its 9am

its 9am here. well its 12pm in singapore. look at the time difference!
i feel so far away... so drifted.. and i get homesick... i first realised that in my sec3 camp.
well.. but home is not where my house is, not where i live, not where i study.. its where i feel i have my niche, my circle of friends and family i can rely on, people that love me and that i love.
and well... over here, i don't have that.. i have family.... and we're bonded by that, not by living together, not by staying together.
well, but its fun here and when jabba says "mum! they're not going to be here for very long!" and then refuses to budge to go home, u feel nice, warm, wanted, and happy.
sometimes i wonder why god made me the youngest, why he saved me from miscarriage, why he made me an accident. i can't run away from being the unwanted one...
"stop at 2 the govt says." stop at 2.. my dad says... well.. ya. i guess.....
i really don't know. perhaps its quest of greater being and knowing. but. i just sit here today, wondering why its so hard for me to leave e world i want to leave so much, staying here just based on faith. is faith really that strong in me?
i always say.. if u have perfect faith, u don't need to pray, u don't need to do anything, u just need to feel and think in one word. God. God. God. u'll be perfect in God's eyes if u do have perfect faith. for me, i struggle with 1. why am i here. 2. whats my purpose. 3. what is the greater purpose... i've always dreamt of heaven. and i've always wished to be an angel....
on earth, an engineer, a businessman, a doctor... but that doesn't matter to me.
where i live doesn't matter to me, what people think of how other people think don't matter to me. we are where we are bcos we are meant to be, isn't it!
okay. emotional barrier one. i'm getting a little tiny weeny bit emotional right now.
this wells up every maybe 20 seconds. and if it starts and gain momentum.. it goes on for hours, days.. and i wish i wouldn't have that internal conflict between mind and heart.

i wish i had the power to jump... to jump from one time to another. and live life in the blink of an eye... to see whatever i've gone through, going through and been through in a flash, and know what it all means right now.
its not that life has no meaning right now. there just is that greater meaning somewhere....
that greater plan.

imputation of God's Righteousness.
ur works do not count for anything, until u know Christ. because it is through christ good works were derived, it was through christ that we know sin.