matt still in camp

well i actually have an 8 to 5 job, but im still in camp.
thats the nature of my job, when there's things to do there's things to do, and if it comes at night. i have to stay back
anyway i'm staying back to practically do 2 different things, to guard the office and to finish up the work that's coming in at 6pm... its like overtime but i'm gonna get off which is erally gd
anyway.... lets see.. =) welll.... today i was talking and 10 people in my camp came to hear me talk about my problems. hahaa.a... looks like i'm pertty interesting .... haha no its just that people are always interested to know more about other people's life.
okay so anyway this week was okay. i guess Boh just left today, but i guess there awsn't much i could say to her... really it was like i duno, just felt kinda distant. just like im feeling with most people right now.
but i think i'm making new friends and finding losts ones, really God provides so much... and its such a happy thing. well anonymous says should take my mind off myself. mebbe huh, well its like i guess maybe i'm too self-centered. so what should i write about then? other people?
like i guess there's pretty much happening to everyone out there...
like my friends from church, all busy with school or army. some in army, some going into army. wonder what life be like for them. actually u learn a lot of things in army, u learn like how people are. what kinda attitudes are the best, and how to spot character flaws. Well, think in army u end up not liking a lot of people and u end up liking a lot of people as well.. like people that have gd attitudes and help u out and those that think of others. and those that don't. thats the only fine line between them. and well.
so its like u got work to do, and u know who will be doing e work or helping u out and u know who won't be. so i think thats why my friend is getting pissed off lately...
u also know who u can count on and who u can't.... i guess that erally matters as well.
anyway to cut things short cos i'm going in circles.. haha well looks like army friends erally become some of ur closest guy friensd in life. there wont' be any to replace them, its like though we're all from different walks of life and of different education levels, after spending so long together and knowing that we really love each other and each other's company so much, u really feel how close u are to them....
well i guess not all this can be said for everyone, bcos of circumstances but i think for me, its like everyone i know now is new and we all started on a fresh slate. we all got to know each other from scratch, for who we are, seeing each and everyone in their true self in army... we know we're a great bunch. and i really have to thank god for that. - to tim, zhanwei, liquan, woo, kevin, jason, ruan, jj, derek, pung, lua, wang, marc, zhiyuan, poh, paul, etc. weeseng, boon yap, thash from bmt
waddya do without them ... they've spent 5 days a week 9 hours a day for the last 2 yrs with me.. kept me company when iw as bored, listened to all e crap i tell them, buy me food, eat with them, sleep with them, haha erM really er do crazy things like dressing up as transvestites *ahem*, haha bitching about the boss, teasing each other, going out, having fun...damnnnnnn ... oh well cannot forget goose who's been a friend for so DAMN long. well.. hmmm... haha how time flies!
so like my army friends
tim..
the guy who spends almost all the camp time with me cos we're both lone rangers, he from ops and i'm from training wing.. ! he installs all the games and we always play one on one. haha we share secrets, girl problems, fun, go out and eat, all the nicest eating places, car rides, and all! haha really treats his friends great and to great food as well... i used to think he was antisocial but well he just takes time to warm up to his friends and to choose his friends wisely... haha wish he was more holy and devoted though.. cos he's such a great guy but wish he would share my love for my erligion and faith. so he also a great WOW player. haha he likes girls that plays WOW too!
zhanwei,
the boob guy, haha all he looks at girls is boobs. all he talks about girls is their boobs too! but he holds my greatest secret in bmt, haha he holds all the photos, he's a adobe whiz though! he's damn cool, suffering from the side effects of a fake tattoo made in bali though. he's a nice guy, really capable and smart. haha ya almost my buddy in bmt. haha but quite a buddy now...
woo.
woo! from hc, he's a damn nice guy. haha but used to question his looks. haha always asking who i think moer shuai, he or this other guy, and i used to give him a lot of stick for him
but he really listens to everything i can pour out.. all the crap in my life, i cant ell him cos he's erally quite trustable...
oh well i gtg.. guess this has to continue another time
gdnight then.. =) seeya folks soon

hmmm stepping back

hmm... i think i have to resort and rethink out my life.
like so many things are/could be going wrong now.
hmm i'm trying to stem the tide.
well maybe i'ev been kinda immature at times, maybe i've said and done things that i shouldn't have. maybe i think too much u know!
well... but its not usual thing that i get pissed, unhappy yes but pissed?
well oh well its okay... i guess i'll take a step back and
well.... okay i'll say its my fault.
i'm willing to shoulder the blame, take responsibility for everything tt happened?
hmm well yeah... like i don't wanna be unhappy or angry.
so well... if u see me don't worry cos,
well anyway, yeah i'm not perfect, i do make so many mistakes i am so aware about and that was probably one of them.
perhaps its time to sit on the beach once again, alone and just think about everything that has passed in the last few days, to take stock of what i've done wrong, what ungodly things i have done, what i should do.its definitely time to pray once again.
well, i'm really just kinda blurred by everything going on. i'm in the shadows, unaware of almost everything happenign around me. and i gues its okay to stay that way.
perhaps one day i'll learn all about it....
ya...

bp

whats my boiling point? i always wondered, perhaps i'm reaching it.
i've certainly melted. thats fer sure.

so guess i kinda sorted out stuff

so i guess i kinda sorted out stuff... like i know what upsets me now
its like how people, how they make plans with u and it just doesn't happen for some reason or another, or like how it gets changed and u rather it the original plan....
"what if god was one of us? " would he feel the same way? of cos not... i wish i were Him sometimes, perfectly happy, perfect in every single way.
i guess 2nd thing would be like how i don't seem to matter in so many ways suddenly, like u feel like mr cellophane now. and how ur friends/classmates point out ur flaws and u're even more affected when u realise that perhaps ya ur flaws could be the things that put u in ur position on earth and how u're so hurt when people don't understand the things u've been through. and u struggle and struggle with it and nothing improves. Like when u realise how different people treat u differently and well u just wish u could just have one side of everything.
i guess well u go to join ur friends for dinner, after turning down anther one and they just ate without u, n u come and they dun offer u a seat but ask u go help them pack their food, and well...... u just be nice but u can't be nice all the time without feeling lousy about urself. and well....!! there's so many things, and well how they planned to go to ktv and like they just walk off without the original plan in mind, supposedly on decisions made when u're not around, and well.....;.. you feel sad cos it seems like u don't matter anymore and like.. well after all they haven't been talking to u very much, like not including u as a part of things now. so well don't u feel hurt, and like u tell someone ya....that u're unhappy and they just leave u alone to get happy urself, i guess its like what are friends for right.... like where's all the sharing of joy and sorrows, where's all the .... oh well.
i guess it hurts even more when people u really like and enjoyed just disappoint u while others just make u so happy... and like u wanna choose but u know u can't and u just can't leave either behind.
and well i know i have my ego, i know i have my inadequacies, well... i'm human, is suffer from all that human crap that u all go through as well. at my zest for life is really running low, my zeal is growing dim, and i really miss so many people right now........
and well...
i'm going for 1st service today, hopefully my expected company turns up.
wonder who anonymous is. cos i really don't understand what he/she means over there.
i look back at all e memories... and just being nice is so hard.
really nice guys finish last...
but who cares man.

mat.t.

dear matt... bo chup, bo chup a little....
why matt, why do u feel that way...? tell me why, think about it and tell me why...
like is it really u or is it them?!
don't u just sigh. like there's something not right....
matt dun think so much, dun think so much....
u might be right, u might not be right
but just let urself be guided....
SIGH
what a day.
i'm kinda down, really, really really....
like.. who cares right.

my friend just said...

" you're indispensible matt, in many different ways"
and he doesn't know about my blog, perhaps i've found my 2nd best friend.

e world is not about cuteness, not about gd looks, its not about being pretty, its relly about being happy...

needing some away time

i'm seriously needing some away time.
i know its like damn off to be having all this bouts of -edgy-ness- and all....
hmm... well i'm seriously thinking too much...
like today i went out with my friends and totally didn't enjoy myself
and though its probably some trivial things that got me so unhappy, it kinda boiled and grew into bigger issues..
and now' m in dillemma.....
like is it really big issues or is it just small worked things tt i'm getting all worked up abt....
so i'll post e next time...

matt

its all about me today.

like... what my friend always says and what i'll retain through my lifetime...

"you're perfect, even if not to others, to me"
who else will say that to me? Who else?

i won't EVER forget..
Forever cherishing.

typing again

hi! its time i wrote again, i think i took more than 2 days but nvm right.
so anyway life has been pretty good and bad lately?
good is good as in.. well i've been kinda enjoying myself and doing the stuff i enjoy doing, also like i guess things have been happening okay in my life. like i'm trying to go along with my feelings and intuition more in deciding what to do, rather than like doing something i'm unhappy about doing. which is in a way, kinda a phase like.... "girls and their pms-ing" no offence =)
well but mine is gd in a way, its like a "bo chup" phase where u don't think too much and things dun bother u as much as they usually do.
so ya gd side. bad side is that well...
got somethings i rather gone my way. hmm... oh well, was just thinking about people as usual, and thinking too much obviously. like hmmm how people always think of me as "just a friend"; but how sometimes i don't just wanna be a friend? but it always happens that way. i'm a guy too la! haha.. i like e way my friend puts it though "matt is just too cute" and he thinks being too cute results in u ending up like that. haha anyway my friend is a very gd friend (damn hot sommore, he has this girl that he thinks is so perfect for him chasing him, but he wants 5 years of the swinging single life and behing the nice guy he is, he's doesn't want her to wait) so i'm not gonna take any offence when he said that, but its quite flattering, though i don't think he meant it. Hhaha. Golly, so hmm i guess this week, i was getting happy about something, only to realise that i would get really really disappointed.. bummer. its over though so... lets get on with life right now.
trying to shake that bimbotic typing language when i write this but its not really happening. DAMN.
wonder if anyone will read this now. haha after such a long break.

day 5

hmm day 5. really uneventful day.
went for 40th ladies group anniversary too and had a nice high tea buffet over there
besides that, went to carrefour and bugis with my parents....
hmm.. don't feel like writing anymore.

2nd half of 4th day

the 2nd half.... well after the lecture we went for a superbly nice dinner..!!
at labrador park. well i'll bring whoever wants to treat me next time. think ame and shuhui really liked it.. its a great great great wonderful place with the best ambience u can find. plus its so nice and secluded really gives u a romantic feel to the place. then after that we went to Mt Faber...! whats with parks right! haha... 2. we then went to walk at the compass at faber point which is a little up the hill...! anyway well... ya they took bus back this time so i didn't have to fetch them though i rather fetch them but its really out of the way, cos i'm going back to dover today. well at this time they should be on the bus travelling back to the east. kinda hope their bus journey is okay! anyway we have plans to go on a cruise, to a spa, to hongkong, to US and UK, to other eating places; e.g. hoshi, lemongrass at bouna vista, holland v, marina steamboat, etc.. hope all these plans really pan out! REally hope it materialises. Esp the UK and US one...! go to Uk first then hop over to US... its all about the company... really love it.

4th day

hmm i can't keep e bloggin up, but i can try my best to continue with this funny thing i'm doing right now. BUT! its damn hard and its really really really so hard to do, especially for me. i mean for a while like a few days is okay but after that it gets really boring. HOw now?!
So anyway, wonder what i'm gonna do over the next few weekends. really nothing on. Like friends and all also not free which makes it really sucky. Hmmm......
So anyway today played paintball at singapore discovery centre which was really fun plus i hardly got hit, the bullets just whizzed past without touching me (my friend was watching was my witness) so i was shooting 3 guys at once. so fun. then i was lying in the bushes and i managed to get 5 direct hits on this same guy at the same place. anyway maybe this blog is agetting a little overpublicised once agian, and i don;t really like it that way. HMM i've got things to hide... i'm not totally honest u know ?! but i try to be. hmm, i can't really think of much else that happened today. it wasn't a very happy day i realised, cos it started off pretty crappy but got slightly better but never really great. Still thinking about engineering, i'm scared i'll get jaded by the gloomy surroundings of the engineering blocks in nus. SO how. future still hanging in the balance. Will consider again. So uneventful day. really. like i crashed my friend's lecture but the best thing about it was my friend and her lecturer which didn't make sense. Everything else didn't really appeal to me, especailly the environment. The environment is weird, not to my style. hmmm... shall really have to think about this one. BUT.... mebbe after a week or so. Talk about uneventful ya?!

the 2nd half of today.

the 2nd half of today.... nothing much happened. went to the gym with my army friends!
Now here comes the funny part! Hee! Well, we were all working out at the gym, i had finished my workout so was just waiting for my friend to finish. it was nearing 530pm. So i was Saying!! " QUICK!!! lets go off" i don't wanna be late for my tuition.. my friend went "cannot!!! i don't want to be like John" John is this really big guy in my camp that everyone else makes fun of. So he was chanting "John, John. John. " like a mantra.... haha. "No John, No John." Then he'll look in the mirror and scream! "OH NO!!! i'm JOHN!!!" haha this is so mean, but i guess its funny as well.... So anyway we left late and i was rushing through the traffic with my friend called Spencer. SPencer. SPencer. What a name! He's currently attached to this rj girl but haha he's nice, and hes the HwaChong guy that just tagged. haha...but i love him. He's gay u know. almost there. Actually no, but well he's a really quite a nice guy. But gay/nice... they come together. haha... i'm not thinking very much.
so anyway after that went to my tuition. ANd met little Desiree!!!haha she's so cute she was showing me all her gymnastic moves. she's really good. Tried to teach her how to handstand and cartwheel. But i can't do it myself. She's good though, a born gymnast. Anyway my kid was so NOTI. He practically refused to absorb anything i tried to put into his head. And since i'm not supposed to think, i was totally at a loss. VOID of thoughts means VOID of ideas isn't it? haha.. so i just sat there not thinking, and so did he! i wonder who was teaching who. This is totally nonsense by the way. Anyway his mum came to talk to me and she was pretty concerned because he didn't do very well for one of his assessments... i think 7/15 is not bad though. After all it seems like u have to do 10 year series to get any higher nowadays. Oh he's A PRIMARY 5 kid. i remember that. primary 5 only. not very old u know. I still hated girls then.
Hmm after tuition went to ntu to pick up shuhui, amez and julienne for dinner. Jules talked about this nude model they got to draw on. Reminded me of Mr Bean but i wasn't thinking very straight so i might have thought a bit off. They are real artists. So after that we came back to the house to have a little bit of ice-cream and where i'm typing this from... haha Shu drove my cAR!!!she's really great =) she's ms daytona queen!!! once she learns to park though, she'd be the complete driver! i just like the way she plays daytona! she's so fast. so anyway amez is in her room chatting to everyone. and shu is in the kitchen... and i can't think anymore. there's no more thoughts.... really no more thoughts. thoughts are just repeating themselves now. so i guess that ends my entry. my brain not working....! ! its like how i taught my little kid today. When u have open circuit, everything doesn't work. Light bulb no light up.
-blank-
gdnight.... are u sleeping yet?

just a little prayer.

Sorry can't be unserious during prayer...

But here's what i roughly said in my prayer today.
i feel like a lot of happenings been happening in the world around me lately.
And well just like to thank God for every thing out there. For making us who we are, because we should seriously thank him for every single success in our lives. Everyday's been passing kinda quick, and before u know it its e end of the day. Life has been really eventful for me i realise and i've come across so many different things and situations in the near past. It doesn't help that i'm trying to fulfill a promise i made. But i'm sure that person will forgive me for this short entry and time that i took off to think and reflect a little more. Even as all the events pass me by, and perhaps i am not as affected by them as i should be. I guess, i'll still think about them after this all ends. We learn and try to understand from our lives and others lives. And what greater way of learning can there be? Especially to learn of our ownselves? I praise God for the love and grace he has shown to me so continuously over the past 20 years of my life, and i know that he'll continue to guide me through the remaining years. Got a few things to pray for this week, pray for Alpha and Evangelism as it continues to grow in the church, pray for the various groups and ministries in the church, pray for Janis and her thesis, pray for everyone that has lost loved ones, pray for the people that are starving, the people that are in hardships like in myanmmar, thailand, vietnam, cambodia, africa, etc. pray for my friends around me (got so many; i shan't write it here) - for their studies, their work, for their struggle with sin, for the fights and arguments, for love, for whatever is needed. I would just like to ask that i'll understand more through everything i experience. This experience cannot be obtained, whatever comes into our lives become a part of us... Pray that i'll continue to walk the path of righteousness.. Pray that i'll continue to walk closer with you. Just as others will.
" Do not judge for what goes on in the spiritual world cannot be seen.." - Perhaps what i should learn most this week. Its a struggle. Perhaps the theme i shall adopt in my prayers this year. Last year i asked for patience, this year i shall ask for help, that i might not judge others harshly and unfairly.
Well, oops guess i thought a little too much?!!!

Disclaimer for anything written...

Disclaimer : Everything written down is unprocessed thoughts. Its like milk, just flows. I usually process it into better products; cheese, butter, etc... Thats what brains are for right. When you don't think much? This happens?

1st half of my 3rd day.

since i'm free. i decided to start on my 3rd entry! time is passing fast, and well, its been so short yet this is my 3rd entry in as many days.

so morning began, late as usual, late to pick up my friend who realised that i might have forgotton. He msged me, which i saw at 830 (after i reached camp). But i guess knowing me, i didn't forget. So, anyway i drove pretty fast up to camp and reached in record time, we all thought we would be late but ended up 15minutes early! all thanks to this nice route we took...! YA! so anyawy on reaching camp, nothing eventful happened. Up till lunch, when i ate lunch with 3 of my other friends. What was the topic?! "where to go on the next trip, and what to try out" So Guess where they thought of going? Bali? 9 Days of Bali? They just went to Bali for 6 days, and all they could talk about was how the balinese girls climbed all over them during their massage session. This is detrimental to my christian faith, especially when i'm not thinking too deep. Cos u don't think very much about what they're saying, so u kinda just absorb it. No i'm just kidding, i am not supposed to think very much,but that does not make me an idiot!! haha anyway they were taking their best shot at trying to make me say something stupid, and get me to go along with them for the trip. But too bad for them i wasn't thinking very much. But it was SO funny anyways. Haha. So they were saying how one of my friends got to choose first and chose the prettiest one which was really chatty and really interesting. (just to add she also kept whacking his butt and my friend was giving us a REAL gd demonstration of how he yelped). haha, hilarious. Whilst the last friend to choose got this not so pretty, REALLY strong girl, who was so dull, and he kept tyring to initiate conversations, but to no avail. That was terrible. So they were saying how on their next trip they will go somewhere like malaysia where the girls were of "better quality" haha. So thats how they decided on their next trip. Thailand - Bangkok. Where the girls are not too bad and its CHEAP. SO cheap is really good which reminds me i still have to think of a cheap place to eat tonight. And there is no gd cheap place in jurong besides the hawker centres so maybe we'll go there. Oh well might not be able to stay over tonight cos Aunty Julie might be staying over so hmm dat means i have to go back home!!! but thats kinda sad cos i gotta go to Singapore Discovery centre the next day anyway!! I'm now taking a minute to ponder whether i'm thinking too much,but apparently i'm not cos the thought stops here.... What a half of a day. So anyawy i'm sitting around, my mind going to waste right now. So i decided to blog and deprive this guy in my camp that logs on to every forum and friendster and wholivesnearyou.com to message every single girl around. haha. I think all the clerks are laughing at him now, cos its so obvious what he does. And oh hey my friend that wants to go to Thailand is right beside me and he's peeking and what i'm writing?! haha... It's the topic of the day!!! So now, waiting for the fire drill. Think that it'll be as nonsense as ever. Waiting also for the briefing for tomorrow. Looking forward to tonight. The second half of the day shall be continued in the next entry. U know when u don't think, u can write so much? its like every single brief thought that comes to ur head, u can just write it down. cos i don't think there are many other thoughts anyway?! There's still too many days left. I'll probably stop early. I'm growing a little dumber by the day. My friends going to try to continue to persuade me to go to Bangkok now....
This entry is only up to 2:00pm of Thursday? YA it continues.

the eventful second day...

the eventful second day, the second of many....OH ya by the way this is for Wednesday and not Thursday even though i'm blogging on thursday. tts cos i didn';t have time yesterday.
NOW! what happened? A lot of things

So i woke up in the morning, damn its late again!!!!! arrhhhhhh, i must seriously wake up when my alarm clock rings and not get up, perss down the button, then fall back onto bed and sleep again. Waiting for my mum's footsteps to walk towards my door... and wake up when she opens it so that she can see i've woken up and i can hide behind e fact that i've already woken up and i'm not going to be late anymore. Tt's confusing. I dun understand myself. Okay anyway on my way to work.... Oh my camp mate wants me to sign in for him! haha..... okay i shall have fun experimenting with his signature. Oh its Nasi Lemak for breakfast!! Quickk kopppp e luncheon meat!!! hahah my friend takes the fish... no one wants the oily battered covered chicken wings! now that shows how much my caterer in acs sucks.... Its chicken wings, who doesn't want chicken wings?!!
Yummmm.... oh well work in the morning - basically there is none..!! haha how GD! oh no!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A LOUSY DAY! i don't believe it. The gel my friend borrowed when he went clubbing and returned to me the day before burst in my baG!!!! MY WHOLE BAG IS COVERED IN STICKY GEL. i think its still sticky at the moment. So there goes my bible, my book, my file, my specs case, my dairy, my water-bottle all covered in sticky green goo!! thats sick. what a waste of perfectly good loreal gel. okay nevermind, use it. okayyyy there's the hole, squeeze it onto my hair for the day. AH!! its really sticky. CRAP!!! my hair feels like crap. Stop laughing la... people..! STUPID ARMY PEOPLE.. i'm having brainless fun!! haha oh well anyway later going to wash hair so who cares. just use e spare gel.AND DAMNN!!!!!my army mates just Suggested i have a crush on my chief clerk in CAMP! DATS EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWww....................................................
.......................!!!!!!!!! (this eww was too long, would u believe it that it kinda messed up my blog layout) oh well my little clerk friend in camp is getting married next year and she was talking about it to me, how she might let me be like part of their bridal party/shower? (is that what its called) oh well and help her with her wedding ahha and intro me to her bridesmaid who she thinks is really cute....
So anyway here came lunch, and its HOKKIEN MEE! ! haha... its nice, but its dumb cos its just hokkien mee and chicken and there's not a hint of vege. now how can i not eat vege?! its just unhealthy. i need my fair share of fruits and vege everyday!!
my fav is fruits though, i love mango, peaches, grapes, durian, watermelons, strawBERRIES Cherries!.. etc. so many i love apricots too.
SO lunch was just like that, and i was thinking how i was eating so much i better eat less during dinner when i go Ikea with amelia and shuhui... So anyway after lunch, there was tonnes of work to do! just work and work and work and work the whole day, supposed to have soocer training but it got cancelled cos we were all so busy. During break we all played a bit of pool. there's this extremely tall guy in my camp, he's 1.88m tall.. So i know girls like tall guys so maybe u can consider him. Anyway, he's terribly obsessed with pool. He just challenges everyone. Maybe he should join the After 5 Pool League. hahahaha... Gonna make a fool of himself. He's the only i've seen that fouls the ball using his belly. He leans over to shoot, and hsi belly moves anotehr ball!!! how's that for Amusement!! ARMY IS Such an amusement park. haha so anyway after work ended, i went down to my kembangan house to clean up and bathe.... The water'ss damn cold and i'm not gonna bathe there at night. But gd thing is that i cleaned up the toilets for my sister!! OH WELL this is the most boring hour of the day. I just lied on the sofa after that watching some old serial with chen hanwei, wong lilin and jacelyn tay inside. And ahha its that dumb show where they were supposed to get 100 couples hitched within a time period! But its quite funny cos its so crappy. I was waiting for Shuhui then cos i'm supposed to pick her at 1845hours. Surprise !!!! my SIS CAME BACK! HAHA... i was so shocked. i didn't expect her to. So anyway i conveniently left the house before she did so she had to lock up. Anywya i was in a rush cos i was already a little late. So go and pick Shuhui...!! she's late as usual! =)but its okay... we were still on time when we went to pick up amelia! so anyway on to ikea!! and haha i told them i wasn't hungry. They went to order 10 meatballs each, couples w/ soup, chicken wings and bread. I ordered pancakes, and fries. haha gd idea, cos i have 5 free meatballs at the end of the meal... so full.. eating too much lately its crazy. so we went shopping and bought a lot of stuff.. haha their house gonna look even nicer now. I was thinking they bought so many candles and Potpurri and all that scented Stuff!! !! u know whats that?!! ITS gonna be A GREAT AROMATHERAPY/Massage PARLOUR!!! FOR ME TO conduct my reflexology!!!!how great. i must bring my gear.. its gonna be so fun. So anyway when we went back to the house, amez wasn't that hapyp for some reason or another, Auntie Julie was around and her dad had gone back to the east. I was not supposed to think too much, so i didn't and thats it. Well, watched Shuhui and she chatted a little and printed her notes, then i went home... tomorrow gonna be a fun day..! must think of some nice place to eat at... oh well so went home searched the net for nice eateries at Jurong! but thats almost none!!! WHATS THAT!! thats not fair. how can jurong not have any nice places to eat? dun feel like going down all the way to holland v to eat. OH Cannot think too much, go and sleep, wonder if one don't think, can they still dream? oh well its another day tomorrow. DAY 3. Another BRAINLESS DAY! this is really what happens when u don't think.

END OF DAY 2... and i forgot to paragraph but i dun feel like thinking too much.
sorry ich! hi jules, hi sarah, hi amez - its not BIMBO... haha

my first day...

Today is the first day of a pact i made with someone, of how not to think too deep. I promised i would blog about it down here for the next 2 weeks and i shall try my best to keep this promise.
so as brainless as this could sound, here goes!

Morning i woke up, damn tired, wanted to go back to sleep but cannot, its too late already; have to go to work. Oh damn looked at my watch, my alarm clock is running slow, i'm 10 minutes behind time! supposed to fetch my friend, how wait late for work?
got to work at PLAB, oh no!! are they gonna do a spot check, the car queue is pretty long! nooo... oh park, hey there goes vincent with martina in his car!!! so scandalous. haha... must tell master har; they having an affair without him. oh breakfast, damn i got the lousy chicken wings!!! nooo but i got fried rice, so nice.. cannot eat too much, later got high tea buffet at hotel phoenix.
oh today got work, ahh!!! 3 cds to process..... dats a lot of work. okay start early end early. quick, taking very long!! we need better computers, its lunch time already, the food not very nice, eat an apple and wait for buffet to come. Hmm i wanna do weekend duty this week!!! but my boss not gonna let me! i need the off! i wanna crash my friend's lecture ! Hai, looks like she not gonna give in to me, maybe i will pester her everyday and she'll finally relent on friday. Hey Wee seng (my bmt mate) called, just to inform me that my phone rang?!!! haha... should meet up someday with him. Oh well buffet next, now how to get to orchard, where to park?!! Die, so ex no money.... Ah.... oh This buffet sucks!!! pistacho cake tastes super weird. Everything is out from a packet, like from cold storage like that.! what a waste of money. lets take the strawberries and the raspberry and all the other fruit decor off the desserts! yay! my ice kacang looks so nice now with the mint leaves and all! The lousiest most un-worth it buffet ever! ranks last on my list. O well its over, looks my camp friends not going anywhere. Looks like i better call sharon and see where's she at? Okay go Tangs first, near taka, go use my vouchers! what to buy what to buy!!! buy pillow? but nice cups? cannot too ex, must use my vouchers, no money already! oh okay okay just buy, hope they like it; already clsoe to an hour.! oh now must go taka!! haha.... oh well wonder where we meeting everyone later. At Gelare? eat ice cream again, everyday eat so much. terrible. Oh shuhui and amelia are here! As pretty and glam as ever. haha hey nick is here. oh but i wanna leave soon. Oh they wanna go to Topshop! wonder if my rj-ex-sc friends are still in the restaurant! hey there are, lets go in and talk to them! so funny, old sc vs new sc. Actually they still quite the different. very funny! oh Shuen is leaving on Sat! oh well haven't been in contact much with any of them but hey Candice!!! haha one of the nicest girls i ever knew. So fun, better go home. Okay Amelia talking to me, better think deep but not too deep. oh well ya i seriously think shuhui and nick quite compatible too.... hmm how about myself? oh not supposed to think too much. Quick send amelia home, tmr we going ikea can talk again. Ah now rush home!!! like a roller coaster ride, up and down the road we go!!! on music loud loud. now at home.... thinking about tomorrow! it was fun!! is it gonna be fun again tmr? Its a whole new experience trying this out. Don't think too much! this is kinda new, as in making an effort to do this? sometimes i;m like this naturally...! Oh well tomorrow is day 2?! haha a new day.

Thats all for today, what do u guys think?

when ya try to be nice.

you know how its like when you try to be nice, but people don't see it.....
like when u care, but they just seem to forsake it.
like when u say something, but they just seem to rebuke it.
like whats that? a smack across e face?
Thanks a lot.

i know what i am.
i am matthias, i am me. I have very simple wants and ideals in life. i live by my own principles, based on the bible. i am versatile. i can talk to almost anyone if i want to. i trust my judgement, i trust myself. who knows me better than me? i know when i think in the wrong manner, and when i think in the right manner. i know when i do wrong or think wrongly. I am aware. I know i'm not perfect in my own ways, and i know my own inadequacies. I live by my own dream, of what i want the world to be, and if its not, i try to change it. I am what i am. I guess, if u don't appreciate me for who i am.... Leave me alone, don't hurt me.

I don't like the pain.
I don't like seeing e blood....
I am a feeler, a intuitive, an introvert....
u know myers-briggs right. There is a portion of people in the world thats like that.
Respect me for who i am, there are no unequals here...

yawnz...

so sleepy, just woke up. today just practically slept the entire day, waiting to go out...
so anyway i think everyone has been sleeping today too.. seems like it
its a gd day to sleep and refresh from everything that has gone on.

i'm so tired of so many things....
mostly i'm tired of myself, i think i'm not a very social creature by nature.

ummm.... basically i have a lot of unresolved issues with people.
i think that poses huge problems.

its not nice though, cos seriously its like criticising people.
we should not judge!!!! but damn, its just like that....

i can't help it, i can't help myself.
when your feelings influence ur thoughts....

oh wellz.
"Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus"

I guess thats the most important part.
That i can learn from right now ....

I think i seriously need to consider what i'm doing right now, what is happening right now.
I need to take a look at every nitty gritty detail, trash out every single issue. And then things will be okay for a while, After that, well anything can happen again.

"its a new day, always a new time, and there are new ways, i'm gonna live my life..."

damn la

i'm such an idiot lah!

meeting new people. opening your eyes

i'm back early today, from camp, there are very few people in camp as they all went for holiday to bali, i kinda miss them because they are the people that usually accompany me home, but yet perhaps i can get to know the others better now.

well i got some thoughts that bothered me today. How people have changed so much. How it was that just a few years back in secondary school; everyone was pretty much a nice person, u didn't hear about your friend screwing some girl ( or her sister ) from the club, or hearing how some people play with others' feelings, u don't hear about how girls just happily make the wrong decisions, u don't hear stuff like "why i never think of raping them" Its all wrong... its just so wrong, and i don't understand how people can let it by.

When my friend in camp today told me how he actually "got it on" with his girlfriend's best friend's sister who is only a day over 16, and how he just shrugged her off when she tried to cling on. Or like how he took this girl home... what can you say to them? Shameless? U accept it as a fact of life.... U can't blame my friend totally, u have to blame the girl for being dumb as well.

So seriously, what is the world coming to these days?

Another of my other camp friend's who i think is a really good person said " i've never met so many people like that till i came into the army." I said, perhaps its not only in the army u have people like that, they're everywhere?

Anyway, i have a wish to make. That perhaps i wish i could spend more one-on-one time with people who want to. I don't see how hanging out in groups or chatting online really build friendships, i really don't. And at the end of the day, its always these friends that matter and support u. Someone asked me why don't i talk to this other person much. I guess, i just don't talk to that person much one-on-one. Where is the closeness if all you see in the person is what u see online, or yet how do u get to know people personally if u don't talk to them about personal things? I want friends, i want really good friends that i know will last... Who will choose this same path i do? I guess, one day, u might only get to hear my voice if we're the only 2 people around. its quality time isn't it?

So tell me, perhaps i'm wrong about all this.. perhaps i'm blinded by the constraints of my own narrow-mindedness. u can never see yourself accurately in the mirror. Your mind distorts the image, whats more, right is left to you and left is right to you. Perhaps the world is topsy-turvy. but thats where all the fun begins.

For my last words, our tongue is pretty much an uncontrollable tool, but we should keep working to tame it; cleanse our mouths, purify our hearts, thats part of being a child of God.

a prayer.

its funny to pray online sometimes, it just doesn't feel personal. But honestly, every prayer works as long as you mean it, and i guess maybe a prayer broadcasted to the many out there that read this blog might influence more people to go to Christ more, than one that was kept within my heart...

Dear Heavenly Father,
you the most almighty, the great one on High, u who make all wonders possible, u who give us life, u who blesses us with everything so beautiful, u who make the stars shine, u who shower us with agape love, with that unconditional and unfailing love, u who lives on forever. It is You lord, u who make things happen, u who i live for and breathe for. You whom i suffer for, you who i love, and i love others for.
Lord, i must thank you for all things past and present, for my family and for their families. For my friends and their families as well, Lord u made each and everyone of us who we are, u have blessed us with every single thing we possess, from our voice, our faces, our character and spirit. Lord, without you, what would we be? Lord, i thank you for the happiness u bring into our lives, for all the love that is showered upon us... Lord thank you for the days gone by, for the little little things that make our days what they are, for the person that says thank you, for the pretty bird in the sky, truly we know that all these come from you.
Lord i would just like to pray now, firstly for myself lord, i just pray u continue to guide me through each and every step in my life. Though i might not know it lord, i realise that you are behind me each and every step. And like "footprints in the sand", some times lord, its u that carry me and bring me through my toughest moments. Lord i just like to confess all my sins to you, whether it be the simplest lie, or the most malicious thought. Lord i just pray u purge all these from my heart, make me pure again, make me a child of yours, that i can be proud of myself and of what i have done for your kingdom lord. Lord i just continue to pray for those around me, those i love so much and cherish all the days of my life. i just pray that u shower them with all the blessings u have showered upon me. Lord i just know they are good people and good friends, and truly i just wnat them to be closer to u, so they can wallow in the magnificent splendour of ur almighty power. Lord protect them from the evil one, but instead bring them into the light and cheer their hearts, wipe their tears lord. Heal the broken hearts within them. We are all human, we struggle everyday with sin, with sadness. Lord only u can heal us. Only u can make us the best we are. And lord, while it hurts to struggle through every single day, i know that at least we are not alone and that u are here in our hearts with us. I just praise u for that Lord, and i thank you; from the bottom of my heart. Lord pray that you'll make me a blessing otto others, make me a wondrous tool for your works and your word. Help me to seek the righteous path, and help me follow the ways of your great disciples, that i might be a great testament to your word. Save me from error, and from the depths of sin, Lord because truly, i am nothing without u, my life is meaningless without u.
Lord, i just continue to pray to you.... I just want to keep on praying. For my life is wrought with unhappiness and uncertainty. Lord, i just pray that your love will fill my life. Let me establish the fruits of ur spirit in me lord, help me build upon the foundations i have in your word. Help me to understand better the signs that u show to me Lord, help me discover my gifts and use them for the glory of You.... Lord, blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see you. And i guess thats the only thing i can ask Lord, that u help me complete my heart, make me whole and pure, that i might see u in heaven one of the days of my life, when victory arrives in my heart and in ur kingdom. Lord, u are the reason i am here. You are the reason i believe. You are the reason i love and u are the reason i live for. Lord i just pray.....
i pray for unity as well, i pray for unity within the church and ur people lord. Through one common love and one common belief lord, i pray for peace and a world filled with love and happiness, rather than one plagued by troubles and struggles. You are the Lord, u make everyuthing happen. Now Lord...
Help me put on the full armour of God, that i might be protected from all evil, and stay rooted in ur word and close by to ur presence. Let me be touched by the holy light, that imight stay pure and honest. Lord, there is no one as important to u in my life. And i acknowledge that form the bottom of my heart. Jesus is your son, and through him we are all saved. I can ask no greater gift than that, rather i give myself up for ur works. Thank you Lord... Thank you...
Amen.

i like the flat

i like the flat so so so so so much...
the orange and white walls, the lightings, the couch, the beds, the bedsheets.
what a place! and the wind flows through the house pretty well too...!
its so modern, and its nice that way!

i like the flat!!!
i wish i could stay there everyday!!!
think i will someday.

oh well, on a more negative note, my uncle passed away due to a heart attack cum car crash....
though i wasn't very close to him, i understand the grief of losing a father. I once had a premonition of a car crash, whether it was him, i don't really know, but i dreamt it upon myself. A mishap was going to happen, apparently it did, perhaps God was telling me something.
I pray to God, for happiness as usual, for love, and for everlasting faith in Him. I pray he shields us from sin and the undesirable. I pray he also tell me more about his plans for me... i'm discovering new things about myself all the time. And in truth, i'm getting a little confused.

and a last point to add, today i experienced a little bit of heavenly sunshine.
u don't see much of perfect little things anymore.

a secret only i would know

why did i delete my other blog, well perhaps because i wanted to start afresh. wanted to start a new chapter of my life....
well i think i had a wonderful national day, because i tried not to think so much, had to give credit to amelia and emerald with that, because i was going crazy pondering about things but they set me straight. Its terrible when u're stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts and u can't seem to break free... perhaps thats what happened. anyway its over now, its a new chapter in my life, perhaps i've gone past that one single day where u feel so crappy.....
i've revamped this blog so i can be more open with my own secrets and thoughts, perhaps maybe i'll be much happier from now on. so for all of you, this is the first entry.

well, to cut things short, i'm still pretty much the same person. i'm still awaiting that happiness... i still think, i still look at my own life and critique it. i think i'm a little more insensitive though, its good to be somewhat insensitive, really makes you feel a lot better. anyway, today we played this super fun game called "sardines" under the void deck of my friend's house..! haha just watching people looking blur, searching for us.... it was a really great time, i never had that much fun in a long time.

besides all these, i'm actually taking reflexology lessons and it has proved to be really interesting experience. i can even deliver a half decent reflexology session! what i realised though is that when doing all this, you can learn a lot about a person, what she/he is like and all. you can discover about their well-being and even take a guess at their current health. Its truly amazing. i really enjoyed doing it today! i think i had so much practice that i'm improving in leaps and bounds. the guys are complaining though, one day i'll give them a session too. think i got regular clients now. i like my clients! they're the most appreciative and wonderful people around, plus their feet are really nice too! must go get a nice scented bottle of oil though, it really works wonders.

so anyway, finally now i'm hanging out in the west; with the best people around! i got so many places i wanna show them in e west, and we're gonna have so much fun hanging out! can't see the fireworks from over there though, but well its the people that matter more! i think soon more and more people would wanna join in...

oh well something about the old chapter i miss is that thinking can really take up your time. Thinking though it makes u sad, also makes u a much nicer and better person, i must still continue thinking to make sure i'm still as nice and thoughtful as before. but i guess i must adjoin the 2 different chapters and take the best out of it. Then i'll come an even better person and be a blessing to more people around me. Perhaps things have gotton whiter, as i always say, i must say it again, when things are black and dark, it can only get brighter, it can only get whiter.... perhaps thats what optimism and positivity is all about, finally getting out of the abyss of failure and sadness.