*plonk*

i plunged straight into the deep waters... for a moment today.
realising all the things people said and influenced me for that one little moment, and i couldn't find myself agreeing with them more.
yet despite that one moment, that one little ray of sunshine shone through.
and perhaps.... perhaps... there's hope after all....

today is woo's birthday, and i hope he's having a good time.
i've been finding excuses for wrong things i have said/done in the past right now
and i realise there is no excuse sweet enough to forgive myself.
i've been so wrong. and yet i wonder why. that i only realise it now.
perhaps life's been moving too fast for me.. and finally its time for me to take a breather and then race after to catch up again.

next week is my birthday.
uncertainty lies ahead.
was talking to tay the last few days. and i think he appreciates me for a lot of things, and i'm thankful to him as well.... perhaps we have much more in common than i realised. sigh, sometimes though, people misread my good intentions and how i work for the good of everyone and not just myself. its not about one person suffering, or one person not suffering. the importance of it all lies in suffering together and being together. unity in strength. yet i'm hypocritical in my own right. sigh. sometimes i really don't know what to say. perhaps i stick and live by my principles and values so closely it blinds me from e truth about myself. yet perhaps not, and we continue to live in confusion and behind facades.
u know, i talk about myself like i have little flaws, yet i know i have so many.
and i'm irritated by myself. by our imperfections.

so while woo talks about not liking parties and all
perhaps i should too. i'm kinda an adaptable person, on the surface that is. deep within myself, everything contradicts. and i'm a mesmer. i create illusion. i'm never what u see.

so disjointed, this entry. so disappointed.

u know. i really don't know what to think these few days.
i want to understand every little thing, and yet i can't.
i'm running my life more than i should....

anyway my report for my NS term just kinda got sent. almost everything was exceptionally good. which is great. other comments include "good leadership skills and qualities, and good team player. and some other stuff that i didn't really see" so overall, exceptionally good. which is great. i've done well. my CO says i'm going to be a future MP. but nah i don't think so. i think politics will ruin my principles and destroy my values. i'll implode... but i really wish people would stop blowing up my head. its big enough as it is. i'm not tt perfect. kinda happy with my report.... =) looks like i'm close to getting my "excellent" grading after all.

anyway. as someone said in response to a question by another friend to what is the one major issue in your life right now. "that i would lose all my pretty clothes in the event of a fire at home".
it says a lot.
if thats what you live by, that is what defines you.
e.g that person also said how his girlfriend must adhere to his standards of dressing fashion.
(how meaningful ya?)
but anyway i shouldn't be so critical of others without being critical of myself.

i believe.
1. people should stick strongly by their principles and values
2. these values should be good values ( e.g. to always be for others, doing good)
3. let these principles and values be the focal point of their life.

how often does this happen though?
its like a mutation.
everything matters after a while, and perhaps everything said above has been said in such narrow-mindedness.

i'm a fool. really.

yawn* my good friends are all attached.
hope they all enjoyed their valentines day.

"love is not a feeling, but a decision" - from TODAY
i don't exactly agree.

love is love. its profound.