scented

guess who!

ya. haha happy birthday to cheri soon.

anyway ya i had a wonderful birthday thanks to all the different people and their company....

got some really nice presents as well ....
esp those that are handmade
or those with that little personal touch added to them.....


Camp committee has started up. i hope we find a good theme.
Continental Singers has started, i'm happy with it.. looking good and well planned.

my friends told me something today about what they thought about something...
sounds so secretive right. yeah its meant to be.
haha but anyway it made me happy.

for a guy though, i realise i need tonnes of assurances.
taking that step forward is kinda hard.

"I left my heart... in San Francisco"

and my 2nd and 3rd and so on..

next i went to.....
Sentosa! that was great=) i loved it. ate at the terrace... was a really nice place with pretty good food though it was a little bit expensive.. =) but the company was great though the things that came up were kinda troubling at times.
and i really duno.. i'll get very angry with people if things really happen... really. you can say i'm overprotective of people. ya i admit. esp when they people very close to me.
but it was really worth it, and the night was amazing.... enjoyed the walk. the little walk we had too... and we saw diana ser, was this ang moh's wedding called ludovic and e bride, liling.
but there were tonnes of indians inside.... but anyway.. yeah the night was good

anyway ya then on saturday.... was a pretty normal day.
sunday was better.
sunday. think JSS, i'm breaking through to the guys a little bit more ....
then YAG. ya they surprised me with another cake. haha
quite sweet

looking forward to next week when my present from Dorea and Roo comes though !
Not forgetting, joycelyn, sylvianne, amelia's presents
then u realised they are all girls
not one guy gave me a bday gift this year.
except woo.... a book =)
but maybe........................... treats yes but gifts?
oh well. different. girls are more sentimental people.

oh ya someone asked me if i ever stop and think whether a girl is right for me
definitely.
but i never been very lucky with girls, and like so haven't had many to choose from.
but those i have, definitely not right for me.
goolly, then i hear about all the cheating and all that from my friends in army and all or about things about other girls i know, or like e NYP scandal where its probably just another girl being mean thing.... and i'm not impressed.
was talking to my JSS kid's parents about their other daughter, and i had no other way to tell them things, or explain them how things really were except the "i think its a phase girls go through and how they are"
so girls are trouble...
but they tend to be nicer and sweeter than guys

anyway, kinda in a stage now...
like where decision making and choices come into play.
some feel so anchored and thats good.....

starting to see the positives in so many people....
and perhaps e negatives in some
still don';t know what to say, but when i do think of something i'll say it.
2 sides to a coin. they all seem to be flipping over right now .


perhaps life is turning around.
changing...

and...

there's a apple on e tree...
i try to reach it but i can't seem to
can't it just drop down?

my 1st bday lunch

my 1st 21st birthday lunch, with sylvia.

well... 1. she was really late.
and i found myself asking questions....
like why is it that everything i want for myself never seems to work out perfectly.
like i was hoping she wouldn't be that late
cos e buffet didn't last that long... and i don't see her that often these days. so it would be great if there were a little more time.
but no big deal, at least i realised why... no issue with me, as long as she turns up. there's always a reason.

as of this year, we are old friends since its been 5 years. 5 long years.
yes, 5 very meaningful years, and even if it was just a month i've known her. she has done much more for me that i'll forever consider her one of the best, if not the best friend i've ever had. i owe so much. spiritually, emotionally to her. maybe she hasn't realised it yet... haha it might have seemed insignificant at that time. but much more goes around in the spiritual realm that people don't see. God's gift. i'll definitely miss her so much when she goes to McGill...
actually its about 6 years though, since i met her on the china trip first.

i'm just kinda sad that perhaps i won't be able to celebrate her birthday for her..

e 1st of my birthday meals. we have many many years more to look forward to.

while i am still terribly jaded by why my superior gave me such low grades, not just low but low in comparison to the others as well.... i have no other comments about it.
by all means, perhaps, being "happy go lucky" has resulted in me being one of the most unlucky people in e world. yet, i know how many other blessings i have been showered with.
Life would be boring if it did not happen, and perhaps i have so much more experiences in my life. because of all of this.

people say... 21 is the age of freedom; my auntie gave me a tweety bird figure to signify that.
yet i feel much older than my years.
but i'm still very much immature with feelings. i still live and act by my feelings...
and that is a part of me i am not willing to let go...

being a good person is so hard these days... and i'll never understand why i still refuse to give up on that. perhaps God is holding me up.

"seeing days where the clouds roll by so smoothly,
thinking of the tears falling, when the sky changes its colour,
the day never remains as it is,
sometimes it rains, sometimes its clear,
when shall i hold up the umbrella?
for you, as you have done for me.
that together we share that one umbrella
to stop the tears, to keep us warm
an umbrella that is made for 2,
yet only one can hold at a time.
but a trusty umbrella that lasts the days,
that it becomes much more than that.
the strength to hold back the rain,
the patience to wait for sunny, clear weather,
and the love for us to carry on walking. "

Johnny Walker, keep on walking.

(the last sentence was a little try to be smart-alecky move by me, ignore it.)

sigh, whats impt?

today was probably one of the most depressing days of my entire NSF term....
and...
u know. if u talk about depression, tts it.

why huh... why why why why why
crossroads...
everything gets thrown up in the air, and no one knows how its going to fall.

i don't want no money
what am i going to do with it?
make rich people richer?

i don't want no ipod nano....
SIGh i already got an ipod mini

i don't want all that...
i just want that A......
thats really important to me.
i don't want no trade-offs....
material wealth is no substitute....

i'm confused
i'm jaded

90 minutes to heaven..

its actually a book i'm reading... of how this guy came back to life after dying...
decided to relook back at today.
aaron said how when we look forward nothing is clear, yet when we look back, its always perfect 6/6 vision. not true. i've looked back upon today as a day where perhaps i wish things were less real.... but everything is so blurred, and u'll never be able to fully see the world for who they really. just as the serpent. can u see through his tricks?

today reynard came to church. i don't feel like talking to xinyi at all these days... seems a little distant. in fact my old cell seems distant. lost is the previous camaraderie we once had. its like they've made the cell what they want it to be.... and its so different. and its unlike what i always saw it as. think its a victim of circumstance. anyway out of everyone, half are new, half are old. once again i hate change. just reading woo's blog on his 4 friends makes me wonder where my guy friends all went to. actually some of them are still around and present, just that i kinda lost trust in them. haven't met a really nice guy lately. cho seems the most likely bet. (excluding reynard too; but then again, when guys get a gf, there they go! *wooshhh* into orbit) - i'm not saying i won't be the same - so anyway reynard came, we sat in for 2nd service worship, then we left for my JSS class... he saw a glimpse of them. they are so so noisy, esp that japher who talks non-stop. yet u know he actually listens. despite all his nonsense. and i refrain from scolding him cos u never fight fire with fire. so keep on dousing, though i think almost everyone else keeps encouraging me to shut him up. today. i tried to observe them more than teach. today, a debate practically sprang up. i hope they listened. i always encourage discussion yet, he asked.. "how do we know God is true?" my students are facing issues. the girls are fine, but the guys are going through the " i can use my intellect and rely more on my logic and brains than i do on God. i believe because it makes sense." well i hope the gist of the whole issue really went in... we believe because we feel him.
and thats the whole point. what makes the difference between a devout christian and one that just comes to church. his faith.

anyway yeah tts my jss class. i think i'm really breaking through to them. on my own terms and on my own grounds with my own style, all wonderfully God-given. i'm different from every other teacher and yet i hope and pray that these kids that i've taught will forever remember the things i've taught =) how do u know u're making a difference? because it shows. in so many ways.. from the "i pray everyday" (in such a enthusiastic manner ) to the "cos God really loves me and i've experienced him" how many of u can say u've experienced God at such a young age.. its rare, we don't understand the concept of him at such a young age.. yet it happens, and its nothing short of a miracle =).
well today Christopher even wished me happy birthday. =)
my bright shining light, the one that faces adversity with such courage.

which brings me to the lunch. it was good i guess. really touched by some things my mum said. yet more things bothered me about the lunch than all that. sigh once again i emphasise how people that meant so much to me weren't there... and today i really wonder how maybe there were just one person for me to live and be with my entire life. i wouldn't have to worry about friendships.. i wouldn't have to get sad when friends seem to forsake u, i wouldn't have to get disheartened by people who have grown distant. i wouldn't have to be jaded by people i don't relaly know, and i wouldn't face issues about the world. about people in the world.
golly, don't u see how much i want u. i'm so imperfect yet. and thats why i'm finding it so hard to live here. u know, its things liek thsi that actually mean much more to u that u go through and always get disappointed and let down. while i make others happy, who makes me happy?
i guess, all these has resulted in me becoming closer to God, and always focusing on him as the one who's always there, who's never missing in my life. his perfect long-suffering plan for me. fruit of the spirit? ya i guess so. in other ways, i'm too much of a thinker, an emotional hazard. so perhaps the fault lies with me. yet if its what i'm supposed to be, in god's mysterious plan, what can i do?! be special?!

anyway gave woo a bible. think perhaps perhaps....
u never know, it has to start from somewhere... everyone's journey has to have a beginnning....
hope he finds it.

90 minutes to heaven?

being closer to death is more enticing that one to the shore.
yet what if life returns to haunt u....
not life in heaven when beauty abounds,
but life on earth,
where the serpent runs free
and God comes in many shapes and sizes.

living the imperfect life of an imperfect man in this imperfect world
is so hard....
yet we never give up.

pessimistic me

i'm so cynical about some things.

should lighten up!

oh look! bright sunny day!

today wasn't meant to be..

today really wasn't meant to be...
i think.

there was a surprise birthday celebration thrown for me in church, by my mum, in front of all my friends
yet my best friends were not there, and admist all the congratulations and well wishes some of them gave me, some didn't even bother to give any. or something was horribly lacking in the conversations, the lacking of that closeness....

i thank cho and jocelyn though, for all they did, the part they played, esp joce who got me a present at least.
den shuhui didn't even come...
guess the nice thing was that reynard was there, and that amelia was nice enough to keep my company during the lunch.

made me wonder on the way back.
emerald said "no one even bothers to ask how i am"
as we look back on the days of cell group where we used to be so close.
the days we went out almost every night. and cho also told me about how it was so fun.
where is it all now ?
some friendships have forged with emmy and joce, and perhaps i'm getting closer to nick, yet the rest have more or less disappeared. and i don't really care anymore.
destiny perhaps. that it didn't work out, all part of God's plans... was trying to find reasons like was it bcos it was just short term things, and only things built on more long term things really stay...?
i don't know, i really don't.
why are there so many little cliques, yet i'm not part of any of them?

while i have my old friends, and the trying to make new ones, where do all the in-betweens go?
is there no chance of it happening...?
qn again why does it happen between some people and some people but not u and others?
is "clicking" that important when it comes to friendships?

sigh i could definitely make better use of the money for close, better friends than acquaintances... than to people who just regard it as another free meal.
everything should be meaningful, shouldn't it.

yet after it all i'm thankful
yet it makes me all the more awkward cos i don't seem to fit in.
yet i haven't found a place where i've really fitted in either.
today made me realise in the midst of everything....
perhaps its kinda my destiny... e plan for me.
golly
i'm really really confused right now

where do my priorities lies?
whom do my priorities lie with?
and where should they be...?
hmm.. God knows

i feel drifted.
yet i'm happy cos i'm not to close to the shore.

get real!  

*plonk*

i plunged straight into the deep waters... for a moment today.
realising all the things people said and influenced me for that one little moment, and i couldn't find myself agreeing with them more.
yet despite that one moment, that one little ray of sunshine shone through.
and perhaps.... perhaps... there's hope after all....

today is woo's birthday, and i hope he's having a good time.
i've been finding excuses for wrong things i have said/done in the past right now
and i realise there is no excuse sweet enough to forgive myself.
i've been so wrong. and yet i wonder why. that i only realise it now.
perhaps life's been moving too fast for me.. and finally its time for me to take a breather and then race after to catch up again.

next week is my birthday.
uncertainty lies ahead.
was talking to tay the last few days. and i think he appreciates me for a lot of things, and i'm thankful to him as well.... perhaps we have much more in common than i realised. sigh, sometimes though, people misread my good intentions and how i work for the good of everyone and not just myself. its not about one person suffering, or one person not suffering. the importance of it all lies in suffering together and being together. unity in strength. yet i'm hypocritical in my own right. sigh. sometimes i really don't know what to say. perhaps i stick and live by my principles and values so closely it blinds me from e truth about myself. yet perhaps not, and we continue to live in confusion and behind facades.
u know, i talk about myself like i have little flaws, yet i know i have so many.
and i'm irritated by myself. by our imperfections.

so while woo talks about not liking parties and all
perhaps i should too. i'm kinda an adaptable person, on the surface that is. deep within myself, everything contradicts. and i'm a mesmer. i create illusion. i'm never what u see.

so disjointed, this entry. so disappointed.

u know. i really don't know what to think these few days.
i want to understand every little thing, and yet i can't.
i'm running my life more than i should....

anyway my report for my NS term just kinda got sent. almost everything was exceptionally good. which is great. other comments include "good leadership skills and qualities, and good team player. and some other stuff that i didn't really see" so overall, exceptionally good. which is great. i've done well. my CO says i'm going to be a future MP. but nah i don't think so. i think politics will ruin my principles and destroy my values. i'll implode... but i really wish people would stop blowing up my head. its big enough as it is. i'm not tt perfect. kinda happy with my report.... =) looks like i'm close to getting my "excellent" grading after all.

anyway. as someone said in response to a question by another friend to what is the one major issue in your life right now. "that i would lose all my pretty clothes in the event of a fire at home".
it says a lot.
if thats what you live by, that is what defines you.
e.g that person also said how his girlfriend must adhere to his standards of dressing fashion.
(how meaningful ya?)
but anyway i shouldn't be so critical of others without being critical of myself.

i believe.
1. people should stick strongly by their principles and values
2. these values should be good values ( e.g. to always be for others, doing good)
3. let these principles and values be the focal point of their life.

how often does this happen though?
its like a mutation.
everything matters after a while, and perhaps everything said above has been said in such narrow-mindedness.

i'm a fool. really.

yawn* my good friends are all attached.
hope they all enjoyed their valentines day.

"love is not a feeling, but a decision" - from TODAY
i don't exactly agree.

love is love. its profound.

mata-o-hitori-desu-ka

are u single? haha...

wait. no thats not the topic for today, just that in another 29 minutes its valentines..
now valentines.. when...
all my guy friends with their gfs, all planning something big for the day. one friend spent 400 to buy a cosmetic bag and different key chains from america. .. only to realise he couldn't buy it due to some billing address problem.
the remaining 3 of us that are single + 1 more who didn't come today...cos he on mc. haha
talk about games, and more mundane stuff that doesn't relate to valentines one bit.
so anyway in our extremely secular world today.
1. money is important
2. so are people
3. our clothes? save them from ur burning house?
4. how the world views u versus ur true self.

so anyway this ex jss student wished me happy valentines just today. and said she's not supposed to wish me tt. golly she's sec1 only. 1. i don't see any reason why she shouldn't be able to wish someone happy valentines. e S*S teachers are getting kinda... caught up with world issues too. mebbe they always have been. maybe parents aren't doing their jobs well these days. you'll never understand things like this, and u'll never have much of a say. when can adults live in humility?
but they're human as well. i'm judging too much lately i realise. perhaps i'm not as close to God as i should be. for each and every person, there is a different level of faith. after a while, its not how much devotional time u put in everyday, its not how much quiet time u spend each day. and people don't realise that. faith alone is so special it relies on something much more important. heart..... so tts faith. its a gift as well. yet love is the greatest gift of them all...
so once again, in this extremely secular world, love has taken on an identity so material. thus the importance of valentines day. over christmas, and easter and so many other days.

i sense a deep rooted anger at the world in me. as people sign up and join for Singapore Idol, u wonder why. fame, fortune, in the end thats what its all about isn't it? once again tim's stance on hypocriticism seeps in. its true. yet how many of us are perfect, and i can't afford to nit-pick.

so anyway i was teaching my JSS kids on the holy spirit and i think i really managed to break through to them and they learnt a lot this time. at least some of them. thats e nature of the class, they learn if they are keen on learning, but ultimately they do =) haf to say bye bye to Uncle Lai Yong's daughter Amber as she moves back! but really, she's been a breath of fresh air. really, focus on God.... i'm impressed not just by her knowledge, her faith but also with her attitudes to life. only pri-6. so young, yet her values, her character is so much stronger than many adults today.

by the way i'm turning 21 soon. i still struggle to cope with my introversion. *happy-go-lucky*, hardworking, ambitious. just some of the terms my friends used to describe me....
after so long. after going through so many things....
i feel... i've lost a certain spark in me. and i wonder why.
i still can feel e essence of the flame within me, yet it seems to be sheltering itself from e rain....
thus my moods lately.
my cynicism has over-ridden me. and i fall back into the depths of the human-ness in us all.

in a way i feel like calling sharon now since she offered that help-line. how can i feel so stifled and stressed by things around me? that i get affected by all the little things that i don't like around me. yet i know my imperfections. and i set such high standards. yet knowing the higher up u are, the harder u fall. and once again the qn is why?

i'm really starting to see the uniqueness of certain people around me right now....
and how the rest just fall into typicality.
can u call urself different? no u're just the same as the worldly person. the secular person.
yet some of u are special. can u see that?
take pride in that. though u might not excel in e world, u excel in e spiritual realm and thats all the more important. u are special because u are unique. because u shun the norm
and being called normal is not the way to go.
cos we are special, and identify urself with that.
that u have a special path


and perhaps after it all....
i'm running on that one experience...
how far can faith carry one through?

love does not manifest itself much in the world today. not true love anyway.

i don't fit in... in some way or another.
not into this world....
tt bugs me so much.
and i don't know why i feel this way.

while u look at the world this way, have u ever wondered how many ways there are to look at the world, yet perhaps u look at the wrong world... that like the "matrix" perhaps u're living in an illusion, and the truth comes only when u pull e plug.
living in imperfection, realising it.
looking at perfection, and longing for it.

Who has seen the wind? Neither you nor I but when the trees bow down their heads, the wind is passing by.
(Christina Rossetti)

=Get Real! catch it on CNA mondays and Wednesdays at 830pm=

john went off

oh today went to send john off to australia...
poor guy, no friends came, only family, no wonder he told me before blood is thicker than water
then u think.....
and u understand...
in this secular world, people just look at outward appearances. in a way thats why John doesn't have that many friends
met up with Reynard today, and well =) so happy he might return.. and i might play an important part in my friend life, in building up his spiritual life and faith =)
perhaps its a turning point in his life, and i'm glad i'm there to make a difference. it was a great day today, just spending time with him, just me and him... best buddies from church... its been a long while since i felt that church held something personal for me....

my birthday is coming, yet i'm not sure what i want
only think i can think of is perhaps... how i want u to grow closer to God and embark on that spiritual and personal journey with God.

Valentines is coming and i have no date, as usual. haha who cares. well
its valentines, mebbe friendship day is more important. though it lies on the same day.
what do i want in a girl...? just for her to be nice and care for me. spiritual, love God, down to earth... is tt all? well what i'm aware of anyway.
just silently waiting for tt girl right now....
whenever she comes. valentines is such a sweet day....
when people get married, and people show love. was reading a newspaper article about it. and how they say that romance is gone yet all the sweet ways people show love for one another....
i guess the most romantic thing is to be happy, thats it.
eternal happiness has no greater conquerer.....
but it stems from eternal love.
so anyway its a super social, secular thing once again, so we should always focus back on God in e end...thats what life is about.

so anyway God is giving me encouragement in my life and i must thank him, and give all glory to him, all u people out there... realise that. for me, my spiritual experience is like no other.... and is the most defining point of my life..... perhaps thats why i'm blesssed with the gift of faith as well =) well... yeah God is out there, for u..

knees

my knees are hurting again... not a good sign.
something must be wrong.
oh well
life. genetics. blame who?

apparently that issue cropped up in the nba as well
comparing sweetney to shawn marion.
why one can't run at all though he trains so hard, while one can run without stopping at high speed for the entire game.

i like e ...

i like e uncool, and e unfunky, and the unpopular

nicer people.
tts what i call them .

bored

bored. sitting down at home, watching tv, playing comp. listening to my parents bicker
hahahaaa......................
going a little crazy.
show i'm watching is taking lives which is this freaky show about a serial killer
really its quite gd
watched a few gd shows lately, jeux d'enfants esp.
oh well...
kinda happy in this world i've built up for myself lately. undisturbed by the world.
alone in solitude.... with my comp......
i'm on appear offline mode most of the day....
don't really bother to ans sms these days, or msg and ask people to go out
kinda reverting to what i was a few years back. don't know if its gd or bad...
well birthdya coming but i can't care 2 hoots about it. think if people really bother they'll just give me a present anyway right
duno who and when to celebrate it with.. duno whats the meaning of celebrating it either.
wish some of my gd friends overseas were back to celebrate it with me...
so is solitude good? sure feels that way, yet it feels a little empty.
silent devotion.
starts now....

something a little more holy... Jehovah... will you take up your cross and follow him?  

reflections?!!.... think tts what girls look like after clubbing 

reach for e stars..... perhaps, perhaps  

evil-boy.  

ay, i really don't understand much

i really don't understand much....
i think i'm not tt sane anymore.
roller coaster rides may be good, but perhaps all the extreme changes in gravity does something to your brain.
so i really don't understand alot. and perhaps. u can tell me what u mean
i don't understand myself either
i think i'm going crazy. nothing really seems shocking anymore.
my brain feels like its overworked, like its gonna blow.
maybe it is.
soon i'm gonna fly up and look down at the earth below,
mebbe i'm destined to be a "higher being"
does that exist?

and suicidial thought 1.
i think i would be quite happy to die on my 21st birthday.

*slaps head*
wake up la matt.

ay... i fell asleep accidentally again.
but then now cannot sleep cos i think i had too many thoughts in my mind....
like about birthdays and all.
cos mine is coming up.
plus i have the sniffles too.

sorry woo

sorry woo.
really think i have a lot of sorries to say.
nay, i'm really insecure u know, i really don't trust anyone, i don't really want to treat anyone nicely anymore. you know when i try to do that, it always turns out wrong. perhaps the best friends i've made are friends that i haven't been nice to.
and sometimes when i treat some friends nice, i always get let down, and because of that the friendship just breaks down, and too many friendships have broken down for me. and to me, as i sat on the toilet bowl today, i realised how much friends have meant to me throughout my life..
and its not just now. the days when david and i hung together all day and we always gave each other stuff no matter where we were, no matter how much money we had, and like parties wouldn't be complete without each other. yet its kinda lost now.
perhaps it was through jc when only friends like sylvia was really there every step of the way, when everyone was missing that i lost hope in guy friends, yet its people like you, tim and goose that have really lit back that spark in my life. perhaps i've learnt too much from harry in the way i treat friends, having spent 2 entire jc yrs with him. how he treats the people he likes the most, in the most critical manner, like a parent does a child.
so i'm sorry, i realise i've been mean, yet its cos i don't want to get hurt.
so do not misunderstand me please.
i'll try to be really nice now. yeah i can be really nice, i'm sure u know that.

sometimes. not everyone can make be a best friend and i have to realise that.
we're all imperfect. we all don't get along as well as we all should, for God's greater good.
so just felt i had to say sorry.
i don't think i'm good, i'm definitely not capable. in fact thats why i show it off so much, i put in so much effort to do my best all the time, cos i feel i'm nothing without the effort. that i'm just some ordinary guy. i'm so much more fragile beneath. yet everyone misunderstands... when can anyone see it. i criticise everyone that criticises others cos i know no one deserves the criticism.

2 sides of me...
one so outspoken, so enthusiastic, so nonchalant, so extroverted and sociable, so ego and confident... and optimistic and capable, mathematically sound mind, with a keen mind withextravagant critical thoughts. the loud, the one that always speaks his mind and argues for rights. the leader. the fore-front. the one that has no meaning for me.... a side that everyone just needs to see.

yet the other side that stays quiet all the time.. that ponders, thinks, struggles, introverted personality that wants to be left alone, insecure, pessimistic, insecure, low-confience, artsy, creative person that keeps everything within, that mis-trusts everyone, that waits and waits... just for life to end. the physical life. the one that is gentle and meek, and never angers. that prefers to watch everything around him move and change....
thats' really me... can u see it..? when u fully understand me, perhaps.. =)