i really really feel kinda like an idiot now.
i don't and shouldn't trust my feelings....
it just messes up things, makes me struggle with unnecessary riddles....
that one after another, questions just takes hold of those thought nerves, jumble them up, and reestablish themselves in an entire mess.
its the reason i wake up 1 minute before everyone else does...
that my mind whirrs into life, as my soul calls for it.
i'm someone so in tune with my spirit, and...... i really can hear Him speaking to me....
yet you're forever confused by those other voices, from people around you, from the "other" one, or just from yourself.... and its not that you feel lost... its not that you feel confused... u just feel stumped by those riddles... that you just want to solve.
"The words I have spoken to you are spirit, and they are life" (John 6:63)

I wore the shirt "Don't tell God how Big your problems are, rather tell your problems how Big God is"

I guess i'm truly just very disappointed with myself.. that once again i've let myself go on a roller coaster ride... one that i'm not enjoying however. That while it climbed slowly up the slope, i've been helping to push it along, to scale greater heights, praying to God that he'll lift us up with those hands of his..... yet... as it goes plunging down.... i just don't know how to stop it... and everything blurs itself.... and u lose track of whats going on... why u do it... just waiting for things to pan itself out. ur friends climb in with you.... some don't because they're scared of the ride... some don't cos they're too busy to go to the park with you, some don't because they rather take the other ride.... You say your prayers and those friends comfort you... "We're all in this ride together..." and you think so too... Somehow.... the ride stops, and you know its because of all these friends you have around you... you've realised you've reached the end.... and you know... thats its because we've held each other's hands.... that we've not lost, we've not fallen out.. and that God has kept us safe.
"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewd day by day.... while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." (2 Cor 4:16-18)

It just takes that split second to wonder whats going on.... just before u plunge... or after you've taken the plunge... u really wonder what if things might all go wrong.. that perhaps God wants you to fall through the broken tracks, crash, survive and live another day.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Tim 4:7)

Sometimes, we ride the roller coaster ride alone... without the people we want to ride it with...
and we realise that we don't have that hand beside us......
"what keeps us alive then?"
Faith.... And we must rely even more on it.... Faith that we know.... what we saw before is an unbroken track...
But yet i look forward to the day i'll finally have that hand holding mine, telling me i'm not alone...

Now..... when will people see my roller coaster ride....? experience it and know what its about.... knowing and seeing how each twist and turn, ascent and decsent is shaped just like i am.... and different from their own?
"Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4)
I'd take an extra track that plunges, just to give you one that ascends one step closer to heaven? That you'll come to realise and experience what the sunshiney warmth feels like, and grow to love it... and be a part of it.
"that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that i may rejoice in the day of Christ, that i have not run in vain or labored in vain" (Philippians 2:15-16)
That even though everyday, i'll find myself closer to the ground, i know i'm just going to hurt myself even more... and that i'll struggle with the sight of the impending ground right in front of my face each time i take this ride... Don't fall back to earth.... always reach for the sky.
"For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens" (2 Cor 5:1)

My purpose here..... is the exact opposite of that of my father's. His was to store riches in every form.... mine is to give those riches to others. In whatever many different ways we are.... that is how successful we are..... in living our lives. And we must hold on to that. I must say... For me...
it hurts just giving a piece of me each time... and struggling, knowing that there'll be nothing in return. that even if i fall straight to the ground. i know that i'll be happy..
but this is my dream....and one that i'll live it out.
Its a one way ride to heaven for me, even if it ends at the depths of the earth.
"For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ" (Philippians 3:20).. stand fast
It is a lonely path and one that full of toils and troubles, yet... Will you be here with me?

My one way ticket to heaven...Do you have yours? (John 14:6)
"I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the father, except through me."

I am the wind, the sun, the rain
I am the splash on windowpane
I am the stars, the moon, the sky
I am the eagle flying high.
I am the rose, the hue, the spring
I am the tiny birds that sing

"There was a race of people who lived their entire lives in a cave. Their only contact with the outside world would be shadows on the wall. They had only a monochrome, two-dimensional understanding of reality. Now suppose that one of the cave-dwellers was brave enough to venture out of the cave to discover the world of color, texture, smell, depth and density. How could the explorer explain these concepts to a people who had no experience with them? It would be impossible to describe the aroma of coffee, the concept of iridescence, or the warmth of sunshine. The sun would sound like bizarre fiction. An ocean tidepool would be weird beyond belief." -Plato
"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Heaven is in the realm of the spirit.
We have our victory... in us.
"The Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Grave be with you. Amen" (2 Tim 4:22)