from the inside out.

i slept well last night... really well....
yet my mind didn't rest at all... have you ever had a night where... u couldn't wake up...
u're in a dream... just that you know your mind is working, and when you wake up... u've had this feeling where you know u can remember things.... because its all still there in your head?

this is going to be a very honest post...
i've decided.. i'm really a huge victim of my own insecurities....... and i can't really think of any way to cure it... That sometimes i wonder if i'd lost it all... who would be there for me? think my best friends were there at my lowest.. and they really brought me through all my insecurities... yet now as i grow.. as i become more secure, they've let me grow on my own.. face the harsh realities alone. and i'm struggling without them. They are pillars that'll never waiver... pillars that have always been there and will always be there... and i really do want this security all the time... they, like God, have just given something to me that'll last my entire life. i might always dream about the long term but i don't think i can ever reach it.. that somehow along the way... i might trip... and i might just stay fallen.
People don't understand me because they just see me now... they see the "smart" matthias, they see the "confident" matthias... yet i wasn't like that, and even now i'm not like that.. i'm so aware of my inadequacies, so aware of my flaws... i feel so under pressure..that truly who they see is perhaps just half of me.... so few can tell me what i'm truly inside; even the people i'm with day in day out... that they just see what i am on the outside.
and yet when i was what i was before... who stuck with me? and i can count the numbers with less than a handful of fingers... and i don't even want people to like me for who i am now... i really don't... i want people who'll like me when i am nothing at all.

Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

and perhaps i've been listening to this song too much.. yet i think it struck a chord deep within me....
can u love me from my inside out, can it last forever, neverending?
and that why i love God so much... i see everything from the inside out...
everything...

-can i cry.... with no shame.... -