its thinking season

its thinking time again, and i can't seem to stop e chain of thoughts...


i think about the weather
i think about the things people say and realise never all of it can be said to be totally right
i think about God
i think about my JSS kids and what they're doing at the moment
i think about my friends
i think about my future and wonder whats it going to be like
i think about the decisions i make and realise i might be making the wrong one
i think and ponder whether child-like faith makes you childish
i think about who is really e childish one
i think about myself and wonder if i'm a messed up person in this world
i think about others and wonder if they're the messed up people in this world
i think cynically about people and how they seem to be
i think whether i'm jealous at others when they seem to have so much going for them
i think and look at myself and wonder where did i step wrongly, or where am i stepping wrongly
i think about the tv show and wonder if its an accurate portrayal of life
i think about the people i meet and wonder why they do this and that
i think about what i really want in life
i think about what i did and ponder whether it was the best thing to do
i think about how others are,and wonder why we are all different
i think about the rain and wonder why it comes
i think about science and religion
i think about life, and wonder where it is leading to
i think about past relationships and how they have broken down
i think about the people i've met throughout my life and realise how many are still around
i think about the future relationships i have
i think about the girl i want to be with next time
i think about how we'll meet and how things will shape out
i think about my spiritual walk
i think about other's spiritual walk
i think about my birthday ideas.
i think about how parents bring up their children
i think about food
i think about exercising and how i should be exercising
i think about how everyone has changed
i think about the people i see around, and realise how out of the loop u can be
i think how i can be nicer and improve myself
i think of the birthday presents i can give
i think about my finances
i think about how i ignore people, for my own reasons
i think about why i do this
i think and dream of the future, yet think about how jaded it all looks after a while
i think about my parents and family and wonder why it couldn't be perfect
i think about perfection
i think about thinking some more and wonder why i cannot stop
i think and struggle with people
i think and stare at the sky
i think about the heavens
i think and wonder why i can't stop thinking, and why my emotions are getting affected
i think and think and keep thinking, why why why....
i think and wished life would be simpler and perhaps i think too much it stresses me so
i think and listen to the jingle bell rock song....
i think about the way i was brought up
i think about why did i have to meet people who has altered my life
i think about the wrongs i've done to others, and the wrongs others have done to me
i think and sigh of the mistakes i've made
i think and sigh of the mistakes others have made
i think about the hypocritical society
i think about the successes of the ministries
i think about the missionaries and applaud them for the good works they have done
i think and wish how everyone could be perfect.
i think and look at myself and see all the imperfections
and i think about whether there really is someone out there
i think about the girl next door
i think about the light that shines in every dark corner
i think about Jesus and the bible
i think about the festivities and my relatives
i think so mucha bout how i cannot accept the fact that we're living in an imperfect world
i think and sigh, cos i know my life is going awry
i think and believe...in my values, my principles and my religion
i think and know there is hope out there
yet i think and think and know this thinking never ends,
and i think and i know how my feelings and my soul and heart all play a part in my thinking
and i think and wish somehow that perhaps the world might be ending
and i think and know perhaps i'd be wishing and wishing...
and think and realise perhaps its a long wait...
and i think of how many people go through the thinking struggle like me everyday
and think of those that do not
and i think and realise, its me....
thinking of all e blessings God has given unto me
and thinking all the hurt that i've experienced
yet thinking of all the wonderful friends i;ve had,
and thinking of all the people that don't mean a thing to me
and thinking how i know where this thinking all ends
that is thinking about You, God.
and thinking about how this cycle starts all over again...

bless e rain

an interesting thought came to me today.....

while we thank God for the rain that comes, and sometimes we thank him for keeping the skies clear
what if God answered everyone's wish....
could that little 1 minute shower be for the girl who needs to hide her tears?
could that one hour of rain be for someone who's feeling down?
that every little thing that happens is for someone out there...
just for that one special person that God loves and takes care of?

that we should thank god for the little drop of rain that falls from the sky, because that one little drop could be for someone who needs it...
yet we thank God for that one ray of sunshine, for the hope it might bring to a downcast heart....
that we understand though our plans might be ruined, that we might get drenched,
that we know deep inside, every little raindrop was meant for something... it was meant for someone.

i just watched girl next door...
and the phrase "i liked e way u look at me" really stood out...
and i always wondered why sometimes girls can't see the true love that one shows for another... from that little twinkle in e eye, or from the way they look at her.
that while everyone looked at elisha chubert with sexual intent, that one guy stood out for his true love, and how beautiful and wonderful it turned out...
thats so "fictional world".... but.. wouldn't u want it to be that way

just went visiting the entire day today and oh i'm so tired..
and today doens't feel like the usual sunday we have....
yet its chinese new year.
CNY.
and my "fu" is placed the wrong way up.

ya know

ya know....
i haha treat some people so harshly and some people so nicely.....
but i think people understand at the end why i do it........
though i always get misunderstood....
i have my impressions of people, while we're not to judge.......
good and evil does show itself in many visible ways.
so perhaps its more of discernment

on another note. its claire's dear birthday soon...
haha not sure what to do.

and hmm my tuition student's parents want me to return teaching their kid
yet i don't feel like it....
like i said, i've formed impressions and its hasrd to change these impressions, and living and going against my conscience has never turned out right, ever.
i feel like taking the opportunity from this post to say sorry to a lot of people....
think... well =) i just wish u all e best, and just know that i'm here ....
though i do not agree on a lot of things,
whether its stuff that u do,
things that u are...
like any relationship, i've accepted everything.
so yup. of course i struggle with it everyday, or everytime i meet it at least.
but at the end of the day... its something more than tt

wondering what everyone is doing.....
haha i think i have started another phase of computer games.
not exactly e best thing to do in e world. but i don't have tt much to do.
and playing helps me take my mind off things, helps me to relax and focus.

but i must continue reading my book, continuing my quest for knowledge..
the quest to understand more about the world...
can't wait for army to end
as it stands, i have 3 full weeks of army. the rest are broken up weeks. which means weeks with 2 or 3 working days
it feels good having 2 weekends per week. think i'm really gonna enjoy myself
trying to aim for an excellent grading for my army term. most people get good. but think i'm close =).... but i must remain humble about it... i tend to get a little proud sometimes....
i've been talking to the heads of the different branches lately and i think from army, i've earned much more than just what everyone gains, but i feel i've make meaningful connections with people... with adults.... with my bosses..
today one of the heads said how she wanted to call me when she needs help solving her son's maths questions. only pri 5 yet... =)
well.. ya i'm so glad to help...
so thats what i really have gained, of cos not with eveyrone, but with some people...
eric, fish, rabbit, mam yeo, ms pecks, rayner... ya perhaps after i ord i'll visit them.
cos really .. they've been part of 1/10 of my life so far...
thats 10%. my last yr resolution has really been so fruitful... meaningful relationships. it carries on this year, but it won't be my main focus...

my army term has been like a wine, it gets better as it ages.

so anyway...
my mum's birthday today. Happy Birthday Mum.

Also my birthday coming soon ... =)

liv..

i want liv tyler.
tommorrow is my mum's birthday.
my dad forgot.

SIGh.
oh well....
give me liv for my bday.
i no need anything else !

"wait for someone who loves u for who u are, for u to be truly happy for the rest of your life"

i just wonder

i'm not so irritated and angry anymore...
feel so cheery now...... yet its kinda cos i'm away from everyone now.. by personal choice
tt makes me feel lonley....
but yet happy , cos i'm carefree.....
and its a rare moment when i'm like this...
meanwhile... wondering where emmy's blog is.. cos i wanna read it
SIgh. wonder where she is.....

such a jerk. i am sometimes.

nooo..

=p she cancelled on me...
oh well there's plenty of chance, she's treating me to dinner though.
haha oh well..
sigh today......
what do u do when friends are not tt nice?
when they can just do that little bit to help u but they choose not to
and it doesn't even seem to bother them one bit.
selfish ambitions?
what do u do if ur friend is selfish? is he/she worth having?
oh well... thank God for the others anyway

i'm kinda sad/sickened/irritated....
yet i know at the end of it all, i must still love those around me.

bottled up..

as an introvert.. i tend to bottle up my feelings, my thoughts, my sadness, my anger...
i leave it there, all capped up. away from e world.
many feel i'm extroverted.. perhaps cos of my outlook on life....
yet deep inside me, i'm struggling to break free...

so disappointed with everyone,
somehow u wish everyone was perfect....
that no one would walk out.
that they all take the session with such interest and at least some form of respect
somehow u wish how people would not just go where they're happy to be...
God never always calls us to a happy place.
he calls us to where we are needed by Him. where we can be tools of his ministries and work for his glory....
yet it becomes so hard
and i realised its so much easier to let go of all of it.
to step out of the cycles... to step out of the suffering and the pain that comes each and every day.
why do u expect so much from everybody?!
don't u realise they're imperfect?
why can't i accept that?
yet i do not have perfect knowledge of what a perfect man is to be like...
Socrates said " the only thing i know is that i don't know anything"
why ?? why is always the question that plagues me

why did dear sharon suddenly give me a nice beanie monkey for nothing..?
such a pleasant surprise ... and such a right time for me...
that perhaps brought a smile, brought some sparkle back into me
to see that she treasues me in such a subtle way.....
what can i say?

but yet its all back to bottled feelings and how i live alone,
misunderstood, misinterpreted....
and perhaps i wished i could break free of all expectations, of all obedeince, and be imperfect....
yet, tt spark has not died... it just grows so dim

going to my jc class party...
what meaning is there for me there? can't life be full of meaning for everyone
i want to have fun too... but how can i have fun when i know its all short-lived.
and life is so much fuller of misery.
why do i go every year, to a party, to meet accquaintaces.. to people that cheish not me, but each other, don't i feel left out of the loop enough?
is it in the hope that perhaps..."somewhere out there..." lies a hidden treasure waiting for me?
or am i just living in delusion?
that i share all this with my classmate, but i don't come out of it feeling any better?
yet Chris has been such a wonderful person, an encouragement to me....
a good friend, a nice person....
someone a little closer to perfection.

as an introvert.
i'll be the hardest person to understand in the world, just like all the other introverts out there...
all of us, that are filled with hope, yet conceal it all within, filled with passion, yet afraid to show it. but where does that put us in the world?

and why isit... i feel the same way in church....
besides the odd few that really care... is my church not meant for me?
am i meant to leave the youth ministry? am i meant to grow up?
am i meant to enter into the depths of adulthood before everyone else?
that i feel more of a sense of belonging with my kids parents than my contemporaries...?
i don't understand... is my destiny meant to be something so different? my calling so special?
don't leave it to fate. leave it to God. yet we all know fate comes from God. the plan he has for us, yet we must be careful with what we say....

remember. if u think u are perfect, where are u in comparison to JEsus..
if u think u are good, where are u in comparison to JEsus....
can you say u will always do what JEsus did? no we're imperfect. and now i am struggling with my own imperfections.
yet we all know Jesus struggled as well...

my niche in God's Sovereign plan.. is different from all others.
while we see the imperfection in his creation
we live in his perfect plan for us.
as long as you believe....

you will be rewarded in heaven...
our life is short, eternity begins when it ends....
a reason to be optimistic...
and perhaps a reason for an introvert to feel happy.

phuket!

so i'm feeling really free now, duno why... now i just seem to want to do other more fun things, like watch a movie, join my friends. i dun really feel so tired anymore.
spent quite a bit today on dinner, but had a gd time with woo and tim !
sigh they're really understanding, i kinda made us look bad ... like trying to use my dad's card to pay for a RTC meal when it wasn't allowed but i wasn't sure. but they just stuck with me like it didn't make much of a difference, and our dinner, wherever it was, was more important.
think thats one of the biggest positives tt came out of ns.
but think i should treasure money more.. haha though it was well spent!
anyway.. like so i think we're going to phuket.. i missed the last trip that they went on....
didn't really feel like it then due to other stuff i had on, and cos i went for another trip.
really think that these last 2 years has defined my life ....
in terms of friends and relationshps and really plays a huge part in what i am today.
@ e end of the day, i look at what i have now and i can smile so brightly.
things i've let go... i do not regret, and perhaps... i can say that i've built up something for myself that cannot be taken away, and something that i could never be happier with.
i look at some people around me. and perhaps i see myself in them... my old self that is....
times of unstability, of immaturity.
i'm thankful i've grown up, grown out of my shell....
become who i am. i've learnt much, much about people.
every moment of my life i learn...
there are good people out there, people like poh, peopl like jj, like goose. while gullible, yet good.
there are those who aren't so good, yet they make up for it in other ways.
there are those that are nice. like tay, like paul.
there are those that are not so nice
there are those who have a kind heart... like jocelyn, and me and li quan agree tt we think she's the nicest girl around, ever... pity i don't think she'll ever read this.
there are those who are self centered....
there are those who are magnaminous...
those that are extreme socialites
those that have 2 sides to them, like jason.
yet those who are introverts and think and ponder about the world, like woo
there are the intellectuals, and the bimbos.
there are the fun people, and the serious people
tere are people that care much about others,
yet people that just care about themselves...
so many people...
people that are shy, and people that are outgoing.
people that last, people tt don't
people that i ultimately cherish, and those tt i don;t =)

u noe.

u know...
today i realised the wonderfully splendid time i had in IAC.
Made good friends, met nice people.....
got a taste of working life, learnt about my capabilities,
learnt how to survive...
identify myself with others...
identify myself in the SAF.
the job is great... yet ORD looms...
and once again its all about adapting to changes....
and tt scares me...
on another note.... looking forward to CNY. so much happening...
really wonder sometimes.
haha... whether one small decision could change my life.
like whether to message or not.
don't think it matters.
i'm starting to think i'm over-confident, which is good, it means i can actually identify with my flaws. well.. hope i don't accidentally and unknowingly like say mean things to anyone i treasure.
sometimes i think i do, kinda insensitive. but.... i duno, usually i am sensitive. guess it just helps me feel more secure. well. sorry. i always like to think i still give the impression tt even if i say mean stuff, u still know i treasure u.
so anyway watching america's top model now. and like tt lisa ... super confident, she's sucha a pain.... the importance of humility.. i kinda like kyle.. shes' tall, pretty, and seems nice all round.
anyway.. just asked someone out to watch a movie with me... =) and she agreed !
i hope it goes well, really looking forward to it.
"memoirs of a geisha" ....
how excited. haha.. better not show it.

tts it

and those are the pictures.. hope u like them =)

"think others better than urself" its a gd philosophy to live by.
thus i take back how people have serious problems cos they don't, could be just me...

u know... as the new year progresses, would really like to take a moment out of everything....

take a breather....

kinda disappointed with people now....

not just anyone.. but with people....

e more u involve urself, the more u get hurt....

is that a sign from God?

no. life is not easy.

it never has been....

yet we live for him, in his service.

i miss some people right now but i'm probably too proud to admit it.

hope u enjoyed e photos. ask for more.

and sometimes... u know there's always a candle in e dark... =)  

watsss thatt?!  

help her.  

duno if anyone remembers this but.. =) ya me!! and my ns life... its been a joyous 2 years there, many fond memories.. and some people i'll never forget for being part of it. woo, tim, inchik eric, master jon, sg allan, staff ong, mam yeo, poh, leow, etc.. the list goes on...!  

liv... e distant dream 

-team spirit- 

cg29 -meta-! sometimes, things do happen  

e cutest dance around... rem the nights we had so much fun dancing at e road  

tts me!  

-e JSS contingent- 

my litte friend jumping for joy! =) what an inspiration  

-e dingbat club- 

-e winning group-! 

sometimes u don't really know what to say....

u know... in my quest for knowledge, LT jeyachandran really opened up perspectives when i talked to him... It is practically impossible for a devout christian to study philosophy i realise. all your answers are there, by faith. anyway... i'm still learning about all e different philosophies, and they have proven really useful. anyway, he mentioned about the gap of knowledge between us and God, and in our imperfections, we can never reach it and thus will never understand all the mysteries of the universe and of ourselves. So, you'll never answer questions from an objective point of view, but with faith, it is a presupposition.

anywya its hard knowing you're imperfect.

k... today my friend, goose, asked me who i was hanging around with these days, and i realise its no one in particular besides my camp mates. bummer. haha really looking for people to be there all the time sometimes.
on another note, i see people around me all becoming closer and closer to God! and i'm so happy...
got a note for my friend on friendships =) cheer up cos some of the friendships u have around are the best in the world! build on tt. many people don't know what its all about...
why just recently, i realised everyone, almost everyone i've met tell me how friendships in jc have not lasted and have all broken down....
like oh well. i would say.... definitely learning experience for them =)
yeah...
so i finally reached certain agreements with some people which is gd. i realise i like most people. yet those people i don't like must have serious problems.

looking forward to the dingbat's choir performance on friday! !
proud and glad to be part of it.

k putting up some photos now.

and god is the centre of the universe?

A pertinent question faces us all. IS there a God, are there many gods, or are there none at all? That divine being, having attibrutes unseen in mankind - for instaance, infinitude, immutability, eternity, goodness, knowledge, omniscience and omnipotence. A mystery? Perhaps. We can only have limited knowledge of God, due to the nature of our existence and the limited capacities of our minds. Yet, together, we have formulated different conceptions of philosophies of God. In the Age of Enlightenment, mamy people came to doubt the existence of this God. In response, Blaise Pascal argued that reason requires religious belief. Without reason, our existence only proves to be a meaningless matter. When the USE released the Hubble telescope that captured evidence of how stars from different galaxies changed colours, it proved the universe was expanding. If the universe is expanding, it would thus mean it is definite. And using the law of casuality. Everything that is definite requires a cause for it to exist. So how could a definite object exist with no definite cause? Which it does. The answer had to be a cause that was infinte. It had to be self-existent, immaterial, timeless and non-spatial. What fitted these attributes? Perhaps this answer is clearer now. Yet to many religious believers, God is not a philosophical God, not one that needs to be defined, rather one that is personal, felt by each individual. And thus reason for our consciousness. We need to feel and experience him. This is the basis of God, a God of faith, and now thise would give ample reason for our existence. There is no explainable reason how and idea of God could arrive in our minds, from nothing. Although the conceptions of God has varied considerably, depending on historical period, culture, and sects, a belief in Holy Divine Being in some sense has been predominant in almost all societies. This belief has been challenged, yet no one can wholly deny Him. Sad to say, the proportion of unbelievers has risen, most likely due to the advancements in science, which has uncovered and help mankind understand more and more mysteries of the world; added to that, the emphasis of living a life, rather than living itself. Perhaps the ony major evidence believers have in God would be textual, such as the bible and the Koran. This has been backed up with archaeological evidences. Especially the bible, and the existence of these texts are undeniable. With the discovery of the Dead sea scrolls, the bible has found much more evidence to back its claim as the one truth. However, it is amazing to see the many similarities between the different books of the many different religions. The bible, which talks about JErusalem and other places, has definiteve backings in the form of city ruins still standing today. Definitive evidence? The medieval scholastic theologian St Anselm argued that the very idea of a being that whom no more perfect can be conceived entails his existence, for existence is in itself, an aspect of perfection. Five other proofs of existence he proposed are as follows. Firstly, that the fact of change requires an agent of change. Secondly, that the chain of causation needs to be grounded in a first cause that is first uncaused. Thirdly, the contingent facts of the world (facts that might not have been as they are) presupposee a necessary being. Fourthly, one can observe of gradation of things as higher and lower, and this points to a perfect reality and the top of the hierarchy. And lastly, the order and design of nature demand as their source, a being possessing the highest wisdom. Moral life does need God's existence for it to make sense at all! Many will not believe. The notion of the modern world of "seeing is believing" perhaps blinds them from this fact, but the probability of his existence is undoubted. A probablity of all the reasons, compounded with the archaeological and literal evidence and religious experiences. Yet, this belief is as the bible so states it. It is an act of faith.

and fate has so much part to play...

fate has a big part to play in each of our lives, and i realise that.
there's no point trying to get to know people if they don't want to let you know them.
same thing, no point letting people read your blog if they don't want to read it.
thats fate. there are those who do.
so wait. can't be our lives is all about fate?
u know whether one is good looking, whether one likes someone else and all thaT? tt can't be fate. or is it?
so so many questions plague our universe. like why is something like this and not the other.
today my parents were commenting how life is short, and they've lived 3/4 of their lives away, and how its going to end and everything is going to pass soon. and like after a while, things pass.. and u just keep moving on, looking forward to the end.
no wait correction. beginning.
so thats a gd stand to take, i realise. some things not meant to be, just keep moving on and stop pushing it into the corner!
so anyway.. i met my meta group, and they're a great bunch, once again. pity grace couldn't join us. kinda miss her. she didn't even reply sms-es. trust her to last minute come up with something. anyway pearlyn came!! tt was great. . really.... great. spent some alone time with tu ha and barnabas too! which was great too =) enjoyed their company. some real people. wish i could talk to them more often. and saw william and realised his sister is the dear sarah cai! haha who i am really impressed by! cos she was such a great group leader of my group. she's an intellectual, smart, confident. destined for great things, and very sensisble girl also =) haha but her bro hates her
anyway... ya i starting my own self-study on theology and philosophy now... so will update frequently about my thoughts and my findings.. =) look out... watch out... find out.

i should blog

ohhhhh... today was a great day. i met this great hair stylist called James Wong!
he's so cool. he's like haha i duno i'll go there and cut my hair one day.
he's a really really nice guy thats cool. thats rare.....
went out with kevin and tim today, to orchard to watch tim cut his hair.. tt was different....
then we went to this jap restaurant for the best jap food ever.. almost e best anyway.
yeah.. so fun today. i enjoyed it, didn't stay out too late also.

oh well was thinking again.. almost got a golden retriever today, someone took it like a few hours before i did! so sad! but oh well....

not really thinking much these days, i think its becos i'm happy, so like i only do the usual thinking that doesn't affect me much. cos i dun wanna get bogged down by unhapiness.. so i think about work and all... so anyway...

tts why i blog less...

but on another note. i duno why but today i actually wondered. what is the need of church again.
like would i be happier out of church? haha i look at my friends around me. U KNOW !.... oh well but i enjoy JSS....
oh... then there's YAG. and like seems like everyone is having different visions for it
everyone wants to keep it around, yet so many want to break off from YAG. then u wonder. really. there isn't a need for YAG. then like! what am i doing? why does everyone work in different directions and just tear it apart? can't we all work towards a common goal ? i guess.....
i don't know but, its so mcuh trouble and i think i need to Jimmy about it.
really..... sometimes i just wonder about the different people... and i so feel like judging them but i won;t.... but really! i don't understand people...
can't everyone be u know..... can't everyone and everything work out perfectly like its supposed to

my friends in camp jsut read God and the Athetist.and it was great for them. somehow they have a certain level of understanding of christianity and the faith and slowly they're starting to believe and understand it. =) very happy for them. but sometimes i just think how perhapos like how the way they see things and view things, really works out. for them. and like even that nice stylist i know. it just seems they are so much more "real" than those in church.....

so like is it a consequence of the way things are at church, how people lead double lives? a portrayal of what they should be from what they really are ? I kinda think so. this is kinda a new revelation, no wonder... and like when grace mentioned it. i didn't think about it. but it kinda strikes me now. wonder if its a god given revelation. but... i will know in due time about that. think its true...

its hard to stay good isn't it =)

just like its so hard not to say d-a-m...
but i challenging myself not to, out of respect to ms cherlyn . =)

why i sleep so much in camp...

i think people don't understand why i sleep so much in camp...
yes i'm tired, really i find it hard staying awake.
yeah i have late nights most of the time. but its an excellent way to pass time in camp also.
golly i'm not proud of it. i rather stay awake. don't like feeling so lazy.
mostly though, i think its because i think too much. it makes my mind all the more tired
plus i have been eating less... and a lot more other reasons. really i'm trying to catch up on sleep all the time.. i sleep late, and wake up early, so there's been lots of sleep piling up the last 2 years....

anywya this year, acs(i) has started taking in girls. on tuesday (the 1st day of school), i saw 2 girls. one was a hot eurasian that was slouching against the pillar in a mgs uniform, the other was this girl loitering around waiting for some guy. today, wednesday, i saw another 2 girls. think they were trackers. they looked good. though they seemed a little older than 17 years. okay, so anyway its more interesting seeing girls around, the whole culture of the school has seemed to change, nowadays, i see more boys loitering and staying back.. for obvious reasons i bet. haha its less private for me i guess... but who cares.
it actually makes life here more palatable. more of a joy. at least its amusing.
no one knows who i am yet though. but i bet they're wondering.. like who's this guy who comes in all the time with an army uniform.
me the prince of ACS(i)... what an interesting life.

today, my camp mates also passed around the book. God and the Atheist. think thats how u spell it, either that or its athetist. argh my english has so detoriated. anyway, its good they read that book and recognise there's a God, thats a beginning. just waiting for faith and love to come into the picture... thats gonna require some time.... invitation always open though, for them to come to church.

which brings me to another thought. i was thinking of asking my cell group... "why do you come to church?" i know some of them come for friends and all.. then u put that into perspective, definitely not the reason why u come to church. its not about whether your friends are around, or whether its convenient, or whether u can make friends here. its more than tt. social... i heard that a few times lately. think God is trying to send me a message. perhaps my church is becoming increasingly social, yet so are quite a few churches in Singapore. definitely a cycle each church goes through. i'm terribly mature, in the spiritual sense; much more than my years. And i have a very different outlook about the whole idea of christianity and the christian life and all compared to many others. not perfect of course. and still definitely teachable... but mature. so anyway, was wondering.. is it better to discourage people from coming to church if they come for the wrong reasons, at perhaps spoil the image of the church, or encourage to come in the hope that they'll wisen up, and perhaps build up the church... such confusion... God will show a way....
perhaps Divine Intervention will play a part here.

in another sense, i realised how i have to be really much more self-centered. it feels much better. i dun get so sad or depressed all the time. but yet, this will be a side i'll show to most people. inside me, will be a much more fragile person.... i'll be a treasure thats waiting to be found. for those that already found it, i'll bring them as much as i can, and share all the riches in my life with them. so anyway i was telling my friend about the type of girl i want. christian, nice, down to earth, and a deep kinda person. i need someone to thinks, and by down to earth i really mean down to earth, that stays down to earth despite all the compliments thrown to her. i want someone spiritually mature too... cos it makes a whole load of difference... the way they take life and treat others.

i'm actually looking to make new friends, but it always seems playing hard to get, gets u what u want more than trying to get. so like thats e whole pt of it all...
be e treasure that is waiting to be discovered. rather than search for the chest and find a bunch of seaweed.

111

111th entry....
its a new year.. once again
enjoying going to work these few days cos "big boss" is not around. well he is big boss, but he's not tt great.... just likes to see people working. like makes it seem like he's doing his job..
anyway...
looking around me at people in church. they're kinda growing up in all their different ways. struggling not to judge any single one of them, though i tend to, but only in my own thoughts cos of personal issues and all. you look around and u see each and every person and how they change... somethings never change, some always do... yet @ e end of the day its the kind of person they are. and i realise, tts what i struggle with so much... looking around me, i see people that my ego clashes with, i see people that i so want to be friends with, yet they have no interest whatsoever, i see people that wanna be my friends, yet i'm desperately trying to make space for them yet it seems so hard. guess its the same for everyone.

all thanks to woo, who has really done a lot, a whole big bottle of cookies filled with milo balls and a home-made tiramisu which tasted really great? i can't ask for more.... all that home-baked lovelinesss.... just for me as well =) don't i feel special! '

just did up my new diary today, and realise, that this year is going to pass by quickly. which is good.. i look at everyone reflecting upon last yr, and i just ponder. what was my last yr like too? overall at least? i think it was very very bad, thats cos i'm struggling with more and more things in my life everyday. i guess its all the tests i get in building and growing myself up to become a leader... shall be more consistent this year.

Read a "Dawn Yeo" interview from FHM that one of my camp mates brought in today, and immediately she was the talking point. Really, that if good looks matters that much to you, by all means go for plastic surgery. why are people getting jealous? i guess.... not many people believe in the "like me for what i am" anymore. anyway the way she talked about herself made a lot of sense. guess she's an intellectual smart blogger girl. which is gd, means she thinks and got her thoughts sorted out.

okay anyway went to tim's party on 30th. and well we were still talking about it. about how everyone got drunk and all, and how people during the party were and all. i don't enjoy drinking parties at all.... but i have to admit, it was quite amusing watching people get drunk, as long as nothing bad happens. well i left early anyway. showed nat the way to holland rd so she could get to town, she's cool.. i find her somewhat a rough diamond... everytime i see her, she kinda gives me a different impression, then there's the other girls there. just acquaintances.. duno how some people make gd friends so easily and all.. cos i seem to have a problem there.

my dad said "think everyone better than urself" that is a very very good statement that no-one follows and all these days. but yet its one of the fundamentalist ideas of christianity. yet there are few christians that follow it.

well kinda happy, i'm trying to build on my relationship with one of my very good friends i haven't met in a long time called kenny. think i let him down with my stupidity and immaturity long ago in JC, yet i've changed so much. he used to be much more mature than me and i see it now, yet perhaps thinks will be different at this point in time. he's a christian, so i guess we have tonnes in common =) what makes good friends???

so anyway i rejected the idea of working with nick in JSS.. i don't think i can handle working with someone that doens't share the same vision and ideals. remember my hypocrisy post i did a while ago? i think he epitomises it. very close to it anyway, the things he does, the things he says... i relaly duno what to say of it. i know the christian life isn't very appealing to many... and its way tough just living it, yet its a choice... rather than come to church and live a hypocritical life, i rather u not come at all. i really don't know if its only me that thinks that way. Well, i hope i can make a difference to the kids anyway. i hope nick does a gd job with the kids he teaches as well =) its a tough job.

so anyway i really can't stand it when people say things one way, yet what they show is another.. oh well, shouldn't bother with these people. i've felt sad enough about everything the lst year.... i can't afford to this year.
its my 21st year....
its meant to be happy and joyous....
the beginning of freedom

a gd theme for me. it just says everything about this year.
well the freedom of choice is an important aspect, i must make the right choices...

think i shall retreat to my own little corner for most of this year anyway.
i realise socializing isn't that great.
shall retreat into my own "aloof" self i was quite a few years back...
that was the happiest year of my life. sec3. but yet there'll be differences..
i'm still adaptable.

as the new year comes by... i'm looking forward to february, then april. for obvious reasons.

oh and cheers to CG29. i like grace. she makes me feel happy!