stay away....

you know, so much have happened in the last few days
i just feel so lost once again.
i live by faith and faith alone.
as it goes now, things are going wrong.....
sigh.
u know.
i'm an idiot.
i just wish it'd all get better
really...
just that day i talked to aunty.
got reprimanded....
thats a first for me, being told what to do doesn't feel right at all, especially when its against your conscience.
really, i just feel so victimised by people and circumstances.
in my own home as well, my church.
that people even doubt me is one issue....
i know i'm young and inexperienced. and i realise i have not been as careful as i should have.
thats a big mistake in itself already...
sigh i felt my character being questioned..... how can people not trust me right.....
it really made me doubt myself, doubt my faith, doubt my calling, doubt my works.
that every good i've done and tried to do, has all gone down the drain, into the rubbish bin, how people look at only the negatives, rather than the positives....
i know the negatives should never be neglected.....
my conscience is still clear.
they are my friends as well....
can i not care and not be concerned about them?
it feels all e effort i put into them has all gone down e drain....
all because of circumstance.
i am demoralised... my heart broken.
i don't care one bit about my reputation. maybe i expect too much from them as well...
and people expect too much from me as well
they do not realise my age.... they do not understand me enough...
but they still vouch for me and i appreciate that.
but still.. i feel perhaps ministry is for all,
why leave those alone..?
really, sometimes i don't understand why... everything i do gets misunderstood...
it just identifies with me.
that one word.
misunderstanding.
and all my friends realise it too.
maybe i should learn to trust and expect less from everyone.
by faith, hope and love....
i lost a little bit of each yesterday.
on another note. i don't wanna disappoint anyone...
yet i feel they will misunderstand everything, and they will be disappointed with me
that will really hurt me.
that because of all that, people have lost trust in me, and many might lose more trust in me....
sigh....yet i wonder what did i do wrong? do good? be who i am? build others up?
sigh how can people do that to me?
i feel so untrusted by the people i have so learn to trust....
i feel like an outsider... in my own home.
i'm not meant to be at the centre of it all.

on another note, carolling was great but i was a little out of sorts.

once again.. i feel that we have so much it common,
yet things should complement... not just be in common
circle of trust.

all that was above....
are just some random thoughts....
i wrote a letter today.
really... u finish last.

life goes on.
i'm a psychotic.
just so misunderstood.......
@ least i know someone who understands.