-think-

i've been keeping tonnes of stuff to myself... too much of it
and i think perhaps some people might be able to see it....
but yet i don't say a thing...
guess i really lack the guts and courage to say it.
but well.. there's more going inside me than around me.
sometimes i don't really know whats gonna happen in e future...
and i feel something tugging at me, just that i'm not sure what it is...
and so i don't follow it if i'm not sure of it.
somethings brighten up my day lately.. but a lot of things don't.
kinda looking forward to something else called "solitude" but thats not going to happen anytime soon...
-not a quitter-

and tt just stands out?

and... u dream why the 1st thing that always stands out is that.... u know.. that?

8 more working days? -raies eyebrows-

8 more working days. i definitely feel more busy than that. and really...
who cares about working days with all e other things around.
I hate working alone. really. i wish i had company all the time.
k i enjoyed munich its a gd show and company was gd. ultraviolet... well...
it be a typical computer game. hack and slash. failure to launch... haha in the makings of hitch 2... so oh well.. looking forward to X3, Superman Returns, Da Vinci Code, Cars.......
esp CARS. cartoons rock. really rock.
so anyone wanna watch with me? i'll gladly give u a treat if its any of the above-mentioned movies.
really happy i'm goign to Thailand. cos its a break from everything and everybody.
not that i don't wanna be with anybody. just good to relax and forget about all the things that u have to do or just waiting in the shadows.
i miss something. i wonder what it is. cos life seems a bit meaningless nowadays. perhaps i like to see the future all mapped out before my eyes, know where i'm going and when i'm reaching... but at this moment. its all just blank. what to do after ORD u ask.... i really don't know.
i lack discipline. i haven't been reading my bible or praying that much lately and i wonder why.
too caught up with stuff and with thoughts i guess. praying helps though.. and everytime i think, i think of it as a prayer... cos i believe God can read every single thing thats happening in our hearts.
and sometimes i just wonder....
really.. dreaming has become my life-long hobby.. .

sch trip!

hiii!
i'm going on a sch trip in april. so i will be effectively gone from april 22nd to may 23rd now. thats one whole month .. think i'll really enjoy it. going with the year 5s from Acs(i).. yeah 17 year olds. just past their curfew. going to thailand anyway!
well.. thats gd news... and its already set.
bad news is, i'll only get my pink i/c back after i return from the trip to thailand. btw its cos i got another trip to the us thats why i'll be away.
anyway yeah my xbox is totally gone, decided to sell it, not getting much.... sigh in a way i'm selling it cheap to the guy, u can say he's ripping me off. but to me, not much difference ...
cos i think its just part of business. someone has to earn after all..
yeah though u wish it was those poor people who'd be gaining. well he's poorer than me. and perhaps i'm sure if he's ripping me off, there's a little bit of guilt in him. anyway yeah i upped the selling price a bit higher already. and well ... uni starting,. i should do away with the xbox anyway. but my poor xbox that has followed me for 3 years thru ns... u know., there's a little bit of sentimental value there.
so yeah... in other ways, i guess life hasn't been too great. i've succesfully stopped myself thinking at all now.. if u realise it... yeah maybe u don't, but i haven't been saying much about my thoughts now have i.... hyea don't think any of u realise it much.
yeah but u know something...
i love the present Dorea and Roo gave me.. sigh its so sweet really.. and
they feel like e best friends in church ever.. though its so small. but its really special!
and i gonna keep it to remember things by....
in a way... yeah =) i'm so happy i got them... from church.
not really tt close to a lot of others though i wish i was.. but uknow someitmes circumstance and destiny makes it happen this way.
and sometimes i think about deborah and like.. yeah... there are some differences which make quite a gulf between us at times. like things could be closer. but its just bcos of how things are... things will not be as perfect as i wish it to be.
on another note.. was talking to one of my christian friends in army today about "unequally yoked. " yup in a way i convinced him... of my personal conviction. we went thru the verses about marriage. note 1 and 2 corinthians. thought about it. shared views. came up with something. he still feels so young in tt aspect.. though a gd person at heart.. most people believe in the unequally yoked thing.... and for some, they really define how u look at that issue as a sign of spiritual maturity and faith. i beg to differ..... its up to your personal conviction. What God tells u in your heart. though it is gd advice.... but well... whether u agree with me is another matter. yeah... there are so many ways to look at it and argue your point. so many different ways to look at things like this, how each one interprets it is differnet. only God can tell u in ur heart if youre right. impt thing is not to judge another cos of a personal conviction like this.... bcos. somethings, u'll never know... u'll never see.... u'll never understand... not that i'm against it either. i fully believe we should follow it. just that who knows a real christian when u see one?
haha and sorry for the photos... i'm too caught up with the wonderful video =)

ordinary

i think i'm starting to dislike girls. not that i like guys, but in general. i've been looking around and...
i don't fancy their attitudes, the way they shop, the way they treat people, the way they make choices... to me
its all kind of ordinary... well nonetheless there are those few that to me are really quite different.
yet i realise its because they are much less of what a typical girl in Singapore is like.
1. i heard today about my friend's friend who doesn't mind being a mistress to her bf. i say mistress because she doesn't mind being the backup plan of this guy who already has a gf and who treats her so crappily.
2. another girl who was attached and conveniently seemed like she wasn't, and gaining tonnes out of it.
3. two-timing, need i say more.
4.what a typical girl in singapore is like... materialistic as can be. some would say bimbo.or even stuck up.
so anyway... i was thinking about different traits people i knew had, what made them so un-ordinary... they are. thats my conclusion.
while some are hopeless ordinary to me, i'm sure they're pretty special to other people.
so spiritual ranks high on my list. spiritual people are definitely not ordinary. genuinely down to earth people are also really un-ordinary. yet these are few. real and truly nice (genuine) people are another breed - and u say everyone is nice. i say not true. its all about their motives. why are they being nice for. people that chase other things that i see as important. things perhaps out of this world things like meaningful relationships, doing good for others, and the list goes on....

say i'm confused cos i might be, say i'm thinking too much in the moment and perhaps that is true at the same time. but a thought is a thought and u can always say.. "objection" during a court case, but what's been said has been said and you can't change that.

so.. honestly, to me.. u don't have to be perfect.
you just don't be ordinary...
and to me, thats being special enough..
thats being perfect.

2 days off..

what a bummer.. 2 days off. 2 plans. 2 plans cancelled. 100% strike out rate.
still, i watched V for Vendetta.
it was superb.
finally finished downloading e entire Xmen Series. now taking time to burn 4 episodes each into DVD. quality is really good. if anyone want a copy. i'll be charging. think it takes 3 days (72 hours) just to burn the entire series... i'm a big fan.
So thats what i have been doing.
on another note, i am supporting Kellie for American Idol V. Cos she's so Sweet and Girl Next Doorish and Down to Earthish. really wish i could meet her.
my birthday present from Dorea and Roo is done...
so looking forward to that. N u know what! finally i'm getting my 6280!
this saturday.
my Xbox is spoilt. sigh must go repair. thats more money. didn't expect to be getting that broke lately. but thankfully i've found tuition... $40 an hour... Uncle Cheok. Hope i can find more students to join my class. anyone interested? if anyone is interested .. its at wed at 3pm. and each one i take will be $20 an hour. 1.5 hours per session. this is going to help pay for my petrol and the little gifts i've been buying myself. each gift approximately gives me one week of happiness. when i'm bored. i just watch a dvd. Spending quite a bit of money lately which means i have to save over the next few weeks.
just got my black elite card though. with a whole bunch of vouchers and exclusive membership to the Tower Club.
U must realise i'm 21. and i run my own life more than ever now.
i still miss some people though.

new nsf batch

today. the new nsfs came in! and guess what. i'm like the advisor now.
haha.. cos i'm the most senior nsf around.
i don't have to do any work, i just supervise and take over from the i/cs if they got other stuff to do. u know what that means?! i'm practically free from ns already. or from work anyway....
kinda in a good mood lately.
the nsfs that came in are pretty nice.. though i realise i don't have that much patience with them... cos i tend to get frustrated.... they're quite lacking in initiative. its something with poly people generally. but i'm not going to stereotype. but its improving. anywya! no staying back for me anymore!
i have one thought now......
"going to heaven"

its something i really look forward to with such anticipation.

care bears vs the transformers

today... i got a present i regard as one of the nicest presents ever.
a care bear.
i love it. its like everything i wanted in a present. its orange. it fits right into my car, its cute, just e right size, its unique, its vintage, its a collectors item, it reminds me of my childhood, and its symbolic. amazing. i think it also came at a time when i wasn't expecting much... like my expectations are way down low now... but thats a personal resolution.
so anyway what a wonderful present!
okay other presents i got were just as lovely.
a blue elephant, a bear in a chef costume (reminds me of my past hobby, but i kinda given that up now), a mont blanc pen that came along with 2 other parts; the dog in my car with a pink nose and these baby wooden blocks that spell matt, a card and muffins, a christian cd, a zara shirt, a drive away your sins scented thing that u put in your car, the care bear, a letter, a cookies and cream cheese cake, 5.1 surround sound speakers with an external sound card, an ipod nano (which i gave away), another letter with the 2nd half of the present soon to come, a nike jersey, something very nicely done up in my car that says matthias (made with foam toys with one of the sweetest messages written on it), purpose driven life book (he promised me another book but never give in e end=p) , a wonderful lunch with a transformers vcd, a goldlion wallet, ribena pastilles (don't ask whY) plus nothing else. and tt makes exactly 20 presents.
and i'm really waiting and looking forward to the 21st... made by Dorea and Roo.. =) supposed to be something really special, but that might come next yr haha soooooo....

whats crappy about the entire thing is that with exception of some of them, the rest of yag didn't bother to give anything. in that sense, i guess maybe i had too high expectations. but i guess... after it all, i've learnt how much those people and their 21 gifts are more meaningful and important to keep around. e reason why i didn't stay around in sec3. the rest make it staying such a blessing though. not that i'm sore... but u know what i mean. i could do with a sincere "happy birthday" at least. anyway think they (people that gave me stuff) set really high standards for my presents. so i'll try by my own means, to keep or improve that standard for their birthdays too!

anyway anyone would like to buy me the following things? i want the transformers Season 2 part 1 and part 3 vcd set. it costs at most $19.90 per set. and the transformers Headmasters which comes in Vol 1 and 2 and costs $19.90 per set and Transformers final victory set which costs $32.90 i think. i'm collecting vintage cartoons that i grew up with to remind me of my childhood. the past memories are always good cos thats all we retain in our heads.

on another note, i've been sick for the 6th day straight and i wish i would get better already. maybe that has been God's way of giving me a rest from a lot of things. plus i've another blessing, another tuition =) someone from church.. $40 to $50 an hour i think though i think i'll charge much less. when i need money, God so provides.

and he's provided a lot of other kinds of help from many different people as well. guess this year.. what had stood out for me is the company in church, because by all truth told. i'm feeling really lonely most of the time. people that are there and stay there... in my life. i really miss the times when i had david and he was involved in every single part of my life... but he doesn't read this cos we aren't that close now due to circumstance so.. u know oh well... there's no one thats really right there at the moment... but i think some cut it pretty close. see how past memories are always good... i don't rem the arguments i had with him. actually there were very few, and very small ones. i remember the times where we spend like all our savings on each other's presents and all... but.. u know. i can't live in the past anymore. just reminiscing... but moving on with life. YA. i GUESS things are getting brighter. haha
just kidding =) see i have a certain aspect of me that just disappoints me all the time.
its not good. i just smile on e surface... a lot... thats cos i am such an optimist but just that i'm a dreamer too and we have such high expectations. its like dreams never come true... so its kind of like a trap that you inevitably fall into.

anyway YAG was doing a personality test today....
its a shortened version of the MYers-BriGgs.
i did the full version much earlier.
i'm an INFP
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceptive
yeah... w/ exception of the I, i'm very extreme for the rest. the first one is kinda a 60% introverted, 40% extroverted thing.
any of u INFPs too? i think we'll get along very well together.

on another note. Continental Singers! please invite alot of your friends... i think it'd be an exciting concert.

it means.

it means. "no place", it doesn't exist.

its my brother's birthday today

its my brother's birthday today....he's 25 by the way.
though he never reads this. but
good brother. cos he likes home. he likes to stay at home. and he cares more about the family than so many other things. haha... so yeah.. remember the times he used to come home right after JC to play computer with me, or just kick a soccer ball with me...
when i was in JC, he went to US already, and i didn't have that option....
though i really wish i had him around
i really hope he doesn't migrate.......
really hope he doesn't.... that'll hurt. and maybe i'll migrate too if he does

anyway we're all so old now...
and all those hopes and dreams u once had, seem to disappear...
i think mr gandhi always had that hope he could cling on to
that was probably a gift from God. a shining light that he could see.....
all the time
i... on the other hand, can't see that light half the time.
but i know its there.
its a huge difference u know.
its as big as the difference between right and wrong.

this woman in my church has a wish...
that she might have her own piano concert...
yet. people turned her down
u know why?
despite all that we know and learn in church
we're all hypocritical people
one day that might change....
one day....

then i would say again.. "perhaps, perhaps...."
"we'd finally know the meaning of "Utopia"."

-the question of the universal versus the particular-

then again... it means "outopia"... and u ask what is that.

and u know? !

u know...
people shouldn't think so highly about themselves.

okay anyway i'm sick ...
fever, flu plus sore-throat.
the works. feels terrible. esp the throat.
don't feel like doing anything else but sleeping

but i'm okay. kinda enjoying things.
quite bemused at some things though...

like when u look in the mirror....
what do you see?
ur own flaws, or ur positives?

i suppose its ur positives. in some ways.... you are much more similar than u perceive yourself to be....

but... my own opinions should be kept to myself
and it is definitely not wise to put it here
but u know something? so we really need to be that wise?
Jesus wasn't very wise when he died on the cross.. can't u say that?
he could have avoided adversity when he knew about Judas' plan....
we learn things on the surface...
yet we never bother to look deeper.
what is true wisdom then?

once again....
"the only thing i know is that i don't know anything"

a reminder for the way we live our lives

sometimes..

u know sometimes u look back at the past memories u've had...
and u looked and u perhaps wished how everything was different?

how maybe u've really clicked with this person,
but yet were too scared to ever develop it more... ?
or how you pursued other things, when what u really want now was standing right there in front of you...
or even how u look at photos and u wish u were there with them...

thinking much more than ever broadens ur mind, and lets u see so many other things
on the things u've missed and the things u haven't.

"don't you wish u had it all? "

u know... when u have too many problems

when u have too many problems, things might seem unreal and overexaggerated...

yesterday, my friend mentioned to me how he joined a new cell, and everyone inside was sharing such intimate and personal issues and problems with the rest of the cell... to him... it was a sign of spirituality... but from his point of view. he sees how friendships and all should have a natural progression, and being in that cell... seeing that cell.... and how it worked.. it seemed to have lost that natural progression, instead adopting e mindset of "brothers and sisters in christ"

it was also no surprise to him that they had so many issues...
God vs The World comes up again.
Living a life that pleases God causes u to shun the world, and live away from the world....
yet the world... a place we're living in...
its contradictory. how can we shun it...? unless we have no relationship with it ever?
but we do. and thus our problems and struggles..

yet if u show it too much, it seems unreal... it seems that how much u're bogged down by all the problems does not seem to make much sense to the rest of the people. though u struggle with it, and even if u fully understand how to struggle with it and why u struggle with it... it is stil a problem... and people will never understand why...
if u don't struggle, it just shows u're too comfortable with sin.
wherein lies the balance then? for leaders who shield these thoughts and experiences away from everyone else, afraid to lose that "know all" stance, that "i can deal with everything" mindset, or that "let me guide u through" persona they show to everyone else... they too surely must have their own problems, their struggles... yet they don't show it? why? cos its too much an issue about pride? the call for "spiritual transparency" is there! perhaps they don't have these issues cos they know how to deal with it all within themselves. so is it an ego thing? cos man will never fully understand god... and so many other things, can they truly count on their own understanding when dealing with all these problems. the methods of guidance definitely encompasses other spiritual counsel. or maybe they feel that its just between God and them, then u question whats the purpose of the cell group. and of course, the church.

so qn 1. from my perspective. how does a leader firstly lead a life that is so true and spiritual transparent, facing all the problems, issues and whatsoever, without compromising that respect, at the same time guiding and building up people, knowing well that they're going to look at him/her and see all the problems he/she is facing and think to themselves... how this person can help them along with all their problems.
cos while the call to be humble, and to think others better than urself... how many actually do it... ? how many actually feel that everyone else out there will be able to understand ur struggles, understand you, help u along as though u're the child in need of guidance. how many actually think they can rely on themselves?
and though it is definitely not for me to judge. everyone should look at themselves... are you really relying on yourself or on God? then again the latest YAG write up talks about wisdom.. IRonic! wisdom comes from you, and it shows u're relying on yourself. just like common sense..
then u think and everything is becoming more contradictory.
its always us thinking. even if we pray and all... God is just like a thought, an idea.
theological statements.

then u must remember that God is a pre-supposition and u have to think of him to exist before u think of anything else. Its all about the experience u have with him.
then u realise how perfectly understandable it is for those who do not believe to claim it is because they have not experienced that. then the realisation just keeps going on and on and on.
e.g. u can say that they haven't given God the opportunity to show them tt experience, yet u say god is almighty and omnipotent and doens't need to be given that opportunity, then u can say but only if u believe then can u submit that experience to god. of course another one can say that i don't believe because i have not had that experience. and someone else can say it is a personal choice, then another can say so why is it so many have made that personal choice to forsake him and only change after that experience?
Chicken vs Egg Theological Argument.

anyway. okay back to my first point.
how do you strike that balance? what balance is correct? is there a mark to point that out? is that mark Jesus? yet look around..... most leaders do not follow the model of Jesus. wait. most people don't. thats why u see comments of how christians meet some buddhist and see such nice people in them! (oh ya christian context of course) yes we know we're all imperfect and flawed.
so...... what an excuse! for everything. thus stemming the hypocritical stand of the rest of the world.
so what do we do from here? encourage the spiritual member, that shares and pours his/her heart out... indulging in all her/his struggles and sharing it with everyone else, so that everyone is going to be overwhelmed with all the struggles around? yet seem so jaded and all, unable to cope. or support those that sit quietly and understand and understand and feel how and think how u're so close to God and so full of understanding and know that you are... seeming so invunerable to the works of the devil and all... seeming so mature, so wise and know-it-all? my flaw here. judging others (in my own little biased way). every argument is biased anyway.
everything goes in circleS !

that is why. one should not concern himself/herself with things like this
Christian faith is much simpler than all of this.
believe or don't believe
and if u do... live ur own life to the best of its potential. which is limitless.
the others? tt comes written in ur own life, and in the faith.

"each person lives his/her own life, you can only be true to yourself."

one ultimate judge, one ultimate God.

hostilities to e max

GOLLY....
i felt like i offended everyone today...

u know e feeling u get where u think that
no one actually likes u, and will prefer to stand behind someone else when issues crop up
thats e feeling i'm getting now.

and it shall be called "our town"

who wants to create a neighbourhood just for us..?

i'm in.
where we live together in one community,
with gardens and playgrounds in e middle
where we have tea parties and bbqs.
where church services are conducted and the whole neighbourhood comes down
where everyone are friends
where we all are happy...

It was reported in ACS(i) ...

A secondary one student was traumatised seeing two IB (or year 5s as ACS calls them) students kissing and holding hands in school

24minutes.

when hours can be counted into minutes...
and i only have 15 left to finish this entry.

going out for dinner.
just set up my new set of speakers someone gave me for my birthday
its wonderful.
crisp clear 5 point surround sound.

tmr, am meeting kenny to go to the IT fair, yet i've nothing to buy now.
doesn't say much that i'm short of funds.
but anyway, at least there's time spent together.

han solo is going into army tomorrow...
and only when are they about to leave, do you realise how much you're going to miss them.
cho talked about how we all should buy over an entire plot of land and live together...
i'm looking forward to that.
its how i always imagined life would be for me next time...
whether in Singapore, whether in NZ, or anywhere else.

but as time goes by....
my patience wears thin, and finally i think i might have lost it.
who knows what the future holds?
in e past week, i've done what i've not done for a long long time, try to enjoy life and live more for myself....
think i'm going to quit soon.
i like to look upon it as rediscovering myself rather than shirking my responsibility.
i like to look upon the times as times where i was there when u were down, and when u've outgrown me... u don't need me anymore, and its time for me to move on.
someone once said "who cares?"
and so what even if people do after u've mentioned it.
does it make a difference? u'll never get what u want, and once u've gotton it, u don't want it anymore...
i've 8 minutes left.
more than enough time considering the flow of thoughts and ideas inside my head.
i've convinced myself...that whilst i've not been blessed with the best of gifts....
not been blessed with the best brains, the most articulated speech skills, e most money, or looks, or ideas, or even wisdom, or just charisma...
i am.. happy, just counting the blessings i have each day.
we owe it to God don't we.

waiting for it to happen... that 4 minute countdown clock.

remember....
"there's no way to look at anything with a point of view.
there is always misunderstandings which stems from our lack of understanding....
and we can only rely on God to show us everything"

on a personal note... can u look at people and the world....?
never.
perhaps... perhaps... we can only feel them.

2 minutes
and 1 minute...

and... those feelings have stopped.

and i had fun again today!

went sentosa today!
deborah, cho, ivan, me, hansolo, ian, jamie and jocelyn!
1st we started off with a swim.
then we bought a frisbee and played that. wasn't tt succesful.
so we went back into e water and played robot wars and all!
then we borrowed a ball to play volleyball!
haha which was quite fun, after which we had a photo session and we made e 6 man pyramid!
den we went for lunch... watched some parrot show and then we went off
though i didn't say much about it ... ya it was so fun!

over e last 2 days, i had so much fun... just with this gang of people. still missing a few of them. but! ya!
if only we could do this more often!
but they're going into army soon... and well.. ya.. will miss them.

anyway... have really been stepping back a lot
and enjoying it. my conscience bothers me a little. but i finally understand why
i need to do it.

the tidal wave crashes against the shore..
again and again....repeatedly
until it is no more....

think i finally have my mind off things tt have been troubling me lately...
today i kept quiet. and i realised my mind didn't run as much as it did before.
perhaps thats a sign of a turn-around.

looking thru nick's birthday party photos today.
happy birthday to him.

"i've walked down a different path.... wonder why it doesn't cross yours, or his, or hers..."

hey i had fun today

hey i had fun today!
haha... really.. i'm enjoying myself!
i'm so hanging out with people whose life do not directly relate to mine! but
bcos of how they are. its all working out..!!
well they're a little more like me rather than like so many others who aren't.
haha a few months ago, i wouldn't have seen it like this... this way

for every bad there is a good. things always balances its way out. somehow.

on a further note.
a lot of things have changed.

tim han and all going into army...
tt be new. wish them all e best, will be with them in prayers. and with jon chan and dillon too

i went to e zoo today!

i'm going to sentosa tomorrow!

anyway.. on another another note.
yup i hope i didn't give e wrong impressions today... cos
i'm still a little moody

my fault

my fault for setting up this blog
my fault for thinking so much
everything i get into is really my fault
and what should i say?

"are u strong enough to change your plan... to change how life unfolds for u?"

can it be ... that perhaps i could change my decision, my choice now?

what is there no solution for...?
a wrong choice

and what is the hardest question..?
Why?

yet what is e greatest ?
God.

screwceedd things

i definitely screwed things
today.. i felt
how maybe i should take a month holiday from everything
maybe when i return. things will be all better.
really don't know what is going on around me these days... and i don't wanna find out
guess sometimes u feel a little left out
at least elsewhere there are people that want me around =)
k i don't feel very wanted around .. esp today
like in church
and i'm thinking so much
like unbelievably much... sigh! and i can't stop thinking and thoughts just keep flooding me....
and i really just want to get away from anything
so i read... and always so many things happen when i wanna get away
and when i can take that break! when?!
u know
i guess i must say sorry to some certain people

"they always say wishes come true...
but not for me"

happy where u're at

so the morale of the story is be happy where u at.
something i had to learn the hard way. but i finally understand it
while talking to calvin today.
not that he said anything that struck me so directly, but
how he told me about himself.

and anyway
i realised that there are people that really like me out there....
and its happy hearing things like that

anyway yeah.. it also all boils down to calvin as i was watching him today
and realised that here was a good model i could follow
whilst not the most famous/most outstanding guy i know in church
yet there's something about him that strikes me as being special.
being himself... staying, talking about and doing what pleases him and makes him happy.
its a real joy to watch.
tts what i did today!

deborah bought me a bear! in a chef's costume!
its been a long time since i've cooked...
yet i'm still remembered for that
=)

upz and downz.

"what goes up must come down"

true. in world concepts.

anyway so... hmm loosening and lightening up
and thinking. of course thinking
its terrible not to be thinking

in a fix right now
realise that....
a lot of things remain hidden...

and u know something?
expectations are at an all time low.
thats gd u know.

nervous wreck. umm... such a fool

i was a completely nervous wreck today...
but u know life goes on
sometimes u wonder and think if there's a way to live it over
u can't tempt fate however
whatever will be will be....

when i just want this one thing for myself
and willing to forsake and give up so many others
u wish God would make it happen.
u just wish it would.

u always wonder whether u make the right decision
and we're all taught about wisdom and all
and u think how much u wish u could just follow ur feelings instead, and be true not only to urself...
but to ur heart and soul.

its a dillemma.
my heart cries out...
yet now my mind plays with me....
my feelings are true.

such a fool