today wasn't meant to be..

today really wasn't meant to be...
i think.

there was a surprise birthday celebration thrown for me in church, by my mum, in front of all my friends
yet my best friends were not there, and admist all the congratulations and well wishes some of them gave me, some didn't even bother to give any. or something was horribly lacking in the conversations, the lacking of that closeness....

i thank cho and jocelyn though, for all they did, the part they played, esp joce who got me a present at least.
den shuhui didn't even come...
guess the nice thing was that reynard was there, and that amelia was nice enough to keep my company during the lunch.

made me wonder on the way back.
emerald said "no one even bothers to ask how i am"
as we look back on the days of cell group where we used to be so close.
the days we went out almost every night. and cho also told me about how it was so fun.
where is it all now ?
some friendships have forged with emmy and joce, and perhaps i'm getting closer to nick, yet the rest have more or less disappeared. and i don't really care anymore.
destiny perhaps. that it didn't work out, all part of God's plans... was trying to find reasons like was it bcos it was just short term things, and only things built on more long term things really stay...?
i don't know, i really don't.
why are there so many little cliques, yet i'm not part of any of them?

while i have my old friends, and the trying to make new ones, where do all the in-betweens go?
is there no chance of it happening...?
qn again why does it happen between some people and some people but not u and others?
is "clicking" that important when it comes to friendships?

sigh i could definitely make better use of the money for close, better friends than acquaintances... than to people who just regard it as another free meal.
everything should be meaningful, shouldn't it.

yet after it all i'm thankful
yet it makes me all the more awkward cos i don't seem to fit in.
yet i haven't found a place where i've really fitted in either.
today made me realise in the midst of everything....
perhaps its kinda my destiny... e plan for me.
golly
i'm really really confused right now

where do my priorities lies?
whom do my priorities lie with?
and where should they be...?
hmm.. God knows

i feel drifted.
yet i'm happy cos i'm not to close to the shore.