique name)
yup... thanks and well =) its been special... and well... its magic in the makeup..

"Magic's in the Makeup..."

i'm kinda down right now, to know that people i know in church like just club and club and club....
i can't judge them i know but....
besides...
"nothing wrong with clubbing
its what you do there"
is so true... but what do you guys do there anyway? what else is there to do there that u can't do somewhere else? need i say more?
i'm just sad that like its people i know... and sometimes i don't want to know these people, knowing thats what they're like, that perhaps life is not just about having fun... not just about themselves! not just about what i want. but that might not be what they're like in the first place, and maybe its just me getting over anxious...
and even in CSC, i see more people that live their lives out so splendidly, i'm so impressed...
that even if they're weren't christian.. they're more inspirational to me than so many other christian brothers and sisters... and i'm judging and i'm so sorry for that.
but..i don't know. i'm just disappointed.
must they fall prey to society's culture? or shouldn't we submit ourselves to His purpose.
i'm still running the race, i'm still fighting the good fight, i'm still striving on..
i wish there were many others who would join me.

its still christian living

i'm REALLY enjoying MYSELF IN UNI!!!
and i'm not even really in it yet!
EVERYTHING is soooo fun!!!
haha i think the blindfolds help.. everytime i'm blindfolded i really make a lot of noise
i think its to calm and assure myself of things....
but once the blindfolds comes off, i'm much quieter...
looks like if i ever meet a girl, i should blindfold myself and chat....
then i'll have more things to say....
i feel like going for all the camps now!
but i wont... and i can't really go for all anyway....
sigh kinda sitting here.. and hoping that i don't do naything stupid.. i've been known for that
when everything is going well, i might just mess it all up.. well.. like now
i can't afford to get carried away with all the fun, the attention from people.. i must always remember that.... life goes on.. just stay true to myself/and to my principles... stay true to the person who doensn't enjoy the attention, doesn't like to have too much crazy fun... that thinks about others more, and know that the only way, which is also the right way, is God.

God. Lord of Heaven and Earth.
Never forget what you want us to do....

never, never ever let yourself get carried away.

my apologies

i shall really not fall into my aggressive driving attitude anymore
well.. in a way army has rubbed off onto me and taught me how to do that...
but.. well aggressive driving scares everyone else thats not you...!
like this guy who grabbed this girl out of the way thinking i wasn't going to stop in time.. but well.. i roughly know how good my brakes are. but... ya.. SCAREd... felt really bad. and would like to say sorry and hope they know that i didn't mean to scare them.
i was just driving faster and more aggressively so i could quickly get my CSC camp mates back to the hall... its 2:30am! SOrry to the lady who must have been shocked.. i didn't horn because i was biding my time, letting them get off the road... but they were pretty shocked i think.
well CSC camp....
night walk was a mini fright night in the engineering buildings. haha which was really fun...
i found out who my SP was... this girl called Janicia from RJ. really quite nice, quite funny, and well... haha pleasant. her councillor group leader (they call it KC) actually introduced herself to me too!
okay now just to go and sleep without feeling guilty about the aggressive driving! no more aggresive driving matt! its not good for your car and not good for people around you!
i'm really sorry people..

CSC CAMP!

CSC Camp was REALLY fun!! haha well it hasn't ended yet.. so its STILL really Really FUN!
ya i just had to come home prepare for the wedding tomorrow because there's Fright Night/Night Walk tonight... - the highlight of the camp - so i'll be back really late......
haha so what has passed... well have met tonnes of nice people
i think Luke, Yao-Tian and James! Xavier.. the best photographer i've seen.... haha who rock! then my Group Leader.. Denise! haha also very nice, only one tt knows my dad is the dear ACS principal and i stay in the boarding school... i don't want to appear like mis-trusting of people... so well she was the one i chose to tell.... anyway. i don't think she cares anyway! then there's Lixian! the first one i met.. the more senior also yet the nicest! Yuet-Ting, who just had her birthday! happy birthday.... and Yvonne! pretty pretty Yvonne! and EE Jay. Masters 2nd Yr Bio Engineering Degree. haha.. all the nice people.. plus Wenjian who is sick in NUH... very sorry to hear about that.
but anyway they had like a lot of tiring games.. Internal and External Hunt which are like Amazing Races.. then Mysterious Journey which is a Starch-Slapping Competition with Lots of Mud, water, ICK,... and being blindfolded the entire day... aha then today there was mass games, where we had this really fun "God is watching" game.. and we had to grab the ball... and the usual water bomb FINALE! anyway its been realy fun. they're having talks now so i'm taking time out to prepare for my dear Cousin's Wedding tomorrow! i'm going to miss SENTOSA!!!!!!! SO SAD.. sigh cos got talentime. well anyway our Secret Pal Game which is conducted by SDU is just as funny also.. cos we're all blindfolded. but when we're blindfolded we have more FUN! haha. yup... so more updates when i get back to my blog ...
in the meantime! i haven't forgotton anyone....
Esp Grace who i'm praying for.. for her mission trip... Yes! i set aside time just to make sure i do pray.... because mission is more important than all the fun in the world!
ya! well.... hehe this is camp 1 and i'm so happy i joined it!
going back soon!!!!!
YAy! CSC rocks.. soon it'll be down to serious business..

everyone is special

hey... ya of course everyone is special to God...
don't nitpick my entries! -i'm offended-
i know i make mistakes when i write sometimes! i'm sorry about that!

anyway.. song of the day :

I will sing, i will sing
a song unto the lord
i will sing, i will sing,
a song unto the Lord
i will sing, i will sing,
a song unto the Lord
i will sing a song unto the lord

hallelu, hallelujah
Glory to the King
Hallelu, hallelujah
Glory to the King
Hallelu, Hallelijah,
Glory to the king
Hallelujah, Glory to the King

and Teacher's Retreat in Bintan!
it was great.. we went for a full body massage... braved choppy seas on a small little sampan....
ate durains, ate kueh, ate vege fritters, ate coconuts, ate keropok, ate mangoes and pineapples ate all kinds of food!
yuppp.. but highlight of the day was going to the church....
where we sang that simple but unique song ! and well... as i tried to understand the Sermon delivered in Bahasa Melayu (is this the right term?) ..
talked about how the Pastor went overseas to study, came back and found a hard time settling in, but he did... and well.. how we should walk in the light (Ephesians) and continue to do good in our lives... well thats where i stopped.... their church was beautiful.... yet held a really bold statement in a muslim country... anyway..
its really a refresher from what we are used to back home...
We lived on a kelong, saw tonnes of rats, crabs, litter, mud... walked around the village..
they're quite poor, yet their simple lifestyles sustain them much better than ours do.
i also met some Grace Methodist church people and Church of Singapore (Balestier) people... of which the latter made me sit in between 2 of them guys and right next to the mission leader, and we traded a little bit of our experiences... every month they go down to Bintan to the villages to do mission work. i'm impressed... how many of my own church people actually do that? SIGH... i hope its a case that i don't know, rather than don't have.
yup anyway thanks to Lucy, Guat Ha, Simon, Siewling, Sarah, Avelina, Winnie, Cecilia, Irene and Bee Choo for being such great company as we played Taboo and ate Keropok the entire night, watched the stars and marvelled at what we miss so much back here.. Simpleness.
the retreat was jampacked, not only with activities, but drama and fun! but yet everything seemed to fall into place... (thank God). E.g. Simon hurt himself getting into the sampan, Ave didn't get her full massage, We didn't manage to find durians and all at first!

But.. so many of them were single middle aged women! which was really funny, when they talked about how no one messages them, how they should be getting married and all... but we all ganged up on the married couple in the end! and had tonnes of fun ourselves.. the long-serving batch of teachers (excluding me). what a 2 days! *smiles really brightly*

But yet i miss people back home, and i missed home.... i missed Fathers day with my dad because he's overseas too

okay today's quote is "everyone is special"

Polina Seminova

someone said "she was in love" after seeing this.. i agree... stuff made of dreams

the lyrics. the meaning.

LAST DAY (the english translation)
Do we know how often a heart can break?How much sense is there in insanity?
Are feelings worth it?How many tears fit into a canal?
Will we live again?Why do we wake up?What does time heal?
I amYour seventh sense. Your double hull. Your second face
You areA wise prognosis. The hope principle. A beacon out of the night.
Some day I will find and love you.
I am one of your colors.Pick your favorite.
You can wear itYou can bleach it. I'll tell you all my PIN numbers. I'll paint your wildest dreams. I'll explain things to you. I don't understand
I amYour seventh sense. Your double hull. Your second faceYou areA wise prognosis. The hope principle. A beacon out of the night.Some day I will find and love you.
Life flows red in our veins. I'll serve it to you on a golden platter.
You rescue me from the gray valley of tears. Make all miracles come true at once
Till I don't know which end is up
I amYour seventh sense. Your double hull. Your second face. Your favorite color. Your fastest car. Your deepest dive. Your hang glider flight.
You are A good prognosis. The hope principle. A beacon out of the night.
I'll find you, and will love more than myself. I love you more than myself.Some day I will find youI'll find you or not. I love you more than myself. And I'll find youI'll find you or not

thinking yourself not as good as others

this "thinking yourself not as good as others" thought flow is really not working out.
1stly! i think too many people think too highly about themselves....
2ndly.. oh well i think my confidence is really low already.... its bordering on low-self-esteem....
so how! okayy.. maybe its time to change everything, move everything around and see how i can re-establish my ego.... thats going to be hard...
because i know that thought flow is never going to go away.. cos its a very very.. christian way of thinking, and i can't not realise that.
but anyway i've been thinking tonnes.... do u realise how the tone of my entries lately have been so much more spritely, so less cynical, less melancholic, so much more lively, so much happier...
well its been my 5th week away from YAG! notice the trend!?
i've been wondering about this a lot.. and still wondering... still praying... answers for big decisions like this don't come so fast.
anyway... well i'm going to Bintan tomorrow for my teacher's retreat. it feels nice to be a teacher. really makes u feel like you're making a difference... but i think i'm going to be really happy with my uni course, though i'm still pretty lonely in that aspect.. not knowing a single person in it....
i'm also praying about attending YAG/CCC camp... because i don't know... inside me is this feeling i shouldn't go join either of the groups. and i wonder! all through my schooling life, i've seen myself more as a person dedicated to community service, rather than fellow christians....
hmm okay well.. answers will present itself soon.
anyway well... was thinking about the different people in my life...
feels a little funny... because only a few stand out for very certain things that i remember.. or certain things that they are... the rest just fall into oblivion...
well not that i've forgotton them.. but... i just don't see anything special in them yet.... not special to me.. they're definitely special to God if they're christian and special to others around them as well. its not that i don't like them! its just how i see people.. its either special or nothing.
ya.. i'm not a "everyone is my friend" kinda person, neither am i a "hi!!!" "Bye!!" person...
anyway someone asked me if i'm closer to my friends, or closer to my family.
hmm... actually it depends.. well i'm close to both, my friends are like my family already, i envison times ahead spent with them, growing old together..
e problem is who i regard as my friend.. haha all my friends are very close. thats a gd place to start.

you know.. "i wanna grow old with you" yes the nice sweet song... well.. yes just take it out of the romantic context.
and it becomes really sweet.

heh! well... i am still thinking... my thoughts are actually really diverse now.. so many things happening.
like... thought 1. world cup. thought 2. CSC camp. thought 3. YAG thought 4. Don's Wedding (my cousin) thought 5. Tim coming back! thought 6. dave and sylvia going overseas to study =( thought 7. yy and maner coming back! thought 8. Ray and Aida coming to visit (hope i didn't spell it wrong) thought 9. Tuition!!! thought 10. JSS Board.. thought 11. Grace, Joce going for mission trip thought 12. Gerald Wu's birthday thought 13. play soccer.. play soccer... thought 14. Deb... we are close! thought 15. so many more thoughts... haha.. so random.. just so random.

this occured in 1 minute! some people think i'm smart...
i like to think of it more as confused...
u should go to RJ and see what is really smart...
-matt looks around in awe-

the good in people

sometimes... i sit here and wonder about the things i've said before
and the things i've said, i've meant.. but sometimes....

after so long... u realise how much....
the good outshines the bad,
or the bad shadows the good... and you wonder if what you said before, u still mean it as much.

and you probably don't... and u might feel cheated, or u might feel bad for what you've said...
i definitely wonder... but well.. we all have to get past our differences, and what we disagree on.. and perhaps then....
we can just see the good in people.

world cup fever.

now... world cup is actually making me bored of my blog..
i really don't feel like writing ....
"oh! Czech Republic won 3-0 over USA, and rosicky is sooo sooo good"
or like... "Cahill makes huge comeback for Australia with 2 goals in cameo appearance"
or "Korean Talismanic Striker Ahn keeps Korea hopes alive"
thats all so boring..... but its also the thing that has been keeping me occupied lately.
-besides tuition of course-
is my life losing meaning once again? i just think its a passing phase.

so anyway... life brightens up after this week.... because!
well comm service club camp is coming up, bintan is coming up! and well...
union camp is coming up and VCF camp is coming up. don't even know which one i want to go for.. just seems like there's going to be a lot more happening in my life rather than the usual monday to friday... going for tuition, watching world cup at night, staying at home to read/write/watch tv, etc.
there's a little antisocial streak in me... i don't like meeting a lot of people.. i'll feel out of place.
I didn't use to be like that... i was pretty cheery meeting new people 2 years back. well.. seems like the cycle comes every 2 years.
in sec1 and sec 2, i was one of the most quiet guys in my class.. i didn't talk much, felt kinda subdued... was surrounded by really noisy classmates, yet i didn't join in much... in sec 3 and sec4. i really opened up much more. started to meet new people.. some of which have become very good friends, starting hanging around with more people, had much more fun, became much more outspoken that i used to be. then in j1 and j2.. i got really quiet again.. i didn't mix much, besides my OG, i hardly made any friends, i felt out of place most of the time, and i didn't even feel like i had many people to talk to in class... after that.. i went to army. where i became really outspoken... i exercised my rights, i fought for welfare, i argued for nsf benefits... i tried to make friends, took a lot of initiative in asking people out, and in making things happen for me... and right now after army.. i just feel all quiet again.. perhaps i don't adapt very well, or very quickly.. perhaps i don't fit in with everyone and God has given me circumstances every 2 years to see the 2 sides of me... i don't know why.. but it follows a 2 year cycle. the same goes for life in primary school; but that'll be too long-winded to write it out. circumstance? or divine intervention?

its my kinda plan-etary magic...

if you know what i mean.

its amazing how our faith builds up.

its amazing how our faith builds up over the years...
how we're given gifts, not just by what we're born with, but through experiences as well.
i feel happy right now.. really happy =)
that my friends would actually talk to me, and ask me questions about religions, about our faith, about living life. i've always wondered if i portrayed that image of being a christian in school, in army and such...
i think i've grown much more into a christian over the last few years...
and everything seems to go so fast.
i've made many mistakes, i've spewed vulgarities, got really angry, got really malicious with words... but thats all past now, and i'm glad i'm actually growing into a nicer person.
but yet as i grow more into a christian, i become more and more of an introvert...
i become happy to be alone, happy to be away from everyone...
its so hard to strike a balance between living that christian life/and living that life with people.
oh.. how easy it is to do wrong.....
how easy it is to succumb to that one vulgarity with everyone says it
how easy it is to judge someone when people complain
how easy it is to say something bad about somebody when u're talking
how easy it is to lose control....

perhaps its so much easier being a christian alone...
just like being a monk... u meditate to find that inner peace.... only alone can you find it.

i'm happy for everyone right now.. seeing how they're really happy...
and i'm really happy for myself as well, as i enjoy more things in my life....
but... sometimes u wish, we all could have good, pure, harmless, happy fun together.
how often does tt come about?

unitedd... stay united....

i'm really very happy with a lot of things now
there seems to be so much to look forward to, and everything seems so wonderful...
seems like everything is going to work out well...
and sometimes i really wonder why this is so...
this exact thought came to me about 6 years back... and it doesn't differ at all.
why is it i'm happier outside of my youth group, than inside it?
6 years back, in SSS.... right now in YAG.
perhaps in army... i really struggled, when u seem to lose so many friends... you'll get disheartened.
but once u're back in the groove of your studies, in uni...
everything seems to return.... friends, fun, people, all the happenings.
so perhaps it goes to say that God is always there when u're at your lowest...
i guess i'm not really a pessimistic/cynical person at heart.. but perhaps life has taken its toll on me.. and as things seem to brighten up, i'm learning to look at everything with more optimism.
YAG is draining me terribly...
like they don't understand its time to let me walk my own path again, set me free from it... let me fly away...
just as with SSS, i've grown much more when i left it 6 years back...
and i've grown so much more since then.
its time to set me free, let me go! i'll just suffer inside...

sometimes, i sit here.. and just think... just wonder.. why is it that grass is always greener on the other side? why is it that the grass where i'm at never stays green...
could it be me? my personality?
or could it be the plan God has for me.. forever to be nomadic.. and move on all the time.
while leaving YAG is the route i believe i'm meant to go...
its definitely not leaving BFEC. bfec... =) there's so many wonderful sparks inside it.....
stay united as a church.... stay united...

hattrick!

today was a great day...
played soccer at my house.. so tiring...
haha.. but i scored a hat-trick! yes 3 goals! plus i had like 2 to 3 assists too!
and we played 2 games of race to 3 goals only. plus one last golden goal..
haha... i'm a not too bad futsal player. yeah.. well.. must improve on my field soccer more...
=) i'm playing too much like a playmaker....
my passing is at its peak! though i'm more of a defensive midfielder.. i defend, counter and release a through pass..
soccer rocks. u must play the game to understand it.

but whats more important is not the soccer, never the soccer...
its actually how i actually met up with justin kwek, david, harry, wilfred and guorui...
and well we had such a gd time, and i finally realised that even after so long (i usually see harry only), yup we're still close enough to share stuff and talk about stuff.. well
plus they were my buddies watching the england vs paraguay match, at david's house!
and finally i feel like i've gained back so much....
yeah i really miss all this... though i still must say no when they offer me a beer, or they want to go clubbing.. but.. well... at least david still remembers me when he organises fun stuff... that suits me! okay.. well its been so long.. and this is probably the nicest, happiest thing that happened to me ever since we lost touch and didn't really hang out together.
being friends for so long.. really.. there's something about each other that each of us understand, and something that remains there.. something special that no one else has with me.
memories, they call it?

=) 1 goal is enough, as long as it is achieved.

agree to disagree.

ouch this kinda hurts.
someone was saying how in bfec... people are so rooted to the people they know and the people they're comfortable with, they don't bother to let other people into their lives.
and i can't disagree.. not for everyone of course. but for some people...
its not a fault here. but its evident, and well sometimes u can't have the best of both worlds.
being like that might help to build stronger, more longer-lasting friendships.

when samuel gave a talk to the SSS kids on unity and said how "cliques are good"..... and its biblical
i couldn't say it more myself but... yes.. tt just personifies what they're like...
when i stepped into SSS everyweek many years ago, i remember their group as the ones that made me feel so unwelcome and caused me to leave.... and right now i ask myself the same question... and i also ask myself why they've not changed... not realised it.
and i'm beginning to think no differently right now.
my refusal to form a clique though, has really led me to feel so awkwardly and grow so downcast. i sigh. perhaps its just me... not them! i need more enlightenment on this issue...
can we agree to disagree? or should i agree?
but anyway i think he gave an incorrect example? if he wanted to establish his point.
1. Jesus and his disciples were as their relationship suggests. They were not a clique. the essence of a clique is very different. same with the other example he gave. Jesus (God) definitely does not have a clique. he has disciples that are closer to him than others; simple as that.=)
but anyway i don't agree cliques are that good... well... yeah they can become very exclusive.
well as we like to believe...
the things we've experienced have definitely shaped the way we are.
e.g. with friends, with people.

well... be yourself though, no matter what it takes.

=)

yay!! i've just finished learning how to make popiah! and my popiah is so very nice!
=) well.. just have to finish the sides like the cucumbers, the egg... and it'll be all made. oh and the garlic...
today david cam for tuition.. and auntie bee poh helped me tonnes with my popiah too, lending me her expertise at which i am very grateful for. despite all the tiny mistakes i've made! its a huge success! and well.... i wish more people were here to try it....
and i think England will win the world cup.
yes... okay tt was out of point but anyway.
its been 2 hectic days of cutting and chopping and grating. and finally i'm done =) i'm happy. and i'm a better cook with one more recipe to add to my repertoire.... next cookout... POPIAH!

i'm kinda wondering where everyone is right now...
looking forward to soccer with harry and folks! yay... i think my knee is finally okay...
how i wish i were a soccer superstar.

well... i kinda wish someone was keeping me company right now!

acs rugby team.

the acs rugby team is about 60% as good as it was in my year
they're about as fast, but their tackles lack bite, and their handling is a lot worse. they also don't pass the ball as much, neither do they kick the ball well.
their tactics have gotton quite one dimensional.

i'm looking forward to enjoying my time... especially with all the uni camps coming up!
but i'm forgetting to reply to certain people... shall do it now.
i'm not as organised as i used to be

once again. praise God for all love, for all blessings, and for the truth.

what i get is diff from every1 else.

in our personal walks of faith with God. we all grow at different times
perhaps... while we all seek God all the time, some of us wants to seek him more than others, for every different reason. u might now become a stronger christian follower than another if ur desire is so strong.... or perhaps u have seeked him out and have found him, and ur faith remains unwaivering in nature. whatever e case... different people have different places and different times and different walks. embrace it. and fully experience the holy spirit.

GDOP. while spoke an entirely different message to me.
it actually told me not how double minded people are, or i am. i believe many are not. i choose to believe rather that many are single minded, but they have chose differently. u either choose to live ur life by God, or by other things. our hearts are wired to just have one focus. rather... for me it gives me insight and understanding to what we are all like, how far we've fallen off the standard God has put there for us. and how we lack behind so many other nations in just being his people. i feel it sad that while we pray for double-mindedness during such an event, it is by no false claims when i say "i believe it will not last forever". i am a believer of the uthopian ideal. perhaps... because i look forward to heaven so often. it does not just take prayer on our part to make ourselves worthy. but also to live it out. and yet always remember how imperfect we are, and how we are God's chosen people and to glorify him for that, in all our imperfections.
yet GDOP was an experience for many others and thank God for that. that it has strengthened the faith of many, it has converted some, and it has built unity in a nation....

remember... you're a child of God. blessed with boundless riches, and with everlasting life

hypocrites of the faith

hmmm...! i woke up in one thought...
i fell asleep again...
then i realised i had nothing else to do except eat.
then after that i had even less to do... so i went out to run...
and now i'm back here. thinking what next. maybe someone will keep me company.
people have been an integral part of my life. well sometimes i feel i'm not part of theirs.
like.... when i'm feeling alone, no one really bothers to keep me company.
thats a huge problem... i'm obviously getting very very self cenetered! i should keep other people company! YES! okay problem solved....
okay unless people don't want my company, then tts an even bigger problem.
like how people make choices.. maybe they like to sit with other people!
okay... shall not be so sensitive... shall not feel like that... its not really important.
i really need to find ways to keep my enthusiasm levels up. like HI!! hows things?!!!
anyway i realised someone's becoming a really nice person..... i found it quite amazing how she really stood out among everyone else in e camp... like there's something special developing..
was probably in her all along though..

and just a note.
i felt really mean cos i actually said someone was condemned accidentally for the way he dressed going to church.... and i didn't really mean it. i like meant it as a warning to others not to do it.
argh. huge sin u know! sigh.. been repenting for the last 2 days, but i still feel bad!
sigh... ! (another huge mistake in my life) God forgives me.... he forgives everyone.

yesterday, anyhow we discussed what we wanted in a cell group. whether it'd be support, friendship, or just bible study... and someone said "actually all of us are coping fine on our own..."
and i was thinking.. YES! thats it... i don't need people around me... sometimes just God and I really is the best thing in your life. like people are trouble, they make things complicated, they mess things up, they make u ponder, think, sad, happy... make ur moods go up and down, make u worry. and even Muthamma Gandhi went into selcusion and so did so many others. like the nuns... like monks... to achieve that state on enlightenment. we did a little study on Amos in YAG. and how every persecutes the good, and how the prudent man stays quiet... and...
perhaps u can interpret that as...
staying away is the best thing to do?

i wonder. i also find it sad how parents can stand in your way even when u're an adult.. and not allow u to choose what values and principles, and what faith u want to follow.. everyone is entitled to their own choice. and well...

"i wonder what is mine"
i prayed yesterday.. for forgiveness, for how i and so many others in the world, are not able to sacrifice ourselves wholly for him.
we are all hypocrites of the faith. till we make our choice to do that.

hope springs eternal

i am damn weird.
i feel quite screwed up...
today a lot of things happened, a lot for thought.
and... i just felt so unstable all the time.

actually. it all started yesterday....
how YAG is going through so many changes again.. and like there'll be restructuring and all that!
and i think to myself... i'm tired of this... i don't want any more changes. can't i just be in a place where everything is set nicely for me....
then, my cell group is undergoing changes, and my old cell group... and i don't know how all the changes are going to turn out like. but i just think everything was stable and unchanging...
i feel that the group of people i hang out with always changes. sometimes its deborah, sometimes its claire, sometimes its dorea, sometimes its debs, sometimes its cheri, sometimes its my cell people, sometimes its mark cai, sometimes its army people, sometimes its ivan, etc. etc. etc. and can't it stick?
like where's my best buddy in all of this... lost... through experience; and i wish that didn't happen. like... tt was a cruel joke.
and he doesn't even believe in God now. and we drift further and further apart....
like people on the chiangmai trip... i don't know. i think friendships are slowly fading all the same. not many people are constant. maybe kings is the most constant one... and thats funny, yet special. i'm pretty surprised....
i wonder if going to uni will change anything.
in honest opinion.. church is a really unsteady place. things keep changing.
and today i felt tired just singing to God.. just felt tired hearing about the conservative evangelical church and the charismatic church make up. like...
WHY NOW?!!!
tell me.. like why couldn't u see it earlier, or why did u choose a day of prayer to show Singapore u've made up? it totally took the significance out of us praying... sigh.. i really don't understand.. and i think i'm weird.
i keep praying for understanding. not just of myself, but for things going ard me, and i don't seem to be getting any answers.... its like God is just keeping me in doubt. even though i want to know the truth so much.
i'm kinda down at the moment.
kinda... just waiting to meet just one person. one person thats willing to give up everything for me, and i for him/her.

=the concept of love=

"i'm cynical, i'm jaded, i'm tired of struggling, i'm tired of fighting, tired of living. can't i just give up? maybe i should be a little more careless when crossing the road"

oh yes. hope springs eternal. =)

u strip her of all her dignity.

i kinda wish almost everyone weren't reading my blog right now
haha it kinda makes me vulnerable.. and thats not a very good thing for a guy.
like guys should be strong and all that
which brings me to another point.....

i just watched north country.
and guys can be such animals.
but i think many guys today are still like that....
just that we're all on leashes... leashed by laws and by social stigmas.
e.g. if u're from america. there's a much higher chance u're gonna have lost your...
oh well.. haha i remember asking that question to a 15 yr old american when i was 15. (online)
guess what she said....
i was young then. naive and all. haha... wu zhi.
stand up for your dignity!

oh well... no other real thoughts now.
waiting for uni to start. maybe i'll find a regular group of people i can hang out with
that'll add stability. almost everyone i know now. i don't see very often... like here and there.. and oh well.. even if i see them i don't talk to them that regularly... which makes u sometimes wonder what if u left suddenly
haha.. well i did anyway.. on a trip/holiday so that doesn't count
but! nonetheless...

so life starts here! haha.. and after being in an elitist academic institution for so long....
perhaps... its time to see other kinds of poeple for a change.
i might like that better

"do you have your ticket to heaven?"