thanks to pris and to lihao! =) sigh i miss both of you.
really a lot.... i'm starting to struggle....
yet i know u're all around....

you know,
when i first thought of dying, it was because i didn't want to live this life anymore, its too hard to study and do well, too hard to juggle all my emotions, too hard to struggle alone.
After i knew Christ, when i thought of dying, i saw it as freedom, and i wanted to do it to free myself.
But today, as i think about dying, its because i feel helpless, that i wish i could do more but i can't, and i feel lost and trapped with my energy and desire to help, imploding within me.
i am not drained, yet its all trapped inside, unharnessed, unused, and i feel just as worthless.

Why doesn't death claim us...?
That the physical death that God gives is the only thing that can ultimately free us from our misery.... We are not meant to enjoy this world.
If u asked me, i wouldn't mind dying today, now, or even tomorrow.... i can't wait.


But He said i shall not take any man's life, including my own, and i shan't. and i must wait patiently for his calling. and i'm waiting for my dear, each and everyday. and perhaps then shall he call me.

School has been busy and everyone's bogged down with work. I feel like quitting each and every single day too. I definitely feel i could study harder, i could really throw my entire life into my studies and really just do well. but i won't be happy..... i really don't really know if anyone feels happy studying, but maybe there are. I know you might feel i don't understand things and i make it sound easier than it seems.
and i might say,i understand, because only through failure was i able to encounter the joy in another type of success, and i found another lease of life. my grades may tumble, but i'm more fulfilled each and every single day. Words are so easy to say, it always has been.I do this though, without purpose of convincing you, but to convince myself, because i'm with you, and i feel and understand u. i struggle with you.

i'm not an 'A' student, not an 'A-' student, not even a 'B+' student.
well, i guess i'm really quite lousy, i do get the lowest marks in class sometimes.
i guess i've severly dampened everyone's expectations of me.
i guess i've let everyone down.
especially my father.
but those so close to me, support me, including my father.
to just be close to God.

I don't know what to do now.
I'm lost, just as directionless.
jumping off one of those hdb flats isn't hard.
so why not? you, God?
or is it just me.

"A man might live a meaningless existence till his death, so why not death come sooner?"
"With God, death never comes. Rather, we live in such meaningful existence, because of the life he has given us."

I do not die now because i live with meaning, and only when meaning ends, shall i finally pass away.