sorry woo

sorry woo.
really think i have a lot of sorries to say.
nay, i'm really insecure u know, i really don't trust anyone, i don't really want to treat anyone nicely anymore. you know when i try to do that, it always turns out wrong. perhaps the best friends i've made are friends that i haven't been nice to.
and sometimes when i treat some friends nice, i always get let down, and because of that the friendship just breaks down, and too many friendships have broken down for me. and to me, as i sat on the toilet bowl today, i realised how much friends have meant to me throughout my life..
and its not just now. the days when david and i hung together all day and we always gave each other stuff no matter where we were, no matter how much money we had, and like parties wouldn't be complete without each other. yet its kinda lost now.
perhaps it was through jc when only friends like sylvia was really there every step of the way, when everyone was missing that i lost hope in guy friends, yet its people like you, tim and goose that have really lit back that spark in my life. perhaps i've learnt too much from harry in the way i treat friends, having spent 2 entire jc yrs with him. how he treats the people he likes the most, in the most critical manner, like a parent does a child.
so i'm sorry, i realise i've been mean, yet its cos i don't want to get hurt.
so do not misunderstand me please.
i'll try to be really nice now. yeah i can be really nice, i'm sure u know that.

sometimes. not everyone can make be a best friend and i have to realise that.
we're all imperfect. we all don't get along as well as we all should, for God's greater good.
so just felt i had to say sorry.
i don't think i'm good, i'm definitely not capable. in fact thats why i show it off so much, i put in so much effort to do my best all the time, cos i feel i'm nothing without the effort. that i'm just some ordinary guy. i'm so much more fragile beneath. yet everyone misunderstands... when can anyone see it. i criticise everyone that criticises others cos i know no one deserves the criticism.

2 sides of me...
one so outspoken, so enthusiastic, so nonchalant, so extroverted and sociable, so ego and confident... and optimistic and capable, mathematically sound mind, with a keen mind withextravagant critical thoughts. the loud, the one that always speaks his mind and argues for rights. the leader. the fore-front. the one that has no meaning for me.... a side that everyone just needs to see.

yet the other side that stays quiet all the time.. that ponders, thinks, struggles, introverted personality that wants to be left alone, insecure, pessimistic, insecure, low-confience, artsy, creative person that keeps everything within, that mis-trusts everyone, that waits and waits... just for life to end. the physical life. the one that is gentle and meek, and never angers. that prefers to watch everything around him move and change....
thats' really me... can u see it..? when u fully understand me, perhaps.. =)