bottled up..

as an introvert.. i tend to bottle up my feelings, my thoughts, my sadness, my anger...
i leave it there, all capped up. away from e world.
many feel i'm extroverted.. perhaps cos of my outlook on life....
yet deep inside me, i'm struggling to break free...

so disappointed with everyone,
somehow u wish everyone was perfect....
that no one would walk out.
that they all take the session with such interest and at least some form of respect
somehow u wish how people would not just go where they're happy to be...
God never always calls us to a happy place.
he calls us to where we are needed by Him. where we can be tools of his ministries and work for his glory....
yet it becomes so hard
and i realised its so much easier to let go of all of it.
to step out of the cycles... to step out of the suffering and the pain that comes each and every day.
why do u expect so much from everybody?!
don't u realise they're imperfect?
why can't i accept that?
yet i do not have perfect knowledge of what a perfect man is to be like...
Socrates said " the only thing i know is that i don't know anything"
why ?? why is always the question that plagues me

why did dear sharon suddenly give me a nice beanie monkey for nothing..?
such a pleasant surprise ... and such a right time for me...
that perhaps brought a smile, brought some sparkle back into me
to see that she treasues me in such a subtle way.....
what can i say?

but yet its all back to bottled feelings and how i live alone,
misunderstood, misinterpreted....
and perhaps i wished i could break free of all expectations, of all obedeince, and be imperfect....
yet, tt spark has not died... it just grows so dim

going to my jc class party...
what meaning is there for me there? can't life be full of meaning for everyone
i want to have fun too... but how can i have fun when i know its all short-lived.
and life is so much fuller of misery.
why do i go every year, to a party, to meet accquaintaces.. to people that cheish not me, but each other, don't i feel left out of the loop enough?
is it in the hope that perhaps..."somewhere out there..." lies a hidden treasure waiting for me?
or am i just living in delusion?
that i share all this with my classmate, but i don't come out of it feeling any better?
yet Chris has been such a wonderful person, an encouragement to me....
a good friend, a nice person....
someone a little closer to perfection.

as an introvert.
i'll be the hardest person to understand in the world, just like all the other introverts out there...
all of us, that are filled with hope, yet conceal it all within, filled with passion, yet afraid to show it. but where does that put us in the world?

and why isit... i feel the same way in church....
besides the odd few that really care... is my church not meant for me?
am i meant to leave the youth ministry? am i meant to grow up?
am i meant to enter into the depths of adulthood before everyone else?
that i feel more of a sense of belonging with my kids parents than my contemporaries...?
i don't understand... is my destiny meant to be something so different? my calling so special?
don't leave it to fate. leave it to God. yet we all know fate comes from God. the plan he has for us, yet we must be careful with what we say....

remember. if u think u are perfect, where are u in comparison to JEsus..
if u think u are good, where are u in comparison to JEsus....
can you say u will always do what JEsus did? no we're imperfect. and now i am struggling with my own imperfections.
yet we all know Jesus struggled as well...

my niche in God's Sovereign plan.. is different from all others.
while we see the imperfection in his creation
we live in his perfect plan for us.
as long as you believe....

you will be rewarded in heaven...
our life is short, eternity begins when it ends....
a reason to be optimistic...
and perhaps a reason for an introvert to feel happy.