Dearest Amelia.

Dearest Amelia,
you've caused me an entire sleepless night. its 2.49am now and i'm sure by the time i've finished this entry it'd be 3++am... and still i won't be able to sleep. After all my entries about friendships and all, i guess it had to happen to me, where friendships are broken and perhaps lost. I don't blame you one bit, perhaps i blame myself. its kinda funny that i really miss you and being your friend so much right now. But i guess you decided to move on before i did.
I guess it all started from that one wrong message you sent me the other time. And i guess i was in the wrong nonetheless, and i hope i really reconciled that. i know you got annoyed at me then, and well, i hope that maybe those presents would have cooled things down. It kinda did i guess... We never continued friday night dinners since then and even when we met in church, we wouldn't really say hi to each other. I know perhaps i'm a guy and i should say hi first. But i didn't cos i felt you were just being just as aloof and well... why make the first move when u're not willing to? but thats wrong thinking of my part, and i hope when i called u to chat, and explain things, things would work out. I guessed it did...
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I did want to work it out earlier. IT burdened me so much. Everyday, it would be the lowest point in my day.... just the thoughts... just the thoughts. I think too much i know, i do have my flaws i know.... but God still loves me, my friends still love me. Even when others find fault with me.... I tell Shu about it, and she tells u how i tried to prove a point about u not caring much. When deep down all i wanted was for you to care, and imagine when i realise u didn't care much at all...I wanna be cherished, like any other person on this globe. The children in Africa wanna be cherished, the PRCs wanna be cherished, even more so by their friends and family. I've told you so much.... about my past experiences, about everything that happens to me. but yet i guess it was unreciprocated. I talked to u with the aim of sharing my life with you, that perhaps u'll understand me better, that things will build, with God, a strong foundation. Yet this foundation has chosen to crumble... at this point in time. I can't keep building castles in the air. Elsewhere, there are friends building the foundations with me, constructing the building with me.... I;m never going to let a friendship grow stagnant. IT just doesn't happen that way. You grow with God, u grow with ur friends as well...
Ask yourself this question, do you accept all my flaws, or do you get annoyed by it, from e bottom of your heart. how much do i matter to you, where do i stand? Make me feel that way. sigh... i just wanna sigh right now. Can't you understand what u made me feel is that i've to say hi, i have to keep persistently asking you out till you have this 1/2hour slot right for me when i'm at work and i've to take leave so i can meet u for 1/2 hour. Can u understand thats what i feel.. Can u understand i never had the chance to ask u out one week in advance cos u're so busy, and i am so free and for me its like picking a lottery ticket to find ur free day. where the hope of winning just puts u down already? can u understand now why i choose to take a choice out of 7 rather than a choice out of 365 days? Remember the times we set our friday dinners...... it just disintegrated like that. Sigh. i don't know what to say. I just know that i'll be sad, i know that everyone is on your side at this moment. and i AM all alone out here.... Perhaps u dun understand that. In church. i got hardly anyone that really bothers about me besides emerald, and i guess u, but like that has all changed right now. And really, whats the point of me going to YAG, whats the point of me going to class when........
people all are more concerned about janis leaving the class.......people more concerned about meeting others. people more concerned about other people. Where does that leave me?
Who's concerned about me? Are u concerned about me like i am about u?
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i thought u did, but... i'm not so sure now. i'm full of uncertainty right now. Do you know why now i always want to move on? Do you know now why i refuse to be so nice all the time? I wanna be nice, really i do. Do you think i really went to say hi to u all just to know a little more pretty girls? do u think i beg u all to come for events last time so that you can keep me company? And when u all finally came, where did u leave me? behind? I've mentioned it to u so many times, and i really don't know if u remember things i tell u. i've always told u how u all Never wanted to get to know the YAG people and that they were all dao, and i always persuaded all of u to get to know them, but yet u left be behind once it happened. u've got new clothes to wear and u dumped ur old ones. You know now why i wanna help shuhui out with her stats? cos she hasn't forgotton..about me at least.
I've never said a single bad things about u to anyone and i can promise u that. you can ask around and i always think u've been e nicest girl in e class, e ones that would make e best friend, the one that doesn't forget, the one ... thats the most spirituarlly mature, e one that encourages me the most. i've told u, u're the most beautiful girl in e class on e inside... and thats what matters so much to me. to God, to others. I do sincerely still want to save this friendship. but with this major stumbling block in e way, and perhaps maybe u might say my expectations are that high, my friends have been able to meet that expectations, and i know u can too.... even if u don't i'll still have that same heart for u. now.. how about u..?
hope u really realise that its not about me wanting to ask u to cancel ur things to go out with me. its not about u forsaking ur work and ur other friends to pacify me... its just e heart for me...? is it there? do u care enough when i'm feeling down. well, u never even really say hi to me... u can compare me to others, u can compare me to nick, u can say so many different things about me. but.... i'm not just looking for company for that simple dinner, i'm looking to build on things with u as a friend. and i really hope u understand that, friendships have to grow. relationships have to grow....
Have i told you about my friends.. from RI?how i've lost most of them just because of a single friend. When you realise that perhaps really no one is on ur side. no one there to support u, no one there at all.... i'm never one for the masses, i do not manage to keep all my friends here by my side, i do not manage to turn acquaintances into friends very often. my friendship with all my friends was changed because of what one influential, charismatic guy said to them of me. and i'm so disappointed with them that really, our friendship didn't count for nothing, didn't count at how they looked at things, didn't count at like when he tried to injure me again, and they all were on his side? and perhaps when u and whoever else gets annoyed at me... i always ask, does our friendship count for anything? Why do u think i gave u those things e other time, because friendship counted for so much... and i wasn't prepared to lose it, but what did u return to me? black faces, not one hi..... did friendship count for anything? rather think abt what u did for me... did u help in anyway in trying to salvage and save that friendship we had? we had... we had.... i get sad everytime i say it, do u realise how sad i am at being at this stage in things now, and having that thing gone by.. do u understand?
I always am very harsh on myself, i bring it upon myself that things don't work out, that its my fault like i did something stupid. but my other friends do cherish me... they do believe in me..... and are my expectations in a friend that high? that u don't fit in? what do i want out of it...? are u not willing to give me it? i alwahys thought it was my fault... but why is it i have friends that think i'm perfect to them, that think so much of me? why is it that my friend thanks me for just sending him lifts home everyday...and thanks me so much like i'm "indispensible" don't i do the same sometimes for others? i don't even think i'm doing much by sending him home because he's on my way.......SIGH...
do u cherish me? do u...? i do cherish u, u're someone that means so much.... my light in darkness, my friend, my confidante, my listener, my advisor, my calmer of storms.... and much more, and thats how much i cherish u..... but where am i? who am i..? to you...
i guess i'm so sad... and well i've always asked God, should i move on, should i move on? everyday i see u its like that? God should i just ask if they need a lift so maybe..... should i just try to say hi, should i just try to show u deborah's present? or should i move on, and yet always i always glance back at the opportunity.... u tell me, should i move on? should i leave it and just walk away and never glance back? cos i wanna glance back, but each time i glance back, its to get a poke in e eye, or not see nothing at all.... right now, i do wanna move on... but yet, there always is that one last glance back for u.
-matt...
its 3:56am now... and maybe, sleeping is such a good idea after all.
-lonely, i'm so lonely...-
*somewhere out there......life's really waiting for me to get there, and perhaps its time i dropped all my luggage, and just go running into the distance.. searching, looking for my paradise"

"this message has been censored so as not to let me destroy too many relationships with others. some things have been removed after some people have read it"