thinking yourself not as good as others

this "thinking yourself not as good as others" thought flow is really not working out.
1stly! i think too many people think too highly about themselves....
2ndly.. oh well i think my confidence is really low already.... its bordering on low-self-esteem....
so how! okayy.. maybe its time to change everything, move everything around and see how i can re-establish my ego.... thats going to be hard...
because i know that thought flow is never going to go away.. cos its a very very.. christian way of thinking, and i can't not realise that.
but anyway i've been thinking tonnes.... do u realise how the tone of my entries lately have been so much more spritely, so less cynical, less melancholic, so much more lively, so much happier...
well its been my 5th week away from YAG! notice the trend!?
i've been wondering about this a lot.. and still wondering... still praying... answers for big decisions like this don't come so fast.
anyway... well i'm going to Bintan tomorrow for my teacher's retreat. it feels nice to be a teacher. really makes u feel like you're making a difference... but i think i'm going to be really happy with my uni course, though i'm still pretty lonely in that aspect.. not knowing a single person in it....
i'm also praying about attending YAG/CCC camp... because i don't know... inside me is this feeling i shouldn't go join either of the groups. and i wonder! all through my schooling life, i've seen myself more as a person dedicated to community service, rather than fellow christians....
hmm okay well.. answers will present itself soon.
anyway well... was thinking about the different people in my life...
feels a little funny... because only a few stand out for very certain things that i remember.. or certain things that they are... the rest just fall into oblivion...
well not that i've forgotton them.. but... i just don't see anything special in them yet.... not special to me.. they're definitely special to God if they're christian and special to others around them as well. its not that i don't like them! its just how i see people.. its either special or nothing.
ya.. i'm not a "everyone is my friend" kinda person, neither am i a "hi!!!" "Bye!!" person...
anyway someone asked me if i'm closer to my friends, or closer to my family.
hmm... actually it depends.. well i'm close to both, my friends are like my family already, i envison times ahead spent with them, growing old together..
e problem is who i regard as my friend.. haha all my friends are very close. thats a gd place to start.

you know.. "i wanna grow old with you" yes the nice sweet song... well.. yes just take it out of the romantic context.
and it becomes really sweet.

heh! well... i am still thinking... my thoughts are actually really diverse now.. so many things happening.
like... thought 1. world cup. thought 2. CSC camp. thought 3. YAG thought 4. Don's Wedding (my cousin) thought 5. Tim coming back! thought 6. dave and sylvia going overseas to study =( thought 7. yy and maner coming back! thought 8. Ray and Aida coming to visit (hope i didn't spell it wrong) thought 9. Tuition!!! thought 10. JSS Board.. thought 11. Grace, Joce going for mission trip thought 12. Gerald Wu's birthday thought 13. play soccer.. play soccer... thought 14. Deb... we are close! thought 15. so many more thoughts... haha.. so random.. just so random.

this occured in 1 minute! some people think i'm smart...
i like to think of it more as confused...
u should go to RJ and see what is really smart...
-matt looks around in awe-